The Onion does it again. (Or apparently the Onion did it two years ago but we missed it when it came out): Ways to Apologize Without Saying Sorry. 

It’s probably a coincidence that all these ways (spoiler alert: terrible) dovetail with our contention that a good apology needs to start with the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.”  That said, we might accept the “Here is $50,000.” And “Thank you for the opportunity to grow” is new to us, skin-crawlingly horrifying, and in need of inclusion on a Bad Apology Bingo card, stat. (Informative Caption is true: it really does “let people know that you are truly unbearable to be around”!)

Also, The Onion’s two-line observation about why “Forgive me” is not a good thing to say is more succinct and probably more effective than our eons of at-length explanation and hectoring about it:

Indeed. We know that a lot of teachers encourage kids to conclude an apology to a classmate with “Please forgive me” or “Will you accept my apology?” But we feel strongly that “I hope you’ll be able to forgive me” or “I’m going to work hard to try to earn your forgiveness” is way better. Asking for forgiveness is like asking for a gift. It’s rude. We don’t think kids should put their classmates on the spot like that, and we don’t think forgiveness is a quid-pro-quo after an apology. And um, we don’t want our children to make other children have to choose whether or not to be dicks.

In other news, check out this quick Yom Kippur-targeted primer on How to Teach Your Kids to Apologize. Spoiler alert: You have to apologize all year round. Snarly wrote this piece for PJ Library, a program modeled on Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library, that sends free books about Jewishness and Jewish values to kids all over the world. (Our book Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies has a list of great classic children’s books about apology; one of them, Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse by Kevin Henkes, is carried by PJ Library.

Some other PJ children’s books that aren’t mentioned in our book, but that Snarly also really likes, are: New Year at the Pier by April Halprin Wayland; Gershon’s Monster by Eric A. Kimmel; Sam & Charlie (and Sam Too) by Leslie Kimmelman; and Oh No, George! by Chris Haughton. The first three are explicitly Jewish; the last one is doggish.

For more thoughts on Yom Kippur and apologizing, check out our early posts on Maimonides. And Shana Tova to all who celebrate.

In 2013, Sumac visited Camp Playapology at Burning Man. Her account of the visit remains one of our most popular posts.

In 2019, Snarly went to Burning Man for the first time. Her spouse, Dr. Cheezie, was attending his 22nd Burn. (It’s a mixed marriage.) Of course she had to visit Camp Playapology.

As Sumac noted six years ago, Playapology exists to help Burners apologize. It was started by D-Stracted and MadKap (aka David and Matt) seven years ago. Its genesis: D-Stracted had previously been a lousy, lazy camp member at a different camp. Camp Playapology’s very first delivery was to D-Stracted’s earlier campmates.

In the camp’s own words, they’re “part playa florist, part relationship repair therapy, part social experiment on atonement.” So let’s say you’re in Black Rock City and you’ve done something you know caused pain to someone else. You can visit Playapology and go through their homemade selection of apology cards (or make your own — they offer art supplies), deliver the card yourself or ask Playapology volunteers to do it. You can even send wine or flowers (artificial ones — real flowers aren’t allowed because the petals create MOOP, which stands for Matter Out of Place, aka detritus that would sully this starkly beautiful place).

You can also request a singing Sorrygram, delivered via a state-of-the-art-ish boom box (below) with your choice of apology songs on individual thumb drives. For what it’s worth, Sorrywatch would not forgive anyone who sent us Justin Bieber.

This year the camp had around 22 participants. “It’s been bigger, but we like it small,” D-Stracted told Snarly. Campers are asked to put in one 3.5-hour shift; they rarely fail to show up. Which is somewhat unusual. Burners are not always reliable, as the choice of apology cards seems to indicate.

