The bicep-enabled young man with the microphone is Charlie, son of Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Brad Hall, a walk-on player at Northwestern. He is amusing. But let us take this opportunity to note that his teammate Nathan Taphorn’s unsolicited apology for failing to pass him the ball (Hall did grab the rebound, so no harm done) is good. Taphorn is right: Apologies don’t “make it OK” when you’ve done a bad thing, but they are “the right thing to do.”

Hahahahaha, let’s all pose in coolie hats and do ching-chong eye-stretchy karate-y things! Let’s encourage this small child to participate merrily and racistly in our racist merriment!

Eater explains that as part of an event in which chefs from around the world swap recipes, Chef Gianluca Gorini of daGorini restaurant in Bagno di Romagna, Italy, tackled the recipes of Victor Liong of Lee Ho Fook restaurant in Melbourne, Australia. And posted this photo. Which is now deleted. But several people got screenshots.

Yikes. Who does Gianluca Gorini think he is, Jesse Watters?

When people on the Internet expressed dismay, Gorini took down the photo and put up an apology. It was…not good.

This is not a good lede: “JEEZ, who could ever guess that a photo could cause so much hullaballoo!” Gianluca, you should have been able to guess. And using a head-clutching GARSH photo, like a confused Dad confronted with a Diaper Genie in a commercial, is way minimizing of the offense committed.

Gianluca goes on to fail to say what he’s apologizing for. (And remember, the photo is gone. Unless you know the backstory, you have no clue what this apology is for.) Those gestures he and his staff and the little boy are making were “dictated by the excitement and enthusiasm that the confrontation with a new culture has generated in our daily work”! See? They we were simply filled with zesty high spirits when faced with upscale Chinese-Australian recipes! But now Giancarlo realizes he doesn’t “know the subject of the question well enough” — no one has ever taught him that it’s bad to mock Asian people —  so he has “underestimated its meaning.” The meaning of racism? The meaning of coolie hats? The meaning of making wacky-pretend “Asian eyes” with your fingers?

Gianluca gives the tired, inadequate “to all those I have offended” apology (nope, apologize to EVERYONE, unreservedly); tells us about his intentions (not relevant; actions are what matter); and asks Victor Liong, the chef at Lee Ho Fook, to forgive him (do not ask for forgiveness; earn it).

In addition to the, y’know, racism of presenting Lee Ho Fook as a caricature of Chinese-ness, Gianluca and his team have demeaned Victor Liong as a chef, as a creator. The restaurant specializes in new-wave food reflecting a wide variety of cultural influences. Its name is from the opening lyrics of Warren Zevon’s perfect “Werewolves of London” (I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand/Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain/He was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fook’s/Gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein”). Zevon’s werewolves are sophisticates, sporting exquisitely tailored clothes and perfect hair, hobnobbing with the Queen and having cocktails at Trader Vic’s. And in that spirit, Lee Ho Fook is clearly playful and sophisticated; a recent Instagram post featured a shot of Chow Yun Fat in John Woo’s breakout action movie A Better Tomorrow, lighting a cigarette with a hundred-dollar bill, to showcase a special dinner made by young breakout-talented Chinese-Aussie chefs. It’s a generous gesture, to use your successful restaurant to spotlight new talent.

In an interview, Liong said, “You spend all of your youth rejecting – well, I did anyway – Chinese culture and not trying to be too Chinese and not seeing any value in it. I went through a bit of a self-discovery process and part of that [has been] opening Lee Ho Fook and cooking Chinese. If anything [it’s] something that I’m quite passionate now – going on a journey to rediscover that culture.” Reducing that journey to a racist caricature, as Gianluca and his staff did, is pretty sickening. We hope Giancarlo has reached out personally to Liong, not just waved at him on social media.

SorryWatch must remain hopeful that Gianluca can learn and grow from this experience. (If we didn’t think people could do better, we wouldn’t do this site.) Years ago, the Italian company Barilla turned its homophobic debacle into an opportunity to become much, much better. Maybe Gianluca can do the same.

SorryWatch is still in recovery from Lance Armstrong‘s and Ray Rice‘s godawful apologies. However, at the urging of a longtime baseball fan and blogger who was not authorized to speak on the record, SorryWatch agreed to wade into the Houston Astros mess. A mess of the team’s own making. A mess that doubled and tripled like a wad of fermenting dough, thanks to executives’ decision to lie and obfuscate about it. When their lies were called out, they opted not to apologize; instead, they chose to up the awfulness with a sprinkling of shitty apologies like poppy seeds except mouse turds and the bakery should be shut down by the Department of Health. Snarly does not know why she is suddenly mired in a bread metaphor. Maybe because The Great British Bake Show is a balm in these troubled times.

