We mostly talk about apologies here; just for kicks, let’s take a quick detour into forgiveness.

The web site My Jewish Learning (Snarly is a fan) has been emailing readers a series of essays called “Explore Forgiveness.” It’s a project designed to help folks prepare for Yom Kippur — the most somber day in the Jewish calendar, devoted to collective penitence and prayer –“through contemporary examinations of the role of forgiveness in our lives.” Helpful! Here are some of my favorite snippets published so far. (You should read the whole collection.)

Do you have to forgive someone who has wronged you? “Atonement, in Jewish tradition, requires accountability. While we are obligated to forgive the perpetrator who has apologized and started the hard work of behavioral change, when those two elements are not present, we have no obligation to forgive.” From: Must We Forgive Someone Who Hasn’t Made Amends?”  by Rabbi Sari Laufer.

How can self-inventory help us apologize better? “Seeking forgiveness from another person demands that we turn inward, determine which of our behaviors were hurtful, and strategize how we might alter them. Once we have asked for forgiveness from the person we wronged, we must forgive ourselves. Such personal scrutiny is known as a cheshbon hanefesh. How fortunate we are to have the annual gift that these Days of Repentance offer us. We have the opportunity to approach those whom we have wronged, specify those actions which we believe have caused pain and ask for forgiveness. Then, and only then, we should speak these words of remorse. This is the essence of what atoning is all about. From “After ‘I’m Sorry,’ the Real Work Begins,” by Rabbi Rebecca Einstein Schorr.

How do we balance justice and mercy when it comes to forgiveness?  “The willingness to temper your own outrage and anger out of respect for the other has another implication: By focusing on the offender as a human being, you create the emotional conditions necessary for that person to take full responsibility and to make appropriate amends. It therefore increases the likelihood of both forgiveness (mercy) and some kind of reparations (justice).”From “How to Forgive Is As Important as When to Forgive,” by Julie Hirschfeld, Ph.D.

D0 we have to forgive gaslighters and manipulators? “The rabbinic literature offers us some guidance on the pitfalls of forgiveness. According to the Mishnah, ‘One who says, ‘I will sin, and then repent, I will sin and then repent,’ — does not have what it takes to repent. One who says: ‘I will sin, and Yom Kippur will erase it,’ Yom Kippur will not erase it. Yom Kippur erases transgression a person commits against God, but [Yom Kippur does not erase] transgression against another person…until [the transgressor] makes things right with [the victim].’ Forgiveness can make a lot of things possible — and not all of those things are good. The possibility of forgiveness is not intended as a way to allow people to manipulate the system and harm others with impunity. Forgiveness can erase many things, but it can’t erase the need for all conflicts. Sometimes, taking the side of the oppressed means withholding forgiveness from an oppressor.” From “Forgiveness is Not Always a Virtue,” by Rabbi Ruti Regan.

Yom Kippur this year starts the evening of October 8. Happy New Year to all who celebrate…fast well (if you’re fasting), and take care of yourself, everyone.

Writer/editor Liz Galst shared this wee teaching with Congregation Beit Simchat Torah in NYC and kindly gave us permission to post on SorryWatch. It seemed…relevant. Take it away, Liz!

AAAAAAAHHHH SNAKE!

3) Taking stock and observing oneself, as the mindfulness meditation teachers teach us, is indeed often the first step toward getting in closer touch with the miracles and letting that crabbiness, along with the legitimate and deep misery, go.

 

[Editor’s note: Yup. We’re in the wilderness, with a long road ahead of us. Facing our own demons — we all need to look inside ourselves honestly and seek forgiveness and repentance — in one way or another — to be able to move forward.]

 

This Indian Spectacled Cobra loves you and believes in you.

Belated Martin Luther King Jr. Day 2019 good wishes from SorryWatch!

Perhaps you’ve seen the video going around social media (and written about in Saturday’s New York Post  and Daily News) depicting three white female students at Brooklyn’s elite Poly Prep Country Day School wearing blackface, jumping around giggling, and making monkey noises. (SorryWatch sees no need to share the video here. It is what it sounds like.) This is the second example of privileged white teens doing blackface in the news this week — hiya, Covington Catholic! — and it’s only Tuesday.

There’s a good opportunity for apology-pondering here. 

Poly Prep’s Black Student affinity group, Umoja (the name refers to the Swahili word for unity) wrote a letter to the school community, published on Friday in the school newspaper and read aloud at the day’s Martin Luther King Jr. assembly. The apology-related requests made by the Umoja students are not only reasonable, but also a blueprint for how people who’ve done wrong should apologize.