The camp hosts fun events throughout the week: A Sorry Soirée on the first Sunday night, A ¡Lo Siento Hora Feliz! on Tuesday with sangria and Latin music, and a huge Hail Bloody Mary Saturday event Snarly and Cheezie had just missed. Fortunately, while Snarly interviewed the Playapology founders, fellow campers plied Cheezie with a variety of flavored vodka shots. They had 34 kinds.

Playapology tends to attract mensches. Or at least, people who can be counted on. “An important thing is that we’re adults,” D-Stracted said. “We’re in our 30s and up. I’m 52 — I’m the oldest. We’re kind to each other and we don’t run out of Bloody Mary mix.” Lots of the campers are scientists and psychologists. “I’d guess we have more Ph.Ds in our camp than any other,” posited MadKap, a molecular biologist with his own lab. (D-Stracted, a TV writer and producer in Los Angeles, is the odd man out — among other credits, he helped create the show My Cat From Hell.) MadKap guesstimated that around 50% of the campers have doctorates, which impressed Dr. Cheezie. (Dr. Cheezie has a doctorate too, as do about 30% of the campers at his camp, Liminal Labs. Not that anyone is competitive.)

“We are a snark-free zone,” MadKap said. “This camp is sincere. Burning Man can be a snarky place, and we want to be a refuge from that. People often come by to say, ‘Hey, I came here three years ago and you saved my relationship,’ or ‘You saved my camp.'” As if on cue, a young woman biked up and said, “I just wanted to tell you guys this is my first Burn and you’re my favorite camp.”

You may also avail yourself of the services of a Conciliation Concierge. This helpful individual will talk to you about what you did wrong, ask questions, and help you determine a course of action. “We don’t deliver an apology if it’s better for them to do it themselves,” Concierge Sue told me. “But sometimes it’s better for us to do it if they don’t know how it will be received.” For instance, a drunk guy who had been rude to a bartender realized in the semi-sober light of day that he’d erred and wanted to apologize, but wasn’t sure the bartender would want to see him again. In this case, a third-party apology was a good choice.

The most frequent apology topics involve rudeness, murky consent issues, and irresponsibility. Are there any apologies Playapology refuses to deliver? “Cheating is something we’re careful with,” D-Stracted said. “Maybe you don’t really want a stranger coming into your camp with a singing telegram: ‘Sorry I fucked someone else!'” Instead, the Conciliation Concierge helps people figure out why they cheated; then they help them determine what to say to the wronged party. If the sinner just wants absolution but doesn’t really get what they did wrong and/or isn’t determined to amend their behavior, Playapology won’t aid and abet them.

Like SorryWatch, Playapology doesn’t believe in apologizing when you don’t mean it. They’re dead serious about it, whether the issue is infidelity or something less weighty. At the Bloody Mary party, for instance, guests are asked to share something from the previous week that they regret. If they answer sarcastically or flippantly, MadKap refuses to serve them. (And if they’re truly regretful, they can choose to be paddled or flogged. If they want! Consent is key!)

Snarly asked MadKap why he was interested in co-creating the camp. Partially he was interested in building the infrastructure (he’s handier than D-Stracted; the camp has a cool, efficient modular structure). But he was also interested in the impact of apologies. “People have so much trouble with them,” he reflected. “But when you own your part it’s really powerful. It’s hard to own your own guilt.” Sometimes, though, you just have to sit with the discomfort. “You shouldn’t apologize if you’re going to cause more pain,” he said. “Maybe the best thing for you is to feel guilty and not expect to be absolved.”

One of the 10 Principles of Burning Man is gifting. “The value of a gift is unconditional,”  says of the event’s web site. “Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value.” That’s true for apologies, too. You don’t apologize because you want an apology in return. You don’t demand to be forgiven.

MadKap gave Snarly a gift — a little muslin bag with steampunk-y trimmings.

Inside she found two sets of earplugs in cute little containers and two bright plastic blinky lights. There was also a note, reading in part: “One item in each pair is meant for you, and the other is for you to re-gift to anyone you’d like, friend or stranger.”