The story, as told by badass Sports Illustrated reporter Stephanie Apstein: After winning the pennant, the Astros were partying in their locker room when Assistant General Manager Brandon Taubman spotted three female reporters, one of whom was wearing a purple bracelet for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Taubman began to scream at them, “Thank God we got Osuna! I’m so fucking glad we got Osuna!”

An odd cheer, given that pitcher Roberto Osuna “had been, by Baseball Reference’s calculations and any intelligent observer’s assessment,” as Apstein pointed out, “the least valuable Astro that night.” Osuna had just allowed a two-run homer at the top of the ninth inning that tied the game. By these metrics, Snarly could have been the most valuable Astro that night, and she is a middle-aged woman in New York City.

The backstory, which (again) Apstein provides (again, read her story here): The Astros had acquired Osuna from the Blue Jays toward the end of the pitcher’s 75-game suspension. He’d been charged with assaulting the mother of his three-year-old. She refused to return to Canada from Mexico to testify against him, so prosecutors ultimately dropped the charges, and Osuna merely had to agree to counseling and to stay away from the woman in question. For the Astros, the price for Osuna was right, since few teams wanted the PR hit of hiring this dude. Many Astros’ fans, as well as anti-domestic-violence advocates, were dismayed.

But why did Taubman start howling about Osuna to three female reporters, anyway? “None of those women were talking to him,” Apstein said. “They weren’t even talking about Osuna. Taubman brought him up.”

When Apstein asked the Astros’ PR office if she could interview Taubman about what, precisely, he meant with his banshee-like shrieking, they refused to make him available. They also told Apstein not to write about what happened. She did anyway. The Astros then issued a statement:

On New Year’s Eve, Dan Harmon, creator of the show Community (“Troy and Abed in the mooooorning!”) tweeted this.

Two days later, at 2:11 am, Megan Ganz, a writer on Community, tweeted this:

Hmm. That afternoon, Harmon tweeted a response to her. Six years late is better than never!

It starts here. Harmon said, in part, “I didn’t want to add narcissism to injury by naming you without permission, but I’ve talked on my podcast about the lines I crossed. I will talk about it more in any way that you think is just. I am deeply sorry. i’m filled with regret and a lot of foggy memories about abusing my position, treating you like garbage. I would feel a lot of relief if you told me there was a way to fix it. I’ll let you call the shots. Til then, at least know I know I was an awful boss and a selfish baby.”

Ganz replied : “I wish my memories were foggier. I wish there was a way to fix it. It took me years to believe in my talents again, to trust a boss when he complimented me and not cringe when he asked for my number. I was afraid to be enthusiastic, knowing it might be turned against me later. You want relief? So do I. I want to watch the first episode of television I wrote again without remembering what came after. Figure out how to give me that relief and I’ll return the favor.”

Here’s a weird one for you: Last week, I called out my former boss @danharmon for sexual harassment, and today I’m going to ask you to listen to his podcast. https://t.co/BEZAWH787V

— Megan Ganz (@meganganz) January 11, 2018

Ganz’s response:

We are in the business of analyzing apologies. But we are not the recipient of this apology. Ganz is. She appreciates and accepts it. That is far more important than anything we might have to say about it. We wish her healing, and lots of awesome funny non-horrible workplaces in the future. (And we note that her Twitter is a delightful follow, and Snarly’s daughters love It’s Always Sunny, which she now co-exec-produces, and of course collectively SorryWatch is gonna love anyone who casually uses the word “allocution.”)

But.

Harmon’s seven minute mea culpa is NOT a master class in how to apologize. I transcribed the whole farshtunkiner thing to write this post, but I’m afeared that this post is heading into War and Peace territory, so we’ll try to be quick.

It’s not godawful, but it’s not great. After some hemming and hawing, he says he was “attracted to a writer that I had power over because I was a showrunner.” This is good phrasing, showing that he understands the power differential. But then he goes on to blame his feelings, not his behavior. He says he knew his feelings were “bad news,” that he “wasn’t doing anybody any favors by feeling these things.” Dude, we feel what we feel; we can’t help feelings. What we can help are ACTIONS. They’re what matter. He continues, “It’s not as if this person didn’t repeatedly communicate to me the idea that what I was doing was divesting her of a recourse to integrity.” I am not sure what those words mean? Like, at all?

