The Ugly Volvo is a blog by writer and stand-up comic Raquel D’Apice. Recently she posted a powerful open letter containing 10 apologies.
They’re all to her dog Tig, for the sharp decreases in Tig’s quality of life since a baby arrived – the curtailed walks, the lack of personal attention, the delayed mealtimes, and the OUTRAGEOUS FAVORITISM shown to one who can’t even wag its tail or lick its own chops, let alone walk on a leash.
Uh huh. Who ya gonna shake hands with first?
All this even though Tig is a very good dog.
The apologies are heartfelt. D’Apice says she’s sorry. For what she did. And does. Which she doesn’t skate past, but lists and describes.
She doesn’t let herself off the hook. In apology #3, she discusses unequal treatment of dog and baby. “I’m sorry that he pulls on your ears and grabs hold of the fur on your face and yet, when you try to break free by licking him, we shout, ‘Tig, stop licking!’ It’s a giant double standard. I want to rationalize it by saying something like, ‘Yes, but you have big teeth and sharp claws,’ but if I’m going to be totally honest with myself, I have four different scratch and bite marks on my face and arms and you are not responsible for any of them.”
Not to mention the grossly inequitable treatment of poop incidents.
You don’t want the baby sitting there with a dirty face, do you?
“I’m sorry that the two times in your entire life that you pooped in the house I LOST MY FREAKING MIND OVER IT, and yet every other day the baby sh*ts on the floor while urinating all over my bathrobe and I just sort of sigh and walk listlessly out of the room. I do not yell at the baby and point to his poop and say ‘No!’”
She takes responsibility, but can’t say much will change.
“I’m sorry that sometimes I can tell you have to pee but I can’t take you outside because the baby’s sleeping and I can’t leave him alone in the apartment while I go out to take you for a walk. That is one of the rules of having an apartment.”
I apologize to Felix every time I leave the house without him. His expectations are always high.
However, some commenters note that things will get better when the baby starts being served solid food. Dog love the open-handed joy that is a child in a high chair. “You dropped some Cheerios! I am on it! Splat and hurray for oatmeal! Wow, what’s this? Strained beets? Well, oKAY! OMG, rice cakes! Hey KID, KID, KID! DROP ME A GOLDFISH!!!! Kid! I’m dyin’ here, KID!”
And keep reading. In the 10th apology, D’Apice finds a way to start making it up to Tig.
You’ll see. Though I feel she should also let Tig lick the baby.
she should totally let tig lick the baby! good for baby immune system!
Breaking news: Raquel D’Apice tells me “I totally let the dog lick the baby 🙂 The reason I have to say ‘Tig, stop licking,’ is because once she starts, the dog does not STOP licking the baby.”
I thought that child looked awfully clean.
Good human, great dog…