The two letter-writers, both seniors, noted that the video wasn’t an isolated incident, but an indication of a larger problematic climate at Poly. Credence is lent to this notion by one response from Poly Prep leadership: “We do not tolerate racism or prejudice in our school or in our communities. We took immediate action as soon as we learned of a highly offensive video, taken years ago, being circulated on our campus.” (Nope. The incident happened two years ago, not waaaay back in the mists of time, the way the phrase “years ago” makes it sound. The two students who are still at the school were never actually disciplined. So this sure does sound as though racism and prejudice have been tolerated pretty well! Let’s see if bad publicity has any impact. The principal of Poly Prep has promised to meet with Umoja reps tomorrow.)

Please read the students’ letter here. We’ll come back to it.

Turning from Brooklyn westward, it seemed at first as though there might be a meaningful apology for the behavior of Covington Catholic students in Washington DC this weekend. (Just for the taunting of Native activist Nathan Phillips. Not for the blackface. Jeez, SorryWatch is so demanding.) On Sunday the school and diocese apologized in a joint statement to the media and in a pop-up message on the school web site. Which has since been taken down. Both the message and the web site (as of Tuesday). Here’s the statement for posterity (yay, shift-command-4):

Alas, in the wake of right-wing responses to the boys’ actions (they were PROVOKED by a loud and unpleasant member of a DIFFERENT minority group! they were only attempting to defuse tensions! they are victims! THE LIBERAL RUSH TO JUDGMENT!), the school issued a new statement to parents, this one without that unpleasant word “expulsion”:

The incident that took place at the March for Life in Washington, D.C. is being fully investigated by an independent third-party investigator. Based upon and following an investigation, we will be taking the appropriate action regarding this matter.

The statement goes on to ask that families report any threats to the police, and concludes, “Please continue to pray for our community.” School was closed today, what with people being desirous of screaming at the students and faculty. (Here’s a thought. Not to engage in “what-about-ism” and/or “both-sides-ism” or anything, but how about we all refrain from screaming and threatening?)

The boys insist that they did nothing wrong. The diocese issued another statement today: “This is a very serious matter that has already permanently altered the lives of many people,” it said. “It is important for us to gather the facts that will allow us to determine what corrective actions, if any, are appropriate.”

Here’s another thought, issued with not a ton of hopefulness: Both the Covington adults and the Poly Prep adults would do well to ponder the demands of the Poly Prep Umoja members. They are “only kids,” but their list shows that they understand what constitutes a meaningful apology. Here’s what they asked for:

— For the administration, faculty, and student body to view the situation as what it is: the most recent in a series of racist and intolerable acts that have alienated a large portion of Poly’s community rather than as an isolated event.

— For a public apology from the girls who participated in the video and the making thereof.

— For acknowledgment that the school has not taken steps to protect students of color in this latest episode

— For an email sent out to parents, students, and alumni clearly addressing the content of the video (specifying that it was blackface) as well as what steps are being taken to ensure that incidents like this do not happen again.

— For the implementation of a required civics/ethics/empathy course(s).

— For more faculty of color to help and support us.

— For a new section of the Poly Code of Conduct which specifically addresses hateful actions and hateful speech, whether it takes place on or off campus.

— For a greater emphasis and employment of our zero-tolerance policy.

— For equal repercussions for all students that violate policy and no statute of limitations for those violations.

Why is this list good? It ticks all of SorryWatch’s good-apology boxes: The words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize”; a statement of exactly what the apology is for (not “the incident” or “what was depicted in a video shared on social media”); an acknowledgment of the harm done; reparations; and a list of concrete steps that will be taken to ensure that similar problems won’t recur.

Fingers crossed — but not a lot of optimism felt — for teachable moments in Brooklyn, and in DC, and in Kentucky.

The Washington Post wrote “McCarrick expressed an apology to the alleged victim Wednesday, though he says he is innocent.”

That cassock’s so baggy. It doesn’t do you justice.

The person they’re talking about is Cardinal Theodore McCarrick. Who told some seminary students to call him “Uncle Ted”. Removed from the ministry June 21st due to charges of sexual misconduct the church found credible. The only U.S cardinal to be accused of sexual assault – against adults and against a teenager.

The charges concerning the teenager are what brought this matter to a point where it couldn’t be ignored. They are about events that began in 1971, when a 16-year-old was picked to be an altar server at a Christmas service. McCarrick, then a mere monsignor, is alleged to have measured the boy for a cassock. Then he put his hands in the kid’s pants. When the boy drew back, McCarrick said “Let’s just not tell anybody about this.”

A year later, Christmas service again, hands in underwear again. The kid pushed McCarrick off. The kid changed his mind about becoming a priest, for some reason.