Then he says he broke up with his live-in girlfriend because “I thought that would make having inappropriate feelings for a coworker appropriate.” AGAIN. IT IS NOT ABOUT THE FEELINGS. He does refer eventually to going “full-steam into creeping on my employee” (ok, better! “creeping on” presumably means words and actions, not just “feelings”!) and telling the employee he loved her. She rejected him. “I was humiliated…and now I wanted to teach her a lesson.” VERY GOOD. This is taking responsibility. But then, dammit, he says, “I’m gonna assume that when she tweets about it and refers to ‘trauma’ that’s probably it, because I drank, I took pills, I crushed on her and resented her for not reciprocating it.” Altered states do not excuse behavior. Mel Gibson tried that one. Nope. But here is a key phrase that’s unapologetically (get it?) terrific: “The entire time, I was the one writing her paychecks and in control of whether she stayed or went, and whether she felt good about herself or not, and I said horrible things, just treated her cruelly, pointedly. Things I would never, ever have done if she had been male.” GOOD JOB. THIS IS THE CORE OF THE APOLOGY AND WE DO NOT NEED SEVEN MINUTES OF WANKING, [sic] JUST THIS. But then he’s back to talk about feelings, and lying to himself about them, and “I lost my job; I ruined my show; I betrayed the audience; I destroyed everything.” Again with the “I.” THINK ABOUT THE PERSON YOU WRONGED, NOT YOURSELF. There’s another good phrase: “I never would have been able to do it if I had any respect for women. On a fundamental level, I was thinking about them as different creatures; I was thinking about the ones that I liked as having some special role in my life.” This is self-aware, but also an indication of his entitlement, which still shines through the apology. (I, I, I.) (Note the way Ganz, on Twitter, had said that she was working on forgiveness “for my benefit more than yours.” He tends to, uh, make things about him.) Harmon ends with a long, impassioned plea to other dudes not to do what he did (“you can cause a lot of damage that is technically legal and hurts everybody”) that again takes us away from the one-to-one apology that should be what he’s focusing on.

Harmon concludes: “I think we’re living in a good time right now, because we’re not gonna get away with it anymore. And if we can make it a normal part of our culture, that we think about it and possibly talk about it, then maybe we can get to a better place where that stuff doesn’t happen.” Amen to that. He also essentially asks his asshole fans not to dox or otherwise hurt his former employee, which is a sad necessity and a good thing to say. He concludes with the SorryWatch Bad-Apology-Bingo-winning “let’s move on,” as well as “I’m gonna now have a drink,” which we do not begrudge.

Because Ganz forgives, and that’s more important than our parsing.

 

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It is possible for celebrities to apologize well! IT IS! Here are some examples ranging from good to great.

Behold a superb apology from Questlove of The Roots after he made fun of Japanese accents.

Writer Chuck Klosterman offered a lovely, thoughtful apology for using the word “retard,” and put his money where his keyboard was.

Here is a fine one from the wayback machine: Abe Lincoln apologized to Ulysses S. Grant for second-guessing him on military strategy. (An unsolicited, personal, humble apology in an era before social media pressure! Even better!)

Actor Chris Hemsworth — perhaps with the help of director Taika Waititi (who told Snarly she wielded words like a sentinel of syntax and asked her to be his autobiographicalizinator, not that she’s bragging) — offered a very good apology for wearing a “Native American” Halloween costume in 2016. (BTW, Thor is also a good apologizer!)

Aussie broheem anchor Karl Stafanovic offered a surprisingly woke on-air apology for using the term “trannies.”

Dour Russian author Leo Tolstoy took a few tries to get it right, but he got there.

George Takei initially compounded the sin by telling those who were offended by his ableist Facebook post to lighten up, BUT he listened to criticism and eventually issued a good apology.

Three cheers for the Earl of Lauderdale, who apologized AND did not shoot Benedict Arnold in 1792, despite him totally being a traitor.

Shep Smith of Fox News acquitted himself quite well here.

Look, I’m feeling kinda demoralized by people thinking Louis CK apologized well, what with him not actually saying he was sorry. (As we note repeatedly here, REGRET IS NOT APOLOGY, chant it with me.) I may tackle his statement tomorrow, or not. SorryWatch just did a close-reading of Spacey’s AND Weinstein’s statements, so we’re feeling kind of skanky-duded-out.

Last year, SorryWatch approvingly noted that actor Chris Hemsworth made a good apology for insensitive behavior. It turns out that his character Thor is also a good apologizer! In a deleted scene from the first Thor movie in 2011, we learn that during the Asgardian god’s time on earth, he grows from imperious musclebound war-prince to sensitive dude who has learned to apologize.

Remember this diner scene?

Later in the movie, Thor helps his friend Jane make breakfast for her colleagues and refrains from hurling drinking receptacles. Go, Thor. But he goes further: In a scene left on the cutting room floor, he shows us that he regrets the crockery-shattering public outburst earlier in the film and wants to make amends.

What has Thor done right, apology fans?

