Is it an apology problem, or a social media problem?

We appreciate the shout-out to SorryWatch and our forthcoming book in this week’s New Yorker. (That featured image is not of this week’s New Yorker; we just like cats and William Steig.)

SorryWatch agrees with author Jill Lepore that ugh, Twitter.

More precisely: We agree that the process in which some people clamor for apologies on social media while others invariably insist on rejecting those apologies while still others holler that the person being called on to apologize DOES NOT OWE ANYONE AN APOLOGY FUCK THOSE SNOWFLAKES DO NOT APOLOGIZE DAMMIT is loud and exhausting.

But we’d also argue that this is a social media problem, not an apology problem. People act like assholes on social media because social media, as we write in our book, is designed to turn people into assholes. Being infuriated = engagement! Being infuriated = clicks!

Managing to give a good public apology in spite of all this shrieking and snarking is truly commendable. But good public apologies do exist! They are rare; and no matter how good they are, they won’t be accepted by all parties. But that’s no reason not to deliver them. You give a good apology because it’s the right thing to do, not because you know how it’ll be received.

Truthfully, our book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry focuses less on public statements and more on private apologies, apologies that take place between non-famous humans, because we feel there’s more to learn and more to gain from being generous to each other in real life than by demanding that someone like, oh, say, Arizona Senator Wendy Rogers publicly apologize for making fun, oh ho ho, of the brutal attack on Paul Pelosi. Neither SorryWatch nor the Pelosi family will ever get the kind of apology we want from Arizona Senator Wendy Rogers.

Lepore notes, “a culture of forced, performed remorse…has elevated wrath and loathing” and  “demeaned sorrow, grief, and consolation.” Yes! That’s why we say, over and over, that you shouldn’t apologize if you’re not sorry. When you’re not sorry, you apologize badly. Pretty much invariably. Whether that apology is public or private. And bad apologies make everything worse. If you’re not sorry, say nothing. Because another truth about the social-media whirl is that it never stops moving. If you’re not sorry, and you opt not to apologize, Twitter will almost always move on. (For, uh, as long as Twitter continues to exist.) The folks who are angry at you will be distracted by another bright shiny apology-shaped object before too long. OMG, verified fake Eli Lilly says that insulin should be free! Chappelle’s an antisemite! Jorts the labor movement cat infuriated some people with disabilities by criticizing personal-shopper apps!

God, it’s exhausting. Social media demands an immediate response (to everything!). But a good apology almost always requires sitting with what you did. We’ve mentioned the research on this, and go into it more deeply in the book. You have to parse why someone’s mad at you, wrestle with your own ego, determine whether you want to apologize…and if so, how.

So, forthwith: Here are some good public apologies. (There are some more good celeb apologies in an earlier post, should you crave more.)

Actress Ellie Kemper apologized on social media for participating in a debutante ball, twenty years earlier, established by a white supremacist group. When the story broke, she initially said nothing. Social media calls for her to apologize got louder and louder. Instead of reacting defensively (by blaming her youth, which was essentially the way Mark Wahlberg apologized for his racist history) she took responsibility.

Florence Pugh apologized for her history of culturally appropriative wardrobe choices in an imperfectly expressed but sincere Instagram post that sounded like it was written by an actual human, not a team of crisis management advisors and publicists. She wrote that she initially didn’t understand why her red-carpet sporting of box braids and cornrows was problematic, but she educated herself. She wrote that at first, “I was defensive and confused, white fragility coming out, plain and simple,” but then she listened to a friend who explained that “when Black girls do it they’re mocked and judged, but when white girls do it, it’s only then perceived as cool.”

In our book, we discuss Questlove’s public apology for Instagram posts that mocked Japanese people’s accents and intonations. Like Pugh, he wrote his apology in his own voice, so he did not sound like an Edelman global communications professional in a blunt-angled lob and a St. John knit blazer. “[G]iven that black culture consistently finds itself at the butt end of so many offensive ‘outsider’ jokes, I should be way, way more sensitive (after all, who’s zooming who),” he wrote. “I for one, should never allow my cultural bias to take precedence over my ‘examined life’ (clunkers be damned).”

As our six-point apology blueprint notes, a good apology isn’t just words. Emory University and Stanford University have both apologized for their histories of keeping out (or kicking out) Jewish students. Are these apologies extremely belated? Yes. Did the universities lie and dissemble for years about what they did? Also yes. We’d argue, though, that even apologies that are years late and produced under pressure are worth considering. No one ever has to accept an apology. But there is also no expiration date on the chance to apologize. We like to say “apologies are mandatory; forgiveness isn’t.” Full and public disclosure of the historic record, and transparent consideration of how to build a better future are also part of the act of apology. Apologies are acts as well as statements.

Oh, and though President Trump made it clear that he believes apologies are a sign of weakness (good ones are actually a sign of strength, but go off) (no really, go off), some Republicans are capable of apologizing well, when they choose to. Here’s a good one: Utah pol Spencer Cox apologizing for past homophobia. BTW, not only was this Lieutenant Governor not punished by voters for apologizing well, he went on to be elected Governor.

Just something to think about.

PS. Thank you to Publishers Weekly (link requires a subscription, sorry sorry sorry), which just featured a roundup of 12 forthcoming helpful books that “ditch the traditional resolution model…in favor of achievable change.” Sorry, Sorry, Sorry led the pack; the article echoed PW’s review that called our book “an accessible and well-informed resource for navigating difficult conversations.” Good apologies are achievable, friends!