The erstwhile teen didn’t tell anyone about this until, in 2016, the archdiocese created an Independent Reconciliation and Mediation Program. When he came forward, the review board found the charges credible.

Now I think it’s too tight. Does it grab you right here?

We don’t know if they took into account other cases against McCarrick, involving adults, two of which led to settlements. According to Julia Duin, formerly religion editor at the Washington Times, “Allegations about the cardinal have been floating about the Internet, and in religion-news circles, for way more than a decade regarding much heavier stuff than a 47-year old incident.” (Duin’s mad her editors wouldn’t let her chase the story.) She gives links with details. We’ll just say that seminary students said they dreaded invitations to “Uncle Ted’s beach house. They would hurry to claim a bed, because “the odd one out would have to share a bed with the archbishop.” Who did not stay on his side of the bed. Yeah, there were settlements.

At the time McCarrick was kicked out he was 87 and retired, but active in the church, traveling around the world to confer on nuclear disarmament, religious freedom, and social justice issues. He was popular and respected, and before retirement, he helped develop… the church’s standards for handling sexual abuse by clergy.

So is this like Cardinal Fox straightening out problems at the henhouse?*

What about that apology the Washington Post says he “expressed”? They’re talking about the passage in this statement where the word “sorry” appears:

Some months ago, I was advised by the Archbishop of New York, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, that an allegation of sexual abuse of a teenager from almost fifty-years ago had been made against me. At that time I was a priest of the Archdiocese of New York.

While shocked by the report, and while maintaining my innocence, I considered it essential that the charges be reported to the police, thoroughly investigated by an independent agency, and given to the Review Board of the Archdiocese of New York. I fully cooperated in the process.

My sadness was deepened when I was informed that the allegations had been determined credible and substantiated.

In obedience, I accept the decision of The Holy See, that I no longer exercise any public ministry….

While I have absolutely no recollection of this reported abuse, and believe in my innocence, I am sorry for the pain the person who brought the charges has gone through, as well as for the scandal such charges cause our people.

That is not an apology, Washington Post. He says he doesn’t remember any such thing, and believes “in my innocence” – that no such thing happened. He doesn’t say he is sorry for anything he did, he says he is SORRY FOR the pain of the person making the charges. That pitiful anguished liar. Also for “our people.” Notice there’s no reference to the other cases, including those which led to settlements. Maybe instead of saying he “expressed an apology to the alleged victim,” you could say he “used the word sorry in a meaningless, free-floating way.”

Why don’t you just take that silly cassock off and let me have a look?

“Sorry for” is a frequent dodge of people trying to avoid responsibility. I’m sorry for your pain, I’m sorry for the way you feel, I’m sorry for you that you can’t see the humor in this, I’m sorry for your inability to recognize my transcendent innocence, oh how I pity the fool.

It’s not an apology. Since the Post isn’t as focused on apology analysis as we are, they don’t necessarily have to break it down, but we think saying it’s an apology is inaccurate reporting.

UPDATE: On February 16, 2019, the Pope announced that McCarrick had been defrocked.

(*After I, Sumac, had asked the question “So, is this like Cardinal Fox straightening out problems at the henhouse?” I heard Harry Shearer on the brilliant Le Show ask the question “Fox, henhouse, anyone?” in a segment about Cardinal McCarrick on “News of the Godly.” Shoot. Shearer did the same joke, much shorter. What to do? Learn, I guess. Or just update it, yeah. Forget the henhouse. It’s like putting Scott Pruitt in charge of the EPA.)

Last week, leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints had a meeting with leaders of the NAACP. Joyful word spread like wildfire on social media: The Church had apologized for its history of racism!

Alas, it wasn’t true. Someone had set up a fake web site that looked very much like the real Mormon Church’s PR web site. The real site is at www.mormonnewsroom.org; the fake site is at www.mormon-newsroom.org. So much hurt caused (inadvertently?) by that little hyphen. Let’s discuss.

As you probably know, the Mormon Church has a checkered history with people of color. To wit, for many years the Church did not let black people serve as priests, discouraged interracial marriage, taught that dark skin and slavery were the curse of Cain for killing Abel, supported religious segregation, and allowed Joseph Smith to keep a slave. The Church called itself to account in 1978, when it welcomed black people to Temple Blessings and the priesthood. But it did not fully embrace responsibility for its history of racism. (I am reminded of The Book of Mormon, in which lily-white Elder Price proudly sings to an African warlord: “I believe that Satan has a hold of you/I believe that the Lord God has sent me here/And I believe that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people!” Uh, thanks?)

