New York’s Governor Andrew Cuomo has issued a second statement, after a third woman came forward with accusations of sexual harassment. Please allow us, your friends at SorryWatch, to annotate it for you:

“The lawyers say you shouldn’t say anything when you have a pending review…I understand that. I’m a lawyer too. But I want New Yorkers to hear from me directly on this.”

SO COURAGE! MUCH TRUTHTELLAGE! We’re supposed to think that his speaking up, against his lawyers’ advice, means that he’s both honest and blameless. All candor. Nothing to hide. If he’s willing to disregard legal advice, obviously he must be innocent!

“First, I fully support a woman’s right to come forward.”

Now that we have that out of the way, I will demonstrate why women rarely DO come forward. By discrediting them! Here I go!

“I now understand that I acted in a way that made people feel uncomfortable. It was unintentional.”

Intentions don’t matter. Impact does.

“I truly and deeply apologize for it. I feel awful about it. And frankly I am embarrassed by it, and that’s not easy to say, but that’s the truth.”

ME ME ME ME ME ME IMPACT ON ME. I AM SUFFERING. MEEEEEEEEE.

“But this is what I want you to know: I never touched anyone inappropriately. I never touched anyone inappropriately. I never knew at the time that I was making anyone uncomfortable, I never knew at the time I was making anyone feel uncomfortable.”

He is repeating himself to show how serious he is about this. To show how serious he is about this. To show he is blameless. To show he is blameless!

“And I certainly never ever meant to offend anyone or hurt anyone or cause anyone any pain. That is the last thing I would ever want to do.”

Again. His intentions are irrelevant. He did offend people. He did hurt people. He did cause pain. And what he wants – whether it’s the first or last thing – is not germane.

“I ask the people of this state to wait for the facts from the Attorney General’s report before forming an opinion. Get the facts, please, before forming an opinion. And the Attorney General is doing that review. I will fully cooperate with it. And then you will have the facts. And make a decision when you know the facts.”

The Trumpy syntax is again a way to stress his innocence. Staccato sentences! Repetition! Truth! We don’t know the facts! We don’t know the facts! Telling us 47 times that we don’t know the facts is also a way to discredit the women. #MeToo, but not, y’know, ME too. I support a women’s right to come forward, but this particular woman is lying. I mean, women. All four of them. I mean three! Three women! Three! Have come forward! Wait for the facts so you can see that they are aggressive hussies. Also I asked the third one if I could kiss her and I asked the first one to play strip poker, which shows I understand consent! And I enjoy touching lower backs. Other people grab pussies and get to stay in office; why is everyone picking on me?

“I also want you to know that I have learned from what has been an incredibly difficult situation for me as well as other people. And I’ve learned an important lesson. I’m sorry. I am sorry for whatever pain I caused anyone. I never intended it.” And I will be the better for this experience. Thank you.”

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Me.

Again, intent doesn’t matter. Also, the implication here is that it is certainly possible that he did not cause any pain, or maybe super-minimal pain (“whatever pain”), to those women or to his constituents or to his employees (“anyone”) because as he said in his first bad apology, he is a jocular and amusing person. Also, he is worldly as well as fun. Gifts of red roses and signed photos of himself and unsolicited kisses on the lips are normal in less uptight cultures, which must be why he did not mention them. (Nor did he mention them in his previous nearly-as-non-specific apology.)

SorryWatch’s only comment about that FIRST attempt at an apology, three days ago, is this:

8 words that do not belong in an apology:

1. Misinterpreted
2. Playful
3. Good-natured
4. Tease
5. Levity
6. Banter
7. Intended
8. Never