To my fellow Americans:

 

I owe you an apology.

 

When I sent that sternly worded tweet telling you to stay home because you don’t need to get your roots done, I did not actually send it from my stylist’s chair. That is a scurrilous rumor and I apologize that you believed it. I also apologize that my words were taken out of context. What I meant was that you don’t need to get your roots done. I do, and did. I am very sorry that you are not as important as I, and I deeply regret this, but we all just have to accept that in a capitalist democracy, this is how things work. Others may purchase a root touch-up kit for at-home use, but I refuse to support Amazon, which is destroying our community’s small businesses. [Pause, aide whispers in ear.] I know now that there are many small businesses in our community that would sell me a root touch-up kit, but that would require a lack of a sense of entitlement that I do not not possess. I am truly sorry if your expectation was that I would fail to support my beloved longtime stylist, a hero, who is willing to put her life at risk because our city, state, and federal governments do not sufficiently aid our local small business owners, which is very sad and wrong. [Pause, aide whispers in ear.] And I should definitely do something about that, like some sort of legislation. Again, however, I want to reiterate that I apologize for your lack of famousness relative to my own.

 

I also apologize for filming that video in the airport telling you to not to travel for the holidays. As a husband, a father, and a Christian, I flew to Cabo after my beloved daughter’s engagement party, which was essential travel because she and I both do whatever we want. I am deeply sorry for the poor optics, however, now that you have found out about my actions. Thankfully, there is no reason for concern because I held my breath for the entire flight from Denver.

 

I further apologize for spending Thanksgiving with more family members than our state’s lockdown rules allow. Which I did immediately after urging you, my constituents, to “cancel big gatherings this year.” In addition, I’m sorry my office lied to the media about my inadvertent mistake of lying to the media, which was inadvertent. I was distracted by working hard for my city/state/country, and my exhaustion made me careless in telling my housekeeper to purchase so many sweet potatoes. I was shocked, shocked, at my staff’s misrepresentations, which were certainly not sanctioned by me, and I have appointed a task force and a commission, and the investigation is ongoing. Still, the buck stops with me. I wish to assure you that during our celebration of American exceptionalism, my loved ones and I wore masks the entire time except when we didn’t. And our gathering took place outside except for the time we were inside.

 

I will not apologize, however, for honoring the heritage of this beautiful country, about which no one is more patriotic than I, and I assure you that my Thanksgiving celebration, at which I reflected about our nation’s highest ideals, was very small, consisting of only 73 close friends and elderly relatives, all of whom had been quarantining with 114 of their closest friends and relatives for at least 3 hours before their flights. I refuse to be ashamed of my love for my family and for America, which is why I was in my beautiful American backyard, which is socially distant from my constituents’ backyards in neighborhoods with worse schools.

 

Finally, I apologize unreservedly for taking that six-hour train ride to another country while experiencing Covid symptoms and then taking the same train home after receiving a positive Covid test result. I was not thinking clearly because of the high fever. And I could not put down my ticket because my muscles had seized up. And I could not say to my staff, “gee, maybe I shouldn’t travel” because I was terribly short of breath. While what happened is unfortunate, I am glad I had the opportunity to educate my fellow citizens about Covid symptoms. Obviously I’m quite sorry that I previously called on another politician to resign for disregarding travel restrictions, saying at the time that his actions “have undermined the sacrifices that we have all been making in lockdown” and adding that “he should be removed from his post now.” I have learned a valuable lesson today about not getting caught, and I deeply regret your catching of me.