Let’s discuss the fake apology, what REALLY happened, the fallout, and why my own initial response to the fake apology was wrongheaded and insensitive.

Angel Moroni statue atop Birmingham, Alabama temple, by Matthew B. Brown

The statement on mormon-newsroom (which is still up as I type this), purporting to be from LDS Church President Russell M. Nelson, read in part:

Today, as Prophet, Seer and Revelator, and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I offer a full unqualified apology for the error of racism which was taught from this office and in the tabernacle and over the pulpits of our churches the world over. I am joined by my counselors in the First Presidency and the full Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in making this apology and we collectively bear witness and testimony of the devastating effects of racism which were perpetuated by leaders of the church in the past.

Institutionally in the past, we taught false and hurtful ideas about curses, skin color, and spiritual worthiness, and we were wrong. We taught false notions of white supremacy in civil and religious life, heinous ideas of pure white blood, and erroneously condemned interracial marriage, and we were wrong. We took it upon ourselves to interpret scripture to justify these false ideas and closed our hearts and minds to the truth of God’s love even when it could be found in God’s written word, ancient and revealed, and we were wrong. We hardened our hearts to the plain and simple truth of Universal Brotherhood and equality of all before God, and we were wrong.

We withheld from our brothers and sisters the joys of Temple service, the security of an eternal family, the peace of hope for full exaltation, complete fellowship among the saints and the duty and blessing of the Priesthood, and we were wrong. We operated in the political sphere and used our influence to fight against civil rights when we should have been on the front lines in defense of those rights, and we were wrong. We reproved good men and women whose hearts were enlightened and whose voices were raised to God for equality, and we were wrong.

We have previously acknowledged that the false and racist explanations for the Priesthood and Temple restriction were wrong and disavowed them. Today, I am declaring that the ban itself was wrong. It was not of God but of fallible men, born of ignorance, pride and sin.

We stand humbly before our God and the world this day to prostrate our souls and beg forgiveness. With the mantle of authority also comes accountability. Though we did not originate these teachings and policies, we cannot deny accountability for their harm. Many of us were living and secure in our places of Priesthood privilege during those days and did not speak out against their falsehood when it was our duty, and each of us now feels the weight of institutional responsibility for those affronts to God’s precious children.

Wow, right? As good an apology as one could wish. It goes on to say that the apology is not just for past interpretation of Mormon texts, but also for the texts themselves. “[T]here are false racist ideas which have been enshrined in our canonized scripture,” fake-Nelson continued. “This is not as surprising as you might imagine — in the very title page the Prophet Moroni himself states that the Book of Mormon may contain errors which are ‘the mistakes of men’ and this is true of any scripture.” Fake-Nelson says he’s forming a Scriptural Committee on Race, consisting of Mormon authorities and both Mormon and non-Mormon academics. It will discuss the faults in scripture; consult with sociologists, theologists, and experts in race relations; and make recommendations for addressing racism in Mormon texts, which could lead to “footnotes, updated headers, additional explanatory text or even full removal of offending passages.”

Angel Moroni statue atop Salt Lake City Temple, by Simon Phipps

The not-actually-the-LDS-Church concludes:

True repentance requires a deep introspection and thorough understanding of the degree of the offense. Though it may sometimes be painful, it carries a hope for a brighter future free from the mistakes of the past. Though we have been chastened of the Lord, we are hopeful for “whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth.”

It is my prayer that we all examine our hearts and root out those aspects of ourselves which may have been shaped by the racism of our past. As leaders and as members we must constantly guard against these biases. The strongest ally we have in this endeavor is Christ. He set the example of unconditional love and charity. If we measure our hearts against that standard and always strive to meet it, changing where we must even though it may be difficult – then we can stay on the path of discipleship and grow in faith and love for all of God’s children.

On behalf of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, its current and past leaders and members, I offer this humble apology and plead for forgiveness in the merciful name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

It really is astounding. It’s everything SorryWatch asks for in an apology: It names the sin, takes ownership, explicitly uses the word “sorry” or “apologize” (rather than “regret”), acknowledges the effect, explains the steps being taken so that the offense won’t happen again, and tries to make amends. Many Mormons, of all backgrounds, rejoiced.

Angel Moroni statue atop Reno, NV temple

Unfortunately, it was a lie. In reality, the statement said only:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints continues to affirm its fundamental doctrine—and our heartfelt conviction—that all people are God’s precious children and therefore our brothers and sisters. Nearly a quarter century ago, the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles proclaimed that “All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.”

