In 1992, young James Franco — his years of heavy-lidded Oscar-hosting and “amazingly underwhelming” fiction-writing still ahead of him — egged a house in his hometown of Palo Alto. The boy who lived in that house grew into a man who runs a “curated digital marketplace” called Bureau of Trade, wherein hip and quirky and exquisite items are sold. And 14-year-old James Franco’s letter of apology to the man’s father, one Dr. Moskowitz, is now for sale on the Bureau.

Oh, “Ted.” May I call you Ted? That apology is as clammy and viscous as a raw egg, dripping gently down the ogee of a Mission Revival home. “First of all I will apologize once again” is a crap lede. This is not a school assignment. “First of all”? How dutiful and dreary and unexcited can you sound? Tell us about the Smoot-Hawley tariff, why don’t you. And reminding the recipient that you have already apologized is not a good way to begin. That said, the thanks in the middle is a nice touch…but the conclusion — ugh. The person who committed the offense does not get to say, “I hope we can just forget all this and put it behind us.” That’s something for the forgiver to say, not the sinner.

Mr. Franco, please read my esteemed colleague’s Parts of a Good Apology post and get in touch with the Moskowitzes. And tell your mom I enjoyed her cat poems!