Maybe headline writers are starting to catch on to the difference between apologies and hand-waving about “regrets.” With Donald Trump’s help.

Just starting to. Trump’s recent remarks about unspecified regrets for unspecified remarks were not headlined an apology by the New York Times, which titled a story on the speech, “Trump Steps Out of Character to Voice Unexplained Regrets.” Although the story did refer to it as a “display of contrition,” which – not really. No.

A Washington Post headline ran “Trump voices regret for causing ‘personal pain’.”

But ABC News stupidly went with “Trump Apologizes for Words on Campaign Trail, Says ‘I Will Never Lie to You.’”

And silly Fox News chose “The art of the apology: Trump issues uncharacteristic mea culpa.”

Newsweek still gets it wrong: “Donald Trump says he’s sorry.”

He did not say he’s sorry. He did not apologize. And most people weren’t fooled by the apology-scented air freshener.

Here’s what he said:

As you know, I’m not a politician.. [bragging about alleged business success omitted here] I’ve never wanted to learn the language of the insiders, and I’ve never wanted to be politically correct. It takes too much time. Truthfully, it takes far too much time and can often make it more difficult to achieve total victory!

Sometimes, in the heat of debate and speaking on a multitude of issues, you don’t choose the right words or you say the wrong thing. I have done that. [Laughter. Trump smirks, raises eyebrows, smirks more.] And believe it or not, I regret it. [Smirks.]

Regrettable personal pain.

And I do regret it, particularly where it may have caused personal pain. Too much is at stake for us to be consumed with these issues.

But one thing I can promise you is this: I will always tell you the truth.

That’s it.

Running down our apology checklist, we can see just how bad this is. He fails on the first count: He never says “sorry” or “apologize.” Just that old dodge “regret.” We have pointed out the emptiness of regret many times. You “regret” a thing? That doesn’t mean shit.

Sure enough, the next day reporter Tom Llamas asked him if that “was an apology,” and Trump replied, “They have to take it as they see it.” You know, sometimes folks will swallow a lie, sometimes they won’t.

He fails on the second count – naming what you did. He never says what he “regrets.” Does he regret attacking a judge as biased on the grounds of a Spanish surname? Maybe, maybe not. Does he regret saying Obama founded Isis? Maybe, maybe not. Does he regret mocking a disabled reporter’s movements, saying he saw thousands of Muslims celebrating the destruction of the Twin Towers, saying Mexican immigrants are rapists, hinting that a bereaved mother didn’t address the Democratic convention was because she wasn’t allowed to? Maybe. Maybe not.

Since he doesn’t say what he allegedly “regrets,” he can’t go to part three, acknowledging the effect, except for the mysterious allusion to “personal pain.” Whose pain? Pain over what? What are we supposed to make of that? It also fits into our bad apology checklist, in minimizing the offense (whatever it was). Oh, personal pain, boohoo. Nothing about degrading public discourse, racism, sexism, or slander.

Part four is explanation, in cases where it’s needed. That’s where he shines! He just couldn’t help saying whatever it was he regrets, because he was in SUCH A HURRY FOR TOTAL VICTORY. You’ll notice he prefaced all this with boasts about not being politically correct, and not speaking the “language of insiders.”

No. Wrong. “I’m sorry” is not the language of insiders. “I apologize” is not inside-the-Beltway code jargon. “I was wrong to speak about you that way” is not secret wonky egghead boffin talk. Snobs don’t own apology. ANYONE CAN SAY THOSE WORDS.

If they have a conscience.