Today, in unity with such capable and impressive leaders as the national officials of the NAACP, we are impressed to call on people of this nation and, indeed, the entire world to demonstrate greater civility, racial and ethnic harmony and mutual respect. In meetings this morning, we have begun to explore ways—such as education and humanitarian service—in which our respective members and others can serve and move forward together, lifting our brothers and sisters who need our help, just as the Savior, Jesus Christ, would do. These are His words: “I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (Doctrine and Covenants 38:27).

Together we invite all people, organizations and governmental units to work with greater civility, eliminating prejudice of all kinds and focusing more on the many areas and interests that we all have in common. As we lead our people to work cooperatively, we will all achieve the respect, regard and blessings that God seeks for all of His children. Thank you very much.

That is so not an apology. NAACP President and CEO Derrick Johnson responded, “We admire and share your optimism that all peoples can work together in harmony and should collaborate more on areas of common interest. Thank you.” He also praised the Mormon Church’s “good faith efforts to bless not only its members, but people throughout the United States and, indeed, the world,” and added, “I am proud to stand here today to open up a dialog to seek ways of common interest to work towards a higher purpose.”

When the site was revealed to be fake, I immediately wanted to track down its creator and find out why they wrote it. The person clearly knew Mormonism well. Were they a lapsed Mormon? A Mormon who wanted honest self-analysis from Church leadership? An online friend, the Hugo-award-winning sci-fi author Naomi Kritzer, pointed me at the whois data for the fake site. It too was fake. (Naomi pointed out that if the creator was currently a Mormon, they could be excommunicated, which could account for seeking anonymity.) The phone number was for a lighting store in Toronto. The man who answered listened to my “I would love to talk to you about apology” pitch, coughed, and said, “This is a lighting store? In Toronto? But I hope you find what you’re looking for?” which proves that Canadians are the nicest.

Angel Moroni atop Preston England Temple, Chorley, UK

I then tried emailing the creator through their anonymizer email but got no response. The entire time I was thinking about my own relationship to my own religion, Judaism, and how complex that relationship is. The Torah and Talmud are steeped in patriarchy. Much of my life has been spent wrestling with aspects of Judaism that distress me, trying to separate tradition from text and dogma from ongoing revelation and dynamism. And of course, religion and politics are hard to extricate. Judaism has many flavors, without a central authority or (in my non-Orthodox world) the power to excommunicate me, and Jews can dismiss all kinds of Torah prohibitions and still be Jews, and much of our relationship to Jewishness is in food and music and literature, and, y’know, it’s DIFFERENT for Jews. I looked at the Mormon fake-apology through a Jewish lens. And I didn’t think about what that fake apology could mean to people who desperately wanted it to be real.

A Harvard PhD student studying religion, black/Haitian identity, anthropology, and contemporary Mormonism tweeted her anger, hurt and sorrow. “What this person didn’t take into account is that real people are invested in this,” Janina wrote. She continued, “There are black members who’ve been wanting them to say this for DECADES. So your brilliant plan was to throw black folks’ emotions under the bus to MAYBE get the Church to react? That is some white savior BS.”

“I knew it was fake because it seemed too good to be true.” Well, it must be nice to not be so emotionally involved.

I should’ve checked the link. But I got excited. Too excited. I study race and Mormonism because intellectually, socially, and spiritually, it means a lot to me.

— Janan (@jananamirah) May 17, 2018

So an announcement like that doesn’t just impact my methodology, it changes the way I think about this stuff on a spiritual level. I’ve spoken to black folks in tears because they thought it was real as well. Whoever made this site didn’t care about any of that. — Janan (@jananamirah) May 17, 2018

 

That really sucks, and I’m sorry, Janina. I’m sorry for the history, I’m sorry for the hurt, I’m sorry for the insensitivity of the fake site, and I’m sorry for my own response: My apology-analyst self grabbed the wheel from my human-with-empathy self and thought “YES, PERFECT!” rather than “what impact does this have on those who are actually affected?” Which was wrong. That was my privilege and thoughtlessness in action.

The fact that this is a perfect apology is precisely why it’s so hurtful to real people who are really waiting and praying for an apology just like it from an institution they love or once loved. It feels almost abusive to offer this kind of joy and release and then snatch it away — oh ho, PSYCH!

The Salt Lake Tribune, clearly staffed by better journalists than I, did unmask the prankster. He’s a former Mormon named Jonathan Streeter who lives in Texas (he is NOT the Jonathan Streeter who lives in Kilgore, not that you’d harass either Jonathan Streeter in Texas, but some people are jerkholes) and who has a blog devoted to the sins of the LDS Church. When asked about the devastation some people felt after the unmasking of his fake apology on his very-real-looking site, he told the Trib, “It’s very natural for them to lash out against me because it’s not in their nature to criticize their church.”