He says “excuse me,” indicating he knows he’s interrupting Isabel’s work. He uses her name, which shows he’s paid attention. He tries to make amends and offer reparations (new cup). He is sincere, but he does not waste Isabel’s time or emotional energy; he does what has to be done and gets out of Dodge.

A very minor quibble: Ordinarily SorryWatch prefers “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” to “Please forgive me.” The “I” construction shows that the speaker recognizes their own fault, while “please forgive me” puts too much onus on the listener. The listener is the one who is owed something; the person who is apologizing should not be asking for a boon. Forgiveness is a gift. The person acknowledging that they’re in the wrong should not be asking for a gift at the same time that they’re supposed to be genuflecting. Right?

HOWEVER. Thor is not of our earth. He is still learning to speak in a less formal Midgardian manner. Dude is a god; he’s not accustomed to being a supplicant. We’ll let his phrasing go, because for Thor, saying “Please forgive me for my behavior” is a LOT. Our buff blond hammer-wielding pal has clearly come a long way. It should be possible for mere mortals, too.

 

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As you know, on October 5, the New York Times broke the news (or rather, reported extensively on an open secret and got on-the-record confirmation from famous actresses) about years of sexual harassment claims about producer Harvey Weinstein.

One of Weinstein’s lawyers, Lisa Bloom, entirely coincidentally the author of a book that Weinstein had optioned as a mini-series, seemed to pooh-pooh the accusations. She called him “an old dinosaur learning new ways.” He’s a little dinosaur! He is real old, don’t you know? Born ten billion years ago! But they don’t love him here enough and so he’s planning to go away!

Weinstein simultaneously apologized and threatened to sue the New York Times. (The New Yorker is supposedly soon to publish a similar story, so presumably Weinstein will threaten that publication too.) Here’s his apology. (As we analyze it, do us a solid and spurt the word “allegedly” all over this post.)

I came of age in the 60’s and 70’s, when all the rules about behavior and workplaces were different. That was the culture then.

I have since learned it’s not an excuse, in the office – or out of it. To anyone.

I realized some time ago that I needed to be a better person and my interactions with the people I work with have changed.

I appreciate the way I’ve behaved with colleagues in the past has caused a lot of pain, and I sincerely apologize for it.

Though I’m trying to do better, I know I have a long way to go. That is my commitment. My journey now will be to learn about myself and conquer my demons. Over the last year I’ve asked Lisa Bloom to tutor me and she’s put together a team of people. I’ve brought on therapists and I plan to take a leave of absence from my company and to deal with this issue head on. I so respect all women and regret what happened. I hope that my actions will speak louder than words and that one day we will all be able to earn their trust and sit down together with Lisa to learn more. Jay Z wrote in 4:44 “I’m not the man I thought I was and I better be that man for my children.” The same is true for me. I want a second chance in the community but I know I’ve got work to do to earn it. I have goals that are now priorities. Trust me, this isn’t an overnight process. I’ve been trying to do this for 10 years and this is a wake-up call. I cannot be more remorseful about the people I hurt and I plan to do right by all of them.

I am going to need a place to channel that anger so I’ve decided that I’m going to give the NRA my full attention. I hope Wayne LaPierre will enjoy his retirement party. I’m going to do it at the same place I had my Bar Mitzvah. I’m making a movie about our President, perhaps we can make it a joint retirement party. One year ago, I began organizing a $5 million foundation to give scholarships to women directors at USC. While this might seem coincidental, it has been in the works for a year. It will be named after my mom and I won’t disappoint her.

A quick summary of all the nope:

Lead with the apology, not the rationalizations. The word “apologize” doesn’t come until the fourth paragraph. Coming of age in what was apparently a Mad-Men-like world of endless groping of unwilling women is not an excuse. Plenty of 65-year-old men have somehow refrained from answering doors naked and publicly jerking off into potted plants.

“That was the culture then” is SO TOTALLY Lance Armstrong. (“I didn’t invent the culture, but I didn’t try to stop the culture, and that’s my mistake, and that’s what I have to be sorry for.”) When apologizing, do not emulate Lance Armstrong.

Stop with the “journey.” This is not a hero’s journey; don’t frame it as such. In the folklore of many cultures, the journey narrative involves a naive youth, frequently scorned as lacking in power or knowledge, receiving a mission to save others, going on a dangerous quest armed with little but wits and ethics, vanquishing monsters, returning a hero. This is…not that. “Journey” is a wildly overused word in American recovery language.

