Steve, thanks so, so much for your comment. I’m sorry about your experience with Ina May; that’s just awful.

In 1973 I was a very young father to be who wanted more than anything in the world , to be present at the birth of our child, something that was not allowed in hospitals at that time. Of course I didn’t have a clue what homebirth entailed. Fortunately we met someone from the farm and went to see about it. (I believe we were the first non members to give birth there).

We had a very good idea when my mate was due but the Farm Midwives thought it would be a month later because she was small. So we arranged to return around the time they predicted and when she went into labor exactly when we had thought, we had to drive the 200 miles or so in our old pickup while in labor.

We landed there and were given a place, which was fine if a bit rushed.

What we hadn’t learned was that the farm wasn’t into yoga.

So, when I, not knowing what I should do and feeling rather nervous, decided to go into a nearby area and do “the Bow” position in order to relax, this was interpreted as somehow trying to steal attention or some shit and I was told by Ina May to leave- The main reason we had come to the farm in the first place being so I could be there.

I was 17 and all I needed was someone with some sense and compassion to tell me , look, hold her hand, etc. Instead I was summarily evicted. This had terrible effects on our relationship.

Later, after moving to NH we ended up joining the Farm for a few years though as a non original member and younger than most I was never really accepted. We did have 2 more children there before leaving to be on our own.

I consider The Farm a “Cult Lite”,a sort of a vaccination against such things. There was alot i agreed with but I learned that when you take away money it doesn’t solve all problems, it creates a who-knows-who hiearchy also apparently common in non- profits.

20+ years later I received a kind of healing when my first daughter gave birth (in a hospital) and I was effectively the Dula for her when her hubby ran off in fear. I later attended her second birth.

I am now a great grandfather of 2

I have mixed feelings about The farm.The Midwives were mostly fine but Ina May was a jerk to me. And Stephen G was one of the few people on the farm who was nice to me. I have a hard time thinking they were truly “Racist” (I hate that term because, really, there is no such thing as “race”).

Stephen had his defects but he sincerely tried to do something to help the world. I saw him while passing through on my way to Burningman in 2002 and gave him a big hug. Don’t blame all cultism on the leader- the followers are a big part of that mix.
So Bless him and RIP. BUT Ina May was a CREEP to me and hurt my life.

Ugh, Tanita, I’m sorry about your mom’s treatment.

Yeah, our perspective is that no one is required to forgive. If you do a bad thing, and you want to be a decent human being, you are obligated to apologize — and apologize well. But doing so doesn’t mean you’re entitled to absolution.

The medical establishment has a LOT to apologize for.

I know. Sometimes I also hate everyone (present company excepted).

However, I think SorryWatch is not about forgiveness but about meriting forgiveness. Which sometimes gets one forgiveness and sometimes doesn’t.

This whole wtfckry of people blaming health outcomes on not being chill enough to be at peace with the world and privileged enough to have a garden and the type of life which allows you to do that — it goes beyond childbirth. Read up on what doctors say to people of color who have high blood pressure, who contract diabetes (If you just ate better, maybe grew your own food…), who are overweight… My own mother had blood clots in her lungs and was given the condescending advice to exercise and lose weight. Later, in tears, she fired her doctor, after her ER visit – after wheezing for weeks – showed that she wasn’t just breathing heavily because she’d put on extra poundage. It’s a big slap in the face when someone doesn’t care enough about you to see you as an individual, and goes for the faux diagnosis: Hmm, woman of color, look at those hips, should exercise, then she’ll be as fit as her white sisters and all better. Medical stuff is already fraught enough, with the terror of our bodies betraying us and us feeling out of control — without being blamed for what we cannot control due to privilege we do not have.

Sometimes, I just hate EVERYONE. Which isn’t the forgiving attitude we’re about here at Sorrywatch, I know, but GAH. Today, I just can’t.