Zeman Elementary School in Lincoln, Nebraska, sent a flyer to parents of fifth graders with 9 rules for their kids. The rules are supposed to help kids stop being bullied, by turning bullies into friends.

Wow! How empowering is that!?!

Except that the rules are horrible, and who do they empower? Bullies. Rules like ‘Don’t tell anyone you’re being bullied, because you’ll just make the bully mad, and then THEY WON’T LIKE YOU.’ Or ‘Don’t defend yourself, because THAT’S AN UNFRIENDLY THING TO DO.’

Here’s the whole messed-up list:

Rule #1: Refuse to get mad. Anger is a feeling we have toward our enemies, not our buddies. When you get angry, you are treating them like they are an enemy. Besides, if a bully finds out he/she can get you angry, you become their puppet and the bully controls you.

Rule #2: Treat the person who is being mean as if they are trying to help you. No matter how insulting or mean they may sound, be grateful and think they really care about you. (This does not mean you have to believe what they tell you.)

Rule #3: Do not be afraid. Fear is something we feel toward enemies, not buddies. When you are afraid, you are treating the bully like an enemy. If you afraid [sic], you are automatically putting the bully in the stronger position, and you automatically lose, and since the bully wants to keep winning, they will continue doing things to make you afraid.

Rule #4: Do not verbally defend yourself. We defend ourselves from enemies, so we are treating the other person as an enemy, not a friend. When one person attacks and the other person is a defender, the attacker is in the stronger position, so the defender is automatically the loser. If we defend, we lose.

Rule #5: Do not attack. We attack enemies, not friends. If I attack you back, I am treating you like an enemy, so the bully will in return, treat you like an enemy. It takes two people to fight, so it’s the person who retaliates or responds, who actually starts the fight.

Rule #6: If someone physically hurts you, just show you are hurt: do not get angry. If someone hurts you, you want them to feel sorry and apologize. If you get angry, they won’t feel sorry.

Rule #7: Do not tell on bullies. The number one reason bullies hate their victims, is because the victims tell on them. Telling makes the bully want to retaliate. Tell an adult only when a real injury or crime (theft of something valuable) has occurred. Would we keep our friends if we tattled on them?

Rule #8: Don’t be a sore loser. No one likes a sore loser. Would you like to play with someone who gets all upset when they lose? Lose gracefully and be a good sport; kids will like you better.

Rule #9: Learn to laugh at yourself and not get “hooked” by put-downs. Make a joke out of it or agree with the put-down. For example:

“If you think I’m ugly, you should see my sister!”

“You’re right and it’s going to get worse!”

“I’ve know [sic] that for a long time.”

“Thanks for noticing!”

“If you think I look like a nerd, you should see my dad!”

Looks like bullies wrote that.

Rebecca Rose at Jezebel asks, “Were these rules written by Kim Jong-il before he died? That’s the only reasonable explanation for how this kind of bullshit could exist.”

Actually, according to 1011 News, the rules were written by Israel “Izzy” Kalman and posted as “The True Meaning of the Golden Rule: Love Your Bullies,” on a Psychology Today blog. It’s part of his “Bullies2Buddies Golden Rule” shtik, a strange mix of the Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you) and crude power dynamics.

Elsewhere Kalman explains the don’t-tattle rule: “Getting people in trouble is one of the meanest things you can do. If you are having a problem with people, they will like and respect you more if you talk to them directly. Only tell when it’s an emergency or because you want to be taught how to handle the problem on your own.”

He apparently sees a First Amendment issue too. Kalman writes, “Give people freedom of speech. When you try to stop people from saying nasty things to you, they continue. When you permit them, they stop. Even when they are insulting or cursing you, respond as if they are trying to tell you something valuable.”

They stop? NO THEY DON’T.

Kalman is a school psychologist who sells his bullying prevention program to schools.

Kalman probably picked the semi-archaic term “buddies” because it matches up with the word “bullies.” A younger person confirmed my impression that the word seems “weird and old.” It creates a clueless talking-down effect (Hiya chums! Let’s rap about bullying!), and suggests to me that the writer has no idea what the facts on the ground are about bullying.

NOT THAT I’M BITTER.

In seventh grade two boys hissed at me in every math class, “McCarthy! Carpenter’s delight – flat as a board!” Should I really have treated them as if they were trying to help me and asked them how to increase my chest measurements? Telling me something valuable? Should I really have made a joke out of it and kidded around with them about our secondary sexual characteristics?

Don’t think so. In fact I did nothing – I “permitted” them to go on. Contrary to Kalman’s prediction, they did not stop. They branched out.