Like apologies, small gifts often have wider repercussions. And like apologies, unexpected kindnesses help create a world we want to live in…and not only for one week in the desert with no pants on.

It’s Amber Ruffin on Late Night with Seth Meyers, apologizing like a sexual harasser!

To be fair, of course, we don’t know for sure that Seth didn’t ask Amber Ruffin to punch him in the face. And also to be fair, we haven’t heard from the many, many men Amber Ruffin did not punch in the face. Plus it is a known fact that my cat is male and Amber Ruffin did not punch him in the face. Just because my cat is incapable of human speech, does that make his experience of not being punched in the face by Amber Ruffin less valid?

Also, look at what Seth is wearing. I’m not saying he deserves to be punched, but Martin Shkreli has been known to wear a suit. Just as a data point, I’m only saying.

Also, we apologize for this being from December and us not posting it until now. We’re not saying we didn’t know it existed but we didn’t know it existed.

 

OUR LONG NATIONAL APOLOGY NIGHTMARE IS OVER. (Of course it isn’t but JUST GIVE ME THIS.)

Comedian Paul Scheer — you know his face even if you’re “buh?” on his name — is one of those Upright Citizens Brigade (UCB) guys who’s guest-starred in everything: The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Veep, Fresh Off the Boat, Parks and Rec, Party Down, Funny Or Die, Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp and Ten Years Later, Drunk History (Carl Sagan!) and he was the voice of the rhino in Kung Fu Panda. Also he was in The Disaster Artist, so maybe if he has James Franco’s number he can call and give him some pointers for the (probably shitty) apology we know is coming.

ANYHOO. Scheer’s mea culpa. On Twitter. Is superb. The thread starts here:

Right off the bat, he takes care of two of our essential elements of apology: He said the thing he did, without obfuscating or eliding or making excuses, and he started making reparations.

A tweet later, he names the author he’s insulted, shows that he’s done some research, and says that instead of reading the book he saw in the bookstore and mocked (this one), he’ll read the first book in the series (this one). HE THEN TWEETS A PICTURE OF THE KINDLE RECEIPT SO WE’LL KNOW HE BOUGHT IT, DAWWW.

I’m plotzing. He keeps live-tweeting, telling us who he’s cast in the movie of the book in his head.

In a well-written romance it is super-gratifying when the eggplant meets the donut.

The author of Score and Slammed checks in!

 And here — like a perfect slap shot or orgasm — comes the epic conclusion:

That was amazing. I need a drink. (After I dispose of the metaphorical condom of apology analysis): He does ALL THE THINGS: Apologizes. Names the thing he did. Acknowledges the effect. Makes things right with the person/community he hurt. I’d argue that READING THE BOOK and live-tweeting it and modeling good Twitter behavior when you’re wrong about something is more than enough reparative justice. (Bonus that he loved it — I’m tickled that he demanded to know when another character was going to get her own book, a thing that actual regular romance readers do constantly.)

Compare this response to that of the New York Times Book Review (which, full disclosure, I write for, though not about romance), when it ran a profoundly offensive, snarky, ill-informed front-page review of a passel of romance novels by a famous literary old white man, then responded to romance readers objections with a condescending, sniffy, #sorrynotsorry “we don’t let FANS review BOOKS” that willfully failed to address letter-writers’ reasonable complaints of racism, sexism, and plain ol’ factual wrongness in the piece.

So yay! Paul Scheer!

 

A post shared by Paul Scheer (@paulscheer) on Jan 9, 2018 at 1:53pm PST

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One reason so many apologies are terrible is that apologizing well is HARD.

Look how excruciatingly awkward John’s apology to Karen is. Karen was right to be angry when John impugned her fishing and swimming. Bravo to John for apologizing in person, and for giving Karen the opportunity to close the door in his face. Less good, however, is John’s failure to say up front what it is he is apologizing for. (Good for Karen, letting him squirm like that and not leaping in to fill the conversational silences. DRAG HIM, KAREN.) He eventually does get the words out, but it takes a while, and naming your sin is an important part of good apologies.