Yeah, not helping. He’s clearly uninterested in apologizing to those he hurt.

O, the irony.

It was 20 years ago.

The Washington Post headline: “A pastor admitted a past sexual incident with a teen. His congregation gave him a standing ovation.” Others also focused on the applause. “Pastor admits to ‘sexual incident’ with teen 20 years ago, gets standing ovation” said CBS News. Newsweek also headlined the applause, calling it a “bizarre response.”

That sounded peculiar. The stories said the pastor had apologized. So SorryWatch bravely viewed the entire hour-and-17-minute YouTube video of the service in question, praise songs and all. It began to make more sense. The congregation didn’t get the whole story.

WHAT HAPPENED?

Keep in mind that “sexual incident” can mean all kinds of things, and mean different things to different people. To some, particularly in conservative churches, a kiss is a “sexual incident.”

This story highlights the importance of specificity in a good apology. The person apologizing needs to specify what the apology is for. Not hide behind the vagueness of “what happened,” “that whole thing,” “the sexual incident.”

Back in 1998, a 17-year-old high school senior, Jules Woodson, was hanging out at her Baptist church near Houston,Texas. There were a bunch of kids, but as it got later, people left, and finally it was just Woodson and youth minister Andy Savage.

I forgot to say this was 20 years ago.

Savage offered her a ride home in his truck. It was dark. He was the youth minister. He drove past the turn to her house. She asked why. Savage said “something along the lines of ‘you’ll see’ or ‘it’s a surprise.’ I remember feeling special and excited, as in my mind, he obviously wanted to spend more time with me before taking me home. I assumed we were going to get ice cream.”

No. Deserted dirt road. Dead end. The youth minister parked, turned off the lights, unzipped his jeans, and instructed her to perform oral sex. “I was scared and embarrassed, but I did it. I remember feeling that this must mean Andy loved me.” Or maybe he was just showing her HOW NOT TO BE A YOUTH MINISTER. He instructed her to unbutton her top. He lowered her bra. He touched her for what she guesses was was about 5 minutes, then jumped out, raced around the truck, came around to the passenger side, fell on his knees, and begged her not to tell what had just happened.

As Woodson recalls, he said, “Oh my God, what have I done? Oh my God, I’m so sorry. You can’t tell anyone, Jules, please. You have to take this to the grave with you.” Feeling manipulated and angry, she promised silence “to get him to stop,” and he drove her home in silence.

After a few days of shame, fear, and anger, Woodson went to the head pastor, the sort of step A DECENT YOUTH MINISTER WOULD SUGGEST. But pastor Larry Cotton didn’t seem wholly sympathetic. “So you’re telling me you participated?” The sort of question A GOOD YOUTH MINISTER WOULD NOT ASK. Woodson said she was afraid to tell her mother, and he said to leave that to him. He said the church would handle the situation. He said not to talk to anyone about it.

But nothing seemed to happen. Savage went about church business, leading a 2-day “True Love Waits” event promoting purity and premarital abstinence, including avoiding contact that might lead to arousal.

A despairing and depressed Woodson told some of the story to friends in her church discipleship group. Oddly, word got out. Oddly, the church now acted, announcing that Savage would not be escorting the youth group on the ski trip. Rumors were flying, and the consensus seemed to be that Savage and Woodson had shared an ‘innocent kiss.’ Which A YOUTH MINISTER SHOULD NOT DO.

I should have mentioned this was all 20 years ago.

The church announced that Savage was leaving, and had a goodbye party. “No one could imagine Andy doing anything bad or immoral, much less illegal, and so, it somehow became my fault that Andy was leaving.” Apparently Savage did talk to Woodson’s mother, who was left with the impression that it was about a kiss.

On a blog discussing Woodson’s account, a commenter who says he was also in the youth group writes, “I… distinctly remember the incident and subsequent going away party… I was a high school senior. The church was definitely led to believe it was an ‘innocent kiss’ – and consensual as well. …I don’t think anyone could have imagined how horrific his actions actually were.”

Savage moved home to Memphis. Where he soon got work at Highpoint Church.

WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS NOW?

Woodson was still troubled. The cover-up made it worse. “[W]hen I found out that the church had contacted my parents, years later, and asked their permission to bring Andy back on staff, it brought back a whirlwind of emotions. Of course, my parents said NO, but even learning of this was traumatizing. …although it’s been almost 20 years since everything happened, it still affects me to this day. There are… nightmares that haunt my dreams.”