Speaking of fifth grade, that was the year a big boy followed Tammy and me around the playground at lunch, calling us wet noodles. We did tattle, or as we thought of it, ask the grownups to stop him. Their unhelpful response was that he was probably trying to get our attention because he liked us. This purported consolation also applied to the barrage of food items – banana chunks, gobs of tuna – that sometimes flew from the boys’ lunch table to the girls’ lunch table.

We did not care if they liked us. Their behavior didn’t make us like them. We did not want to be bombarded with food. Tammy and I did not want to be followed and taunted.

TURNS OUT I’M STILL ANGRY.

Once again, Kalman’s wacky rules don’t seem helpful. But could the problem be that the rules didn’t go far enough and so I misunderstood them? Could it be we need more rules for increased clarity?

Like:

Take it as a compliment. If a bully follows you around the school yard, calling you names, it shows he/she is interested in you. That’s just a step away from being buddies!

Share secrets. Nothing brings buddies closer like a conspiracy of silence. Don’t tattle, don’t answer grownups’ questions about the bully, and try not to scream if the bully hurts you. Make your new buddy grateful you’re so quiet!

Put on a happy face. Refuse to get depressed about being bullied. Nobody wants to be buddies with pitiful people. If bullies think they can make you sad, you become their puppet. If anyone asks how things are at school, say “Fine!”

Get interested in their interests. Find out what the bully likes to do, and figure out how you can help. If the bully likes lighting fires, bring a lighter or some fuel from home. If he/she likes naked pictures, see if you can find some to share! If the bully likes teasing animals, find out where there are some you can visit together after school.

Share in the fun! If a bully starts bullying someone else, join in! Sharing activities is one of the best ways to be buddies.

Be generous. Bring small presents for the bully to show you’re buddies now. Buddies often appreciate coin collections, alcohol, or handheld electronics. If you get caught, remember: Don’t tattle! Let them send you to a psychologist, but don’t let them pick on your new buddy.

Be impressive. Do more than is asked. If a bully tells you to steal a shirt from a store, steal three. If a bully tells you to punch a little kid in the face, punch the kid and then call the kid a crybaby whiner! Everyone will want to be your buddy.

Spend time hanging out. If a bully tries to get you to go to a secluded place, agree cheerfully. Who wants to be buddies with someone who doesn’t want to be controlled and victimized?

Change the focus. If a bully – wait, a new buddy – keeps attacking you, get him/her interested in attacking someone else.

“My sister cries really easy.”

“If you call my brother names his ears turn red.”

“We should ask the new girl why she doesn’t have a dad.”

“The teacher’s so proud of her new car. I bet she’d freak out if somebody keyed it!”

“I know where my dad keeps the key to his gun cabinet.”

…

To be fair, Kalman’s approach probably works for some kids, some of the time. Being a self-hating class clown has occasionally led to a career in comedy, for example.

It’s also true that the concept of bullying has been taken up with vehemence. The image of “the bully” has become a new monster. Yet most bullying is just ordinary kids being cruel, not the reign of psychopaths.

But for most kids, buddying up to tormentors won’t work. Turning the other cheek may not turn away wrath on the playground, it may just enable more bullying. He never says why kids should want to be friends with bullies. He never examines the possibility that bullies won’t want to be friends with those they’re bullying.

At Zeman Elementary School the reaction to the rules – especially the Don’t Tattle one – was outraged. The school promptly put out an apology. They said that’s not their policy on bullying at all, and they apologized.

An apology which was subsequently removed from their Facebook page. Most of that statement, however, can be found on sites that copied it before it was taken down.

Our educators at Zeman Elementary School work hard to provide accurate and appropriate lessons and education for our students in how to handle bullying situations. The flyer was sent home with good intentions, unfortunately, it contained advice that did not accurately reflect LPS best practices regarding response to bullying incidents.
We encourage all students and parents to continue to communicate with our staff if you have any questions or concerns about bullying situations.
We apologize for any problems or confusion this has caused for students and families.”We have added a link to our webpage where you will find “The Facts About Bullying,” which contains our best advice for parents.

That doesn’t take responsibility. I wonder if Zeman Elementary teaches students about the use of the passive voice in English. The flyer “was sent home.” That happened.

The problem is minimized. ‘Twas unfortunate. Intentions were good, though! Confused? That’s on you – communicate if you have concerns.

I can see why they took it down. But I can’t see why they didn’t put up a better one.

Questioned by reporters, the school’s Director of Student Services at LPS said staff will visit the fifth grade to explain what happened and inform them about how to handle situations involving bullying.

“We’ve taken the action that we think we need to take and really use it as a learning experience,” said Russ Uhing. That might happen, since they’re getting buckets of feedback.

Because somebody tattled on them.