Paragraph 5 reads like a user’s manual of what an abuser (of drugs, racist language, other people’s trust, you name it) is supposed to say, but it’s delivered in an odd, staccato, fragmented way. Presumably the act of saying you’re getting help without spelling out exactly what for can lead to some awkward sentence construction. Also, telling us you respect women despite the whole groping thing that may or may not have happened feels kind of iffy. (As the New York Times pointed out, neither Weinstein nor Bloom disputed the content of the accusations — at least not initially. We’ll get back to this.)

As for “I regret what happened”…how many times does SorryWatch have to say that this is not how you apologize? Say you regret what you did. Say you regret the way you made others feel vulnerable, worthless, objectified, threatened and small. Say that you paid off at least eight women. Name your acts. Apologize by name, publicly and privately, to the people you hurt (and presumably there are more who were afraid to confront you, report you, or pursue legal action — if you happen to recall who they are, apologize to them, too).

What does “I have goals that are now priorities” mean? That you used to put “no moleste” signs on your hotel doorknob but now you’ll wear them around your neck like a rape whistle?

You want “a second chance in the community”? How about a second chance closer to home? Where is the apology to your wife, your former wife, your five children? Are they part of the community, thereby not deserving their own shout-out?

Why did you misquote Jay-Z? (Also, learn to spell his name.)

No one who says “trust me” is trustworthy.

“I cannot be more remorseful”? That sounds kind of defeatist, Harv. Try harder.

The last paragraph is a doozy. The abrupt pivot to “I am going to need a place to channel that anger” is confusing. What “anger,” exactly, is Weinstein channeling? The anger of being caught? The anger of being called to task? He doesn’t actually say “the anger I feel at myself for my hateful actions”; the minimalist “that anger” feels as though there’s a substantive modifier missing.

WAIT, WHAT? How did the NRA get in here? Why are you making hack-y Bar Mitzvah jokes? You’re threatening someone else (even if it’s Wayne LaPierre) in a response to others seeing you as a threatening figure? Is this a way of saying “you think I’m bad, what about that guy?”

What is this “making a movie about our president” mishegas? If I need to Google references in your public apology, it’s too inside baseball to be a public apology. And SCREEEEEEEECH, it’s another pivot to “I love and respect the ladies”! Informing all and sundry that you give aspiring young female screenwriters money? Plus invoking the holy sanctity of the word “mother” as a dog-whistle about your good manners and morals? (The part of me that wrote a book about the Jewish Mother stereotype also wonders if Weinstein’s bringing up “mother” and “Bar Mitzvah” in the same paragraph is a way to invoke stereotypes of nebbish-y, non-powerful, henpecked Jewish men unable to harm a fly because they’re so dominated by powerful women.)

And of course, the simultaneous issuing of an apology and the threat of a lawsuit is not at all suspect. Weinstein’s attorney told The Hollywood Reporter that the NYT story relied on “hearsay accounts” and a “faulty report, apparently stolen from an employee personnel file, which has been debunked by nine different eyewitnesses.” Weinstein himself told The Wrap, “I mean every word of that apology. The reason I am suing the New York Times is they didn’t give me enough time to respond.” His lawyer, Lisa Bloom, said — not helping her own case much — that “they gave us a couple dozen allegations that spanned 30 years and a dozen countries.” (I can see how two and a half days would not be long enough to respond to dozens of accusations in dozens of countries over dozens of years, yes.)

Wait, make that former lawyer Lisa Bloom. She quit after an explosion of social media blowback, as well as criticism from her ACTUAL MOM, victims’ rights attorney Gloria Allred. Allred observed that she herself would not represent an accused predator like Weinstein, and in fact, she’d be willing to go toe-to-toe with her daughter in a courtroom as opposing counsel.

It’ll be interesting, I suppose, to see if Weinstein tries a different apology strategy now that one lawyer, a different lawyer, and a third of his board have quit. Maybe he’ll continue to bluster about suing while not-really-apologizing. Honestly, I’ve lived in a human female body on this planet for too long to get invested in what happens to this one dude. There are so many more where he came from.

 

By the end of this horrible, un-yogic apology you will be lying in savasana on your floor. (See what I did there.)

THE BACKSTORY:

Earlier this week, in a 20,000-member closed Facebook group for yoga teachers, a fat yoga teacher (I use the word “fat” as a descriptor, with no value judgment) posted this: 

What is svadhyaya, you may ask? Yoga Journal defines it as “self-reflection.” Yoga is mental as well as physical; svadhyaya helps us see our true selves. “If we are willing to look at behaviors, motivations, and strategies we habitually use to maintain our own self-image, we can use svadhyaya to pierce through the veil that this self-image creates and into the nature of our own essential being,” the magazine writes. “Svadhyaya suggests that we can use all of our activities—solitary and relational—as mirrors in which to discover something important about ourselves and that we can use what we discover as valuable information in the process of arriving at a deeper self-understanding. Finally, the ultimate purpose of svadhyaya is to function as a mirror reminding us of our higher potential—in other words, as a way into the interior where our true Self resides.”

