This past Sunday’s New York Times has a shudder-inducing story about a teacher at Phillips Academy who inappropriately romanced one of his students.

Later, the teacher, Frederic Lyman, moved to Choate Rosemary Hall, where he was one of 12 former teachers found by investigators to have sexually abused young women. Lyman reportedly had sex with two teenagers in his car, gave them rum-spiked tea, gave at least one of them herpes, and stalked one of the girls and gave her a black eye.

One of Lyman’s former students at Phillips Academy, Jane Marion, gave the NYT five letters Lyman sent her after he was her summer session English teacher after her sophomore year. In the letters, he flatters, romances, and threatens her. You can read them at the Times, preferably while dousing yourself in Lysol.

cretin, 1980

Given the opportunity to respond, Lyman said in a statement:

In re-reading these letters nearly 40 years after writing them, I see the ramblings of a lovesick young man who was 27 years old at the time. However, my lapse in judgment was inexcusable. I breached the trust and overstepped the boundaries between student and teacher. Due to my own immaturity, I considered my students to be peers and friends, which was a mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life. I am deeply sorry for any pain or discomfort my actions may have caused.

Let’s enumerate the ways in which this is a lousy apology.

1. “nearly 40 years” — water under the bridge, my friends!
2. “ramblings” — idle meanderings! Signifying nothing!
3. “lovesick young man” — he was in love with her! and young! he and the young woman were peers! and he was sick! in a romantic way! like a poet! with a sickness that is not his fault, because sick!
4. “who was 27 years old at the time” — a tiny baby, a mere Lochte, a kid, unaccountable for his kiddish actions.
5. “However” — a word that does not belong in apologies. Like “obviously,” it should be banished from everyone’s apology vocabulary.
6. “immaturity” — he knew not what he do.
7. “peers and friends” — peers, because he was so young, remember? also, consider the connotations of “friend”: Warm, close, wholesome as a muffin.
8. “a mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life” — oh, Fred. Regret is not enough. Especially without responsibility, which you do not show the taking of. Besides, as we’ve noted, “regret” is about self, while “sorry” is about others.
9. “sorry for any pain or discomfort my actions may have caused” — “MAY”? There is no “may”; there is only DID. “Discomfort” is a minimizing word. A paper cut causes discomfort. Using the word “haunted” and developing depression and an eating disorder does not sound like “discomfort.” Also, what is “my actions”? Say what you did. The romance, the guilting of your victim, the threats. Maybe mention the repeated calls at 1am? Just a thought.

Vile. Just vile.