Then came the #MeToo movement, and the idea of women taking pride in speaking out about sexual harassment and assault (which the incident was, under Texas law). Also Woodson saw a pious tweet by Savage about Matt Lauer’s firing from NBC News.

So saddened to hear of another high profile person in the midst of sexual misconduct allegations. It’s beginning to seem that sex on our own terms isn’t working. Go figure.

On December 1, 2017, Woodson emailed Savage.

Do you remember that night that you were supposed to drive me home from church and instead drove me to a deserted back road and sexually assaulted me?

Do you remember how you acted like you loved me and cared about me in order for me to cooperate in such acts, only to run out of the vehicle later and fall to your knees begging for forgiveness and for me not to tell anyone what had just happened?

Well, I REMEMBER.

#me-too

He didn’t answer. She thought he would answer and apologize. Nothing. After more than a month, on January 5th, Woodson went public on a pair of websites about sexual abuse.

The result was enormous publicity, and, very soon – January 7th – the church service with the notorious ovation.

Here’s Savage’s apology, slightly edited for length. Bold face added.

…I’ve never wanted to minimize anything about what’s taken place. As a college student, on staff, at a church in Texas, more than 20 years ago, I regretfully had a sexual incident with a female high school student in the church. I apologized and sought forgiveness from her, her parents, her discipleship group, the church staff, and the church leadership, who informed the congregation. In agreement with wise counsel I took every step to respond in a Biblical way. I resigned from ministry and moved back home to Memphis. I accepted full responsibility for my actions; I was and remain, very remorseful, for the incident, and deeply regret the pain I caused her and her family, as well as the pain I caused the church, and God’s Kingdom…. I… disclosed this incident to Chris – Conlee – before coming on staff at Highpoint… This incident was dealt with in Texas 20 years ago, but in the last few days it has been presented to a wider audience…. Again, I sincerely ask for forgiveness from her, and pray for God’s continuing healing for everyone involved. When this happened 20+ years ago. I did everything I knew to do under the counsel I was given to cooperate with those involved, to repent of my sins, take responsibility for my actions, and seek forgiveness. I never sought to cover this up…. In hindsight, I see that more could have been done for Jules. I am truly sorry more was not done. Until now, I did not know there was unfinished business with Jules. So today, I say, ‘Jules, I am deeply sorry for my actions 20 years ago. I remain committed to cooperate with you, towards forgiveness and healing.’ …I am sorry to Jules, to her family, to my family, to my church friends…, and most of all, to the Lord. My repentance over this sin 20 years ago was done believing that God’s forgiveness is greater than any sin…. Since then, I have tried to live my life in keeping with that original act of repentance. For any painful memories or fresh wounds this has created, for anyone, I am sorry. And I humbly ask for your forgiveness. I love you all, very much.

Head down, voice choked. He got maybe 24 seconds of applause. Notice the stress on how long ago this all was. 20 years! He doesn’t specify what he did. He doesn’t mention how that was misrepresented 20 years ago. He doesn’t mention ignoring the recent email showing that there was “unfinished business with Jules.”

Which, by the way, it’s been 20 years since then.

Those applauding didn’t get the whole story. They weren’t applauding “I’m sorry I assaulted a 17-year-old and tried to shut her up and the church helped me do that but then they said I had to go.” They were applauding “I’m sorry I once did a bad thing, and I tried to make it better, and I thought it was all fixed, and it was SO LONG AGO, and now I have to go through this again in front of thousands of people, and I’m so humiliated.” They don’t know that “I never tried to minimize anything” is untrue.

Savage’s version doesn’t contradict Woodson’s account, but it’s not specific. He doesn’t mention that the incident got downplayed from oral sex and fondling to a kiss. He doesn’t say he swore her to secrecy. He says he never tried to minimize what took place? No, that’s precisely what he did, then and now.

It’s a bad, dishonest apology, but the congregation didn’t know that. They were moved by his humility.

Lead Pastor Chris Conlee got up, put his arm around Savage, held out his other hand in a quelling gesture and instructed the congregation, “We are so grateful for your support. I know when you support Andy in that way, you are also supporting Miss Woodson. You are supporting her healing.”

I hope Andy told you this was 20 years ago.