That sounds very elevated! Alas, while many teachers liked the post, many others felt that it was not worded nicely! The tone was too aggressive! One respondent declared, “90% of the people here are offended by your post.” The original poster (henceforth to be known as OP) replied calmly, 

WELP. That set our 90-percenter off. Behold. THE “APOLOGY”

Randy posted the following on his own FB page, not in the group. He has not apologized to the OP, unless she somehow missed his emails and DMs while she was off imbuing a four-state area with her vaginal fragrance.

THE OP’s RESPONSE (as told to Snarly in a telephone interview):

“That’s not an apology; that’s a blame-pology. He blames me for his complete loss of control. I just thought, ‘Oh, honey, no — you picked the wrong bitch.’ This kind of fat-shaming happens all the time. The way the social contract works is that if you’re a person in a larger body, you’re not supposed to make a fuss; you’re not supposed to make anyone uncomfortable about their fat-phobia; you’re never supposed to be angry…because you’re supposed to be ashamed. And that’s a script I’m not willing to engage in anymore.”

THE ANALYSIS OF APOLOGY SUCKAGE:

1. “inconsiderate of how other people may feel”: Minimize much, Randy? People “may feel” bad to be told they have a smelly cunt? The word “may” does not belong in your apology. You DID offend.
2. Second paragraph: Good apology words, except “weighs very heavy on my heart.” Not about you, fella. And if it actually did weigh heavy on your heart, you’d apologize to the woman you suggested had stopped engaging with you because she’d died from choking on food.
3. Third paragraph: OFF THE RAILS AGAIN! Telling someone they offended “90 percent of the people” in a group is not “friendly.” The “insulting rebuttals” were a mere, mild request to examine your fury and word choices. Other people in the group noted that what you said was horrifying; she did not.
4. WHAT THE FUCK WITH THE FRUIT METAPHOR, RANDY. It took a few tries for me to understand your “colorful, humorous, and fruitful” analogy, but it seems you are saying that the strawberry is “soooo offended” by other fruit because other fruit have internal rather than external seeds, and strawberries demand more attention even though they are only five feet of them in a whole orchard. I cannot believe I’m about to analyze a metaphor this shitty, but here goes: If strawberries are fat people and other fruits are “normal” people, strawberries who are upset that their internal seeds are not respected is NOT THE SAME as fat people who are upset that they are not welcome or accommodated in yoga classes. Your metaphor sucks because ALL FRUIT HAVE SEEDS. Not all people are welcome in yoga classes. Inside vs outside seeds is a visual difference; fat people are not just visually different — they have different exercise needs. Other fruit — I mean, yoga teachers, DAMMIT RANDY — have to be aware of how to adapt poses for students with big boobs or bellies. Back in the day when I practiced Iyengar yoga, the instructor was open to practitioners with specific concerns about knees or hips, carpal tunnel issues, poor balance, old age. The classes were still hard as hell (Iyengar is about strength and proper form and holding poses until you freeze like a lava-covered dog in Pompeii) but they were not dismissive of physical difference. And Randy? Are ALL THE OTHER FRUIT the same fruit? Are you aware that in reality fruit come in different colors and shapes and ripening schedules and some are hard to grow and some are not, and MAYBE EACH KIND OF FRUIT TAKES UP ONLY FIVE FEET IN THE METAPHOR ORCHARD BUT THEY ARE ALL DELICIOUS AND DESERVE RESPECT AND TOGETHER THESE FIVE-FOOT PLOTS MAKE UP THE WHOLE GARDEN? Unless you’re saying aaaalllll the other fruit are thin, white and able-bodied, like…DAMMIT WHAT THE HELL IS A THIN WHITE FRUIT? (If anyone in the comments makes a David Bowie joke you are permanently banned.) FUCK IT LET’S PRETEND WHITE ASPARAGUS ARE A FRUIT AND SAY IF YOU’RE ONLY CHOOSING TO PLANT, EAT AND TEACH WHITE ASPARAGUS YOU ARE MAKING YOUR CULINARY WORLD TOO DAMN SMALL.
5. The original poster did not “insult” or “attack” you. Other people were horrified by what you said and responded accordingly, but you seem to understand that the woman you spewed misogyny and sizeism at deserves an apology. You did call your words to her “disgusting,” “offensive” and “rude.” And yet you haven’t apologized to her. You’ve only contributed this performative fruit-centric post.
6. “the whole an eye for an eye thing” — really? You see equivalence here?
7. “we all still have a great bit of learning and growing to do” — nope. “All?” Again with the equivalency. A good apology is about what you did. Not other people. Only you.
8. “I have struggled with bullies my whole life”: TINY VIOLIN, NOT RELEVANT.
9. “any hurt I may have created”: No may, bud. You did.

