I’m thinking of doing a WikiHow.

How Not to Give A Press Conference Apologizing for Beating the Crap Out of Your Wife in a Hotel Elevator and Dragging her Unconscious Body Out of It As Captured by Security Footage: 

1. First, don’t start off by saying: “I want to first off apologize to [owner] Steve Bisciotti, [general manager and executive vice president] Ozzie Newsome and [head] coach [John] Harbaugh, and I also want to apologize to my fans, to the kids, to everyone who was affected by this situation that me and my wife were in.”

[This situation? You mean the situation in which you and your wife were indicted on a felony assault charge? Oh wait, no, that was just you. Also, when you’re launching with a list of who you want to apologize to, here’s a tip: Start off with the person whom you pounded into unconsciousness.]

2. Then, don’t say: “Throughout this time, we really had the time to reflect on each other. One thing [is] that we were blessed to work it out together. [Everybody] knows [no] relationship is perfect, but me and Janay together, what counseling has done for us – we want the world to see that it definitely did help us out…the job that I did was more than scoring touchdowns. It was getting out into the community. It was helping out. So, when all of you [saw] this come upon [us], this thing [that] happened with me and my wife, everybody questioned what happened.”

[He was a HELPER. Everyone KNEW IT. That’s why they questions this thing that CAME upon him and his wife, like a BIBLICAL THING, a thing that HAPPENED, like hail.]

3.  After that, don’t say: “My wife is here, and I just want to thank her for loving me where I was weak and building up where I was strong throughout this whole situation.”

[You did look really weak, the way you manhandled her prone body out of that elevator. Sounds really great for her, having the opportunity to build you up that way.]

4. Then, refrain from saying: “I want you to know that I’m still the Ray Rice that you know or used to know or grown to love. I’m still the same guy. As me and Janay wish we could take back 30 seconds of our life, we definitely sit here today and tell you that we are better parents, we are better lovers, and we are also better friends throughout the situation.”

[Touching. I’m sure she does wish to take back those 30 seconds of being caught on video, not that she remembers them, what with not being conscious for them.]

5. Finally, don’t encourage your wife to the microphone to say, “First, I want to say thank you to all of those who have supported us throughout this situation. I do deeply regret the role that I played in the incident that night.”

[Pro tip: Having your pummeled-into-submission wife take responsibility for any part of the pummeling is bad apology theater. And no one thinks this press conference is anything but apology theater.]

6. It’s a great idea to host super-sincere press conferences late on a Friday afternoon before Memorial Day. That way, if your apology is the most jaw-dropping thing since “I didn’t invent the culture, but I didn’t try to stop the culture, and that’s my mistake, and that’s what I have to be sorry for,” you give people a weekend and a whole extra day to be disgusted.

7. Try to suggest to your employer that they not tweet the most vile aspects of your so-called apology as if they think your heinous lack of remorse or responsibility is fabulous. As noted by Deadspin: [Maybe “knocked down” was a poor choice of words, Slugger. But it’s good to know your employer has your back about your wife being deserving of getting pounded into an insensate condition! Bros before hos!]

You can see the elevator footage, if you must, at Deadspin. You can read the press conference transcript at the Baltimore Sun.

Update, four months later: I’m sorry, what’s different? We have footage from inside the elevator (NOT LINKING, NOPE) instead of just footage of a woman’s body being dragged out of the elevator like a bag of dirty laundry? WHOO. But hey, OPTICS. Footage appears, and suddenly the Ravens are SHOCKED, SHOCKED that this occurred and let Rice go and suddenly the NFL bans him from the game.

The Ravens and the League both knew that a player beat his wife into unconsciousness in an elevator. It’s not a worse crime because we saw it on video. It’s not, like, Schroedinger’s cat. Rice never denied doing what he’s seen doing.

And don’t blame Janay. Distraction. BEATING SOMEONE UP IS THE CRIME.