Then he talked forever. A few high points: “Holy Spirit, would you… heal [Miss Woodson] of the pain that was caused, from this sin 20 years ago. God, would you also heal Andy, Amanda, and their family, from the lingering effects of this sin 20 years ago…. Does God want us to condone the sin?… Of course not!… Andy did not condone the sin 20 years ago. Andy does not condone it now…. I have a 17-year-old daughter…. What about the conversations you think I’ve had in the last couple days? — But guess what? This sin didn’t happen in the last couple days. This sin happened over 20 years ago. That does not minimize the sin… he repented of this 20 years ago …he left the ministry for a season… Only God can take what he hates and use it for what he loves. That’s why Andy’s ministry has been all about healthy dating relationships… healthy marriages… healthy families…. Isn’t this that we pray happens…. Isn’t this the result that the leadership wanted 20 years ago?…”

Referring to the New Testament admonition about those without sin casting the first stone, he said, “Andy was the sinner – 20 years ago – 20 years ago, Andy – we’re not minimizing, we’re not excusing sin… It was a terrible sin 20 years ago. But Andy confessed. He asked for forgiveness. He received the forgiveness of Jesus Christ…. He became a person of love, who then dedicated his life, now, to helping people live in such a way that they have pure relationships, God-honoring relationships…”

You know, it must have been easily 20 years ago.

He finished upbeat. “A good friend of mine called me this morning. He said, ‘God just gave Highpoint Church a ministry to heal women who’ve been abused in some type of sexual sin.’ Guess what? We’re gonna commit to that…”

Savage mentioned five times that this happened 20 years ago. Conlee mentioned nine times that happened 20 years ago. A number they never mentioned is 17, as in she was 17 years old at the time. (Conlee’s daughter, however, gets to be 17.)

We don’t think they’re ready for that ministry.

Maybe they agree. A few days later, Highpoint Church gave Savage an indefinite leave of absence. Conlee said they would arrange a third-party audit of “our church processes and Andy’s ministry.”

As for Woodson, she called Savage’s apology “disgusting.”

As Yom Kippur nears, there are two traditional things celebrants say to each other. G’mar chatima tova and g’mar tov. Careful readers will note that the three-word and two-word expressions are similar! And both can tell us something instructive about saying sorry.

Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur urge us to ponder how we’re going to do better in the New Year (5778, for those keeping score at home). We’re supposed to apologize to those we’ve wronged — human, divine, self — as an important step in starting anew.

You can’t simply start over. Jews do not do the whole clean slate thing. Have you met us? We revel in guilt and ambiguity. Before we can start again, we have to finish what we’ve left undone. G’mar tov means, literally, “finish well.” It’s what we say as the metaphorical gates of heaven are beginning to close, as the chance for tying up loose ends disappears. G’mar chatima tova literally means “good finished sealing” — idiomatically, it means “may you be inscribed for good,” as in, “may God write your name in the Book of Life,” which, y’know, heavy, man. The tradition holds that one’s name is written on Rosh Ha’Shanah and sealed on Yom Kippur.

According to the delightful Balashon: The Hebrew Language Detective, g’mar, the word for finish, is related to the word g’mal, which means to ripen or wean. Ripening and weaning are both kinds of finishing. A ripened fruit has finished growing; it’s become full and complete. A weaned baby has begun the process of being self-sustaining; no longer being dependent on breast milk is the first step to becoming self-supporting, self-nourishing.

It’s not too much of a stretch to see that finishing something unfinished, achieving fullness and completeness, and feeling self-nourished are all connected to the art of apology. When we apologize well, despite the difficulty, we gain all these good things.

Not so incidentally, g’mar also means “to learn.” (Fellow Jewish Day School grads will recall studying the Gemara.) The etymology makes sense: When you learn, you deduce. You complete a chain of ideas and reasoning. You finish hearing or seeing or reading a thing, and you begin processing what you’ve heard or seen or read.

Again, hello: Apology-relevant. Good apologies have a learning curve. Coming to the conclusion that yes, you really should apologize, is its own deductive and logical act. (Pondering why good apologies are so darn rare, when WE ALL KNOW HOW TO DO THEM, COME ON, is a learning experience in and of itself.)

Happy New Year and g’mar tov to our friends who swing that way. Love, humility and justice to everyone, year-round.

Oh! And! If you want to hear Snarly talking about apology on the Unorthodox podcast two years ago — she forgot to share it then, sue her — you can! If you’d like to read some musings about the dangers of self-forgiveness — such a friggin’ buzzword right now, and a concept that has its place but NOT TOO MUCH OF A PLACE, PLEASE, go here. And you might or might not wish to ponder some smart musings about whether to forgive Trump voters, involving MORE SPLENDID HEBREW LINGUISTICS! (The word mechilah, to forgive, is related to the word machol, dance…as author David Ingber tells us, forgiveness is a dance; “a process, not an event.”) The piece is much more nuanced than you might expect. Which is good, since Snarly’s non-nuanced, immediate reaction to the suggestion she forgive Trump voters is MAY YOUR FACE BE SEALED IN THE BOOK OF SHUT-UP.

Nope