THE REACTION (+ A SUGGESTION FROM THE SORRYWATCHERS):

Many teachers defended Randy. He apologized! What do the haters want, a pound of flesh? It’s not yogic to be so angry! Move on! Some folks who knew him noted that he loves and worries about fat people in his life. They noted that he and his girlfriend have a small baby and he is probably tired. You know what? From an apology perspective, BIG WHOOP. A good apology names the sin instead of alluding vaguely to it, takes responsibility, makes no excuses, explains how and why the behavior won’t recur.  It might sound something like this:

“I am so sorry. I’m sorry to OP and to everyone who witnessed the horrible, misogynistic, fat-phobic things I said here yesterday. I called OP unforgiveable names. I said I could smell her cunt four states away. I said I suspected she was refusing to engage with me because she’d choked to death on her third breakfast. I said a lot more. There are no excuses. It’s ironic, perhaps, that what set me off was OP’s call for svadhyaya; svadhyaya is precisely what I failed to engage in. I can’t apologize enough to all of you…and [girlfriend], I am so sorry about what I did to you. You gave me the gift of letting me teach in your studio, and I betrayed you with my despicable name-calling. I realize that my behavior puts your business and good name at risk. I promise I will not teach at your studio — or anywhere else — until I’ve done a lot of soul-searching, as OP originally recommended. I’m going to watch the videos she mentioned. I’m going to read books about bias in the health-care, diet and fitness industries. I welcome everyone’s suggestions of sources. And I know this isn’t enough. The fact that so many of you rushed to forgive me, and lashed out at her for expressing a valid point of view that was actually proved by what ensued here, means you should be engaging in svadhyaya too. But this is about me, not you. OP, I’m sorry. If there’s something else I should be doing to try to make things right, please DM me or take me to task here, publicly.

THE AFTERMATH: 

For a few hours, the studio where Randy taught — which is co-owned and run by the person whose name I covered in Randy’s post, who is also his girlfriend — took down its page. Then Randy took down or hid his personal page, on which he’d shared that gross apology (and where he’d deleted all critical comments, leaving only those calling him a prince among men). The studio’s page returned, with this post:

The owner of the studio, Randy’s girlfriend, also reached out the OP directly. To apologize. Her words were lovely and a bit heartbreaking (because why was she apologizing for her partner’s bad behavior?) and showed that she actually is clueful about fat bias and what yoga can and should be. Unlike OP, though (who is a friend of a friend of a friend), she did not give me permission to share. (I have no compunction about sharing Randy’s social media bullshit because we spotlight good and bad apologies here, and in fact we DESPERATELY SEEK GOOD ONES, should you hear of any, and we would have loved to applaud Randy for apologizing well, and the fact that he denied us this pleasure is ON HIM.)

Suffice it to say that by insuring that her boyfriend will not teach at her studio, and contacting OP with truly lovely expressions of sorrow and thoughtfulness, girlfriend has gone above and beyond. Her studio shouldn’t be penalized for her boyfriend’s behavior, and she should know that a lot of people see her as a good person in a bad situation.

Svadhyaya for everyone, please.

 

 

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Parkour, closely related to free running, is cool. Fun to do and to watch. You’re dashing through the built world like an obstacle course, bouncing off stuff, leaping from building to building as if pursued by killers, hurtling walls, maybe tossing in unnecessary back flips – what’s not to love?

Maybe lack of a salary. One way around this is the Storror Parkour way, in which you sell parkour gear. You can put up parkour videos on YouTube and FaceBook, showing your sponsored team wearing Storror attire. (Storror is based in the UK.)

On tour in Southern California, the Storror team decided to shoot some promo video. At Joshua Tree National Park, full of lovely boulders to carom off and onto. Sounds brilliant.

But the videos they released showed team members breaking laws and treating at least one Joshua tree badly. There were remarks about drones which showed they knew it was illegal to fly drones in the park, they did so anyway, and upset birds attacked the drone. They adorably titled one video “It’s Illegal To Fly Drones Here?!” They were shown building a illegal fire with illegally gathered deadfall wood.

All in Storror gear.

Social media. Backlash. They were criticized for these things and for others, such as potentially harassing a snake they filmed.

Storror put out this apology:

To the residents of Joshua Tree National Park and all those affected by our recent content and alleged crimes committed in the area, we apologise. (IT’S A NATIONAL PARK. IT BELONGS TO THE NATION. THOSE ARE MY TREES YOU WERE FUCKING WITH. “ALLEGED” DOESN’T BELONG IN AN APOLOGY.)

