On Twitter yesterday, the Chief Marketing Officer of Equinox Gyms posted this:

This wittiness is tied to Equinox’s new campaign, all tied to the notion of “preapology.” 

(I would hyphenate “pre-apology,” but I am a lowly apology-watcher, not a CMO. Wait! Unless I am the CMO of ApologyWatch, which I might be. Sumac, let’s lady-wrestle for the title. I preapologize for kicking your demure west coast ass.)

Here is a taste of the campaign:

Way to sound like the bro-iest of workout emporia, Equinox.

Call me humorless, but don’t we already live in a world of individuals acting all faux-self-aware and faux-sorry about bad behavior? Now you want to take it to the next level and say you’re sorry in advance for your inevitable acting-like-an-entitled-schmuck-ness? Worse, the implication is that because you work out at Equinox and have a hot bod, you are entitled to this behavior. The world OWES YOU the right to scam off other people’s pools and throw bicycles in them and act like a general weenus. And in case we didn’t get the message of the photo and tagline, the tweets spell it out: “Don’t apologize for your actions this summer. #Preapologize and do it anyway.” (DO NOT GIVE THEM THE HASHTAG POTENCY DO NOT RETWEET I BEG YOU GIVE THIS TRACTION AT THE PERIL OF CIVILITY THANK YOU.)

OK, fine, I was was marginally amused by the quick back-and-forth between Seamless and Equinox:

“Brand banter.” We live in the end times.

In sum: I reject the notion of pre-apology. I pray that pre-apology is the new fetch. Do not snigger at the notion of doing bad, selfish things because you’ve faux-pologized in advance. It’s not cute. You are no Grace Hopper. It may be easier to ask forgiveness than permission, but it’s also douchier.

One small comfort: At least this campaign is better than the three earlier ones shot by Terry Richardson.

Preapology: At least it’s PostRichardson!

I postapologize for standing between your slender thighs and thrusting this camera in your face. It could be worse.

(Thanks for the tip, Ivan!)