Thanks to our Twitter followers for pointing us toward this one, from Trump’s New York campaign co-chair Carl Paladino. Last week Mr. Paladino wrote a letter to a local magazine saying that his New Year’s wish was for President Obama to die of mad cow disease “after being caught having relations with a Herford” [sic] and for Michelle Obama “to return to being a male and let loose in the outback of Zimbabwe where she lives comfortably in a cave with Maxie, the gorilla.”

A Hereford (not “Herford”) cow, a breed descended from the small red cattle of Roman Briton and from a large Welsh breed once numerous along the border of England and Wales. It is hardy and fast-growing, and is highly regarded for its tenderness, juiciness, flavor and palatability.

A gorilla. (Not “Maxie,” whose identity has not been established.)

Carl Paladino. He seems nice.

Paladino’s apology has to be read to be believed. Thank you to WBEN in Buffalo for printing it in its entirety. Behold, I shall annotate it. Paladino’s words are in italics; mine are in roman and bold.

I never intended to hurt the minority community who I spent years trying to help out of the cycle of poverty in our inner cities.  [Translation: You ungrateful wretches.] [PS to Carl, intentions are irrelevant; effects are what matter. Also, why are you beginning your “apology” with an “apology” to “the minority community,” instead of to the President and First Lady? To whom you should also be sending a personal letter of apology? Also, why restrict your apology to one group? Apologize to everyone! Venomous, racist, death-wishing speech hurts everyone!] To them I apologize. [Translation: Just to them. No one else. The rest of you suck.] I thought about them every day as I fought against unqualified and incompetent superintendents, administrators, teachers and School Board members, unfair union contracts, broken homes and children who can’t get the education they need to break that cycle of poverty because our school system is a failure, for reasons that needn’t be. [Translation: ME ME ME I RULE ME ME AWESOMENESS ME ME] I have shown those who chose not to watch but to enter the arena how to fight the demons. [Translation: Bite me, ye who sit on the sidelines.] Nevertheless, I won’t be judged by those timid souls who sit unbloodied in the gallery always prepared to criticize. [Was that not explicit enough? Let me be explicit-er.] Nor do I have any respect or regrets for the insane education activists who hover over and defend the dysfunction of the BPS. [PS to Carl: Were we talking about the Buffalo school system? I think we were talking about you wishing our president dead and saying our first lady should be fucked by a gorilla? No?]

I received your emailed survey at an emotional moment after I had just listened to Obama’s statement that he regretted the slaughter in Aleppo that, in fact, resulted from his failed and cowardly foreign policy, a policy to look the other way while innocent people were murdered and starved. [Translation: I was vulnerable and sad because of our president’s actions. So what I said is his fault. Also your fault for taking advantage of my vulnerability and sadness, local publication that had the temerity to publish the thing that I wrote and sent to you.]  I view Barak [sic] Obama as a traitor to American values. [This is what we in the apology biz call “doubling down.”] We don’t stand down and leave soldiers to die on a battlefield when we can send help. We don’t lie to the American people and the parents of our fallen to get re-elected.  [Wait what? How? What? When? Nouns and verbs, plz?] Obama has not led America to a better place by disregarding the rule of law and standing with his elitist brethren [Translation: Smart people! Jews!] as above the law nor has his wife Michele [sic] Obama who told our children and the world after the election that now “there is no hope for America.” [That is not what she said. Even Fox News does not say she said this.]

Your survey questions provided me with the spark to vent and write deprecating humor [Translation: IT WAS A JOKE, YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR] [PS to Carl: “self-deprecating” humor is a thing; “deprecating” humor is not a thing; you are perhaps looking for the adjective “cruel” or at best “unfunny.” You’re welcome.] about a bad President for whom the main stream [sic] media continues to seek an undeserved legacy. I wanted to say something as sarcastic and hurtful as possible [PS to Carl: Achievement unlocked! And thank you for your honesty! Better late than never!] about the people so responsible for the hurt and suffering of so many others. I was wired up, primed to be human [I’m just a man! Like Jesus!] and make [sic] a mistake. [Let him who is without sin…] I could not have made a worse choice in the words I used to express my feelings. [My feels are legit. My feels are truth. The problem is word choice, like when you say “stalagmite” and mean “stalactite.”]

It’s all too easy to make mistakes when you’re emotional about the rigged teachers’ contract by an incompetent Board of Education majority who sold out the school district as payback to teacher’s union leader Phil Rumore for his election support. [WUT] They couldn’t care less about the children of Buffalo. [Which has everything to do with why I said our First Lady should be fucked by a gorilla.] And I’m bewildered about the Supreme Court Judge who tried to dismiss a lawsuit to recover $450 million fleeced from the children of Buffalo by LP Ciminelli during the $1.4 billion schools building project. [Which is why I wished the President of the United States dead. Despite him not working in schools construction in Buffalo. I was confused by a dismissed lawsuit. It could happen to anyone.]

I publicly took responsibility for what I said and confirmed those were my answers, but believe it or not, I did not mean to send those answers to Artvoice. [Which had the TEMERITY to publish them! Even though I bravely and nobly took responsibility for them!] Not that it makes any difference because what I wrote was inappropriate under any circumstance. [Not that I’m excusing my behavior, even as I excuse my behavior.] I filled out the survey to send to a couple friends and forwarded it to them not realizing that I didn’t hit “forward” I hit “reply.” [Simple! Like that model in the locker room who meant to send the mean picture of the naked older lady to her friend but posted it to Snapchat! Technology is hard!]  All men make mistakes. [You know who else made mistakes? Jesus.]

What is horrible is explaining to my 17 year old daughter how her hero could be so stupid. [Translation: I am the victim here.]

What is horrible is watching my family and friends react to the rabid hordes of attacking parasites we now call activist progressives. [Translation: I am the victim here.]

It’s been a sick, combative year for America. We changed the direction of our country and beat back the demons for a few decades. I am proud to have been a part of the making of history. [Translation: I am a hero.]

As for the vanquished progressive haters out there spewing their venom at anything that is a reminder of their humiliating defeat, irrelevance is tough to chew on. [Nanny nanny boo boo, stick your head in doo-doo.]

For the mean spirited disoriented press trying to find grounding and recover legitimacy on my back, pray that you still have a job next year because you have lost all credibility with the people. [Lamestream media, lamestream media, lamestream media, Candyman Candyman Candyman] 

No, I’m not leaving the school board, not when it’s time to help implement the real choice elements of Trump’s plan for education reform.  [You need me. You just don’t know it.] I’ve spent years dedicated to the mission to defeat the thought that the liberal progressive elitist establishment can continue to hold our minority children captive in the cycle of poverty simply to provide their voting base. [Translation: I feel terrible for the poor victimized brainwashed black people manipulated by the people they inexplicably keep voting for.] I don’t intend to yield to the fanatics among my adversaries. [Forgive them, for they know not what they do.] I certainly am not a racist. [Oh yeah, gotta say that. Lemme slip it in at the end.]

Look, don’t poop out an insincere apology if you don’t think you have anything to apologize for. Don’t use an apology as an excuse for grandstanding and compounding your wrongness. If people are howling that you did something unforgivable, and you think you didn’t, say “you know what? I’m not sorry.” Stand by your words. Own them. Don’t use the framework and general apology-shaped form of a non-apology to attack still more people and bring up grudges. That’s not what Jesus would do.