Like I say, usually more urban.

1. We were aware that the Joshua Trees are protected but did not fully understand the extent or the severity of the protection. (BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T DO YOUR ADVANCE RESEARCH.) We caused no damage to the fallen (NOT FALLEN, NOT DEAD) trees and intended solely on the artistic use of a new and abstract obstacle. We understand certain damage is not always visible but must insist that these were not our intentions at all when we used the tree as a takeoff. (YOU DON’T GET TO BE THE ONES TO DECIDE WHAT DAMAGE TO RISK.)…

Banking off urban palm trees. Not the same as Joshua trees in their own national park.

2. Drone laws across the world have progressed very sporadically and we understand that our reaction to the rule was ignorant and potentially offensive. Birds tend to circle drones out of curiosity but admittedly, the drone has potential to cause distress, similarly to the influence of a bigger bird of prey for example. We wrongly assumed (BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T DO ADVANCE RESEARCH) the rule prioritised the residents and visitors of the peaceful park, thus moving considerably far from any inhabitance before flying the drone for a few shots of the breathtaking sunset. Capturing the incredible view was our only, and to some, selfish intention.

Not actually necessary to wear special parkour gear.

3. We were unaware (BECAUSE NO ADVANCE RESEARCH) that collecting wood from the surrounding area was not permitted and further apologise for lighting a fire away from designated camp grounds despite being aware (WHAT THE ACTUAL?) of the risk and driving a considerable distance from the park. Since (DO YOU KNOW WHAT ADVANCE RESEARCH IS?) hearing stories of forest/bush fires, we fully understand the worry and distress this footage may have caused. We can confirm the fire was completely smothered (WE SHOULD TRUST YOU?) and the imminent vicinity was soaked with roughly 4 gallons of water before we left the area.

What. No.

4. Walking back to camp, we spotted the snake by the trail. Being who we are (UH HUH), we filmed the snake, documented the encounter and moved on. This happened over the course of roughly 15 seconds. WE DID NOT KILL THE SNAKE AND WOULD NEVER FATHOM SUCH AN ACT. A number of articles have unfortunately warped this information and further fuelled the anger expressed by those affected.

Joshua trees consider this dense forest.

We intended no level of distress to anyone, and wanted to celebrate the beauty and diversity of the park through showcasing the sense of freedom everyone gets when they visit. We have taken the youtube videos down and would like to offer a final apology for having fun at the clear expense of the Joshua Tree community and those affected by our recent antics. (ARE WE AGAINST FUN ANTICS? WELL…)

Bad bad apology.

It’s riddled with excuses and language that minimizes what they did. They say the tree they used as a springboard had “fallen.” They say they’re all about the art – and don’t mention commercial promotion.

Drone law so confusing! They assumed the rules against drones were meant to privilege locals – to protect wildlife in nesting season? Who knew? They claim the birds just felt curious, not threatened. Besides, the view was incredible – did we mention we’re artists?

And fire. No. No no no. YOU DO NOT FOOL WITH FIRE IN CALIFORNIA. Thousands and thousands of acres have burned because of campfires people thought were smothered.

It doesn’t look to us like they did the snake any harm, but by now their credibility is shot full of holes and sinking.

Then there’s snarkiness. That’s who we are! Media warped what we did! We just love fun – Don’t you?

The best part of the apology is that they took the videos down, though bits can be seen here and there on the web.

They’re not the first to think of Joshua Tree National Park as a cheap stage. A place to tag the landscape in the name of art. Or in the name of your name – sections of the park have been closed for months at a time after being promoted on social media as a tagging venue. Beth Orton was only doing what the photographer told her when she spray-painted a Joshua tree, and besides she thought it was dead.

U2 only used a photograph. Works for me.

They’re not the first sports-promoters to display ignorant contempt for trees. What about those Joshua trees, which apparently look dead to so many people? They grow in a limited area, in a harsh environment. An environment where it’s not really possible to survive with a thick coat of bright green leaves. They can live hundreds of years, even a thousand, IF JERKS LEAVE THEM ALONE. They tend to have few branches, grow spindly, and tilt readily.

The species may be particularly threatened by climate change because there are no longer any giant Shasta ground sloths around to eat their fruit and distribute their seeds to new growing areas. Not really Storror Parkour’s fault.

But the sloths lived until about 11,000 years ago. SorryWatch suspects it was humans who wiped them out (sooo tasty!). Thus, like the rest of us, it behooves Storror Parkour to try to make up for damage done by our species and help preserve Joshua trees, not use them as trampolines.

(Hat tip to David Gans, who alerted us to this one!)