If John had thought ahead about what he planned to say, and rehearsed in front of a mirror, this could have been far less awkward. He could have demonstrated that he understood just HOW he knows that she is a good hunter and swimmer (by pointing out, say, that penguins can hold their breath for six minutes underwater, while polar bears can only do so for two minutes, or he could have noted how effectively her supraorbital gland filters saltwater from her bloodstream as she fishes, or he could have indicated that he is totally jazzed by the series of spines pointing down her throat that allow her to ingest krill without chewing). Instead he stammers out that she’s good at catching “little fishes” and says that her hunting isn’t really important to him, which is kind of condescending?

But you know what? It doesn’t matter what I think. It matters what Karen thinks, and Karen is willing to forgive and go to the movies with him on Saturday, so you go girl. (It matters what other people think if John broke the law — if he was abusing Karen, or if Karen were an underage penguin —  in which case her forgiveness could be noted in criminal proceedings but is not the final word. But it sounds more like he was a boorish bearish dick, maybe trying to act like a big macher in front of the other wildlife at the bar.)

I am hopeful. I want those two crazy kids to be happy together. But KAREN, if he insults you again, you kick his vanilla ass to the curb and go clubbing like a baby seal.

Also, I hate to be a wet glacier, but I do have to say that I am unsure about the long-term prospects for this relationship, what with Karen living in the Antarctic and John living in the Arctic. But stranger things have happened! I’m a New Yorker who dated a San Francisco raver for much of the ’90s and now we have two children so I AM ROOTING FOR YOU, JOHN AND KAREN!

Hat tip to Friend of SorryWatch Aviva W. for the heads up.

Editor’s Note, 11/26: An earlier version of this story stated incorrectly that Karen lives in the Arctic and John lives in the Antarctic. SorryWatch regrets the error. DAMMIT.

Last year, SorryWatch approvingly noted that actor Chris Hemsworth made a good apology for insensitive behavior. It turns out that his character Thor is also a good apologizer! In a deleted scene from the first Thor movie in 2011, we learn that during the Asgardian god’s time on earth, he grows from imperious musclebound war-prince to sensitive dude who has learned to apologize.

Remember this diner scene?

Later in the movie, Thor helps his friend Jane make breakfast for her colleagues and refrains from hurling drinking receptacles. Go, Thor. But he goes further: In a scene left on the cutting room floor, he shows us that he regrets the crockery-shattering public outburst earlier in the film and wants to make amends.

What has Thor done right, apology fans?

He says “excuse me,” indicating he knows he’s interrupting Isabel’s work. He uses her name, which shows he’s paid attention. He tries to make amends and offer reparations (new cup). He is sincere, but he does not waste Isabel’s time or emotional energy; he does what has to be done and gets out of Dodge.

A very minor quibble: Ordinarily SorryWatch prefers “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” to “Please forgive me.” The “I” construction shows that the speaker recognizes their own fault, while “please forgive me” puts too much onus on the listener. The listener is the one who is owed something; the person who is apologizing should not be asking for a boon. Forgiveness is a gift. The person acknowledging that they’re in the wrong should not be asking for a gift at the same time that they’re supposed to be genuflecting. Right?

HOWEVER. Thor is not of our earth. He is still learning to speak in a less formal Midgardian manner. Dude is a god; he’s not accustomed to being a supplicant. We’ll let his phrasing go, because for Thor, saying “Please forgive me for my behavior” is a LOT. Our buff blond hammer-wielding pal has clearly come a long way. It should be possible for mere mortals, too.

 

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You recall our post-Lance-Armstrong game of Bad Apology Bingo? Welp, in the wake of a recent raft of crap apologies from venture capitalists, comedians, beauty bloggers and Aussie media outlets, LET’S PLAY AGAIN!

 

 

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Flawless. Oscar Munoz, are your ears burning?

Read the rest here.

Well, I never thought I’d type THOSE particular words in that particular order.

But the duo, who have a column in the New York Daily News, weighed in this week on the feud between Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. The one I did not know existed. AND THE DAYTIME LADIES THREW BACK WISDOM LIKE COCKTAILS. It is unclear even to people who are not me exactly what TayTay and The Barec**t are fighting about, but EVERYONE KNOWS they are EMBROILED in DRAMA. Then THIS OCCURRED:

OOH. WHAT CAN IT MEAN?? Whatever it means, Kathie Lee and Hoda riffed on it. (Attention, media barons: Sumac and I would accept a column in which we jabber in half-formed sentences at one another and a minion records it and puts it in the newspaper and gives us money.) Feel free to click over to the Daily News and read their dialogue, but here’s the SorryWatch money quote:

Hoda: It doesn’t matter, you can just say you’re sorry. You might not have meant something a certain way, but if someone took it another way, it’s easy to say, “Look, I’m sorry.” Not, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings,” just simple, “I’m sorry.” That’s it. And then you’re free. Why do you want to lug it around?

Kathie Lee: The dumbest line in any movie, of all time is: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” from “Love Story.” Dumbest line ever. Love really means having to say you’re sorry over and over again for the rest of your life, because we’re human and we are going let people down and disappoint them. And we should be sorry when we do.

They are BOTH CORRECT.

Hoda (spellcheck, please stop trying to change that to “Yoda”) is right: If someone says they’re hurt by something you said, and you didn’t MEAN IT LIKE THAT JEEZ, you can still apologize. Your choice. Yes, you can stew instead about being WRONGLY MALIGNED. But if you’re able to, why not simply say you’re sorry?

Hoda is ALSO RIGHT that if you take the option to apologize, you should do it right. Which means not throwing in caveats and clarifications. It’s “I’m sorry,” not “I’m sorry you were offended.” She’s right that even “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” is not as good as “I’m sorry,” because the subtle implication there is that their feelings are delicate wilt-y flowers not strong enough to withstand the breeze of normal human interaction. I’d suggest that a longer version of “I’m sorry” is good when the additional words are about the thing you did wrong, not about what the other person felt. So, “I’m sorry I stole your backup dancer” or “I’m sorry I burst into laughter at the size of your exhibitionist boyfriend’s vacation wiener” — those express more ownership of wrongdoing than “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” But of course, if you feel you did nothing wrong, and you just want to move on, you can just say “I’m sorry.” (Don’t ever say “Let’s move on.” Not your call to make.) And flowers, a bottle of chardonnay (if you’re Kathie Lee and/or Hoda, especially) or a handwritten letter on nice stationery expressing how much the other person’s friendship means to you will not go amiss either.

Kathie Lee is right that “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” is a DUMB LINE. It is a ’70s relic that should be abandoned along with tanning oil, the NYC crime rate, the AMC Gremlin, smoking while pregnant and Rick Dees.

What does it even mean? That if you love someone you won’t do anything that warrants apologizing for? (Dumb.) Or that if you love someone, you won’t need to apologize because they will automatically and instantaneously forgive you because that is what love means? (Dumberer.) Nicely said, Kathie Lee. To err is human; to apologize, divine.

 

1. I don’t give a fuck
2. Suck on my balls
3. I ain’t thinking ’bout you
4. Middle fingers up, put them hands high
5. Wave it in his face, tell him, boy, bye
6. Sorry, I ain’t sorry
7. No no, hell nah

8-14:
Now you want to say you’re sorry
Now you want to call me crying
Now you gotta see me wilding
Now I’m the one that’s lying
And I don’t feel bad about it
It’s exactly what you get
Stop interrupting my grinding

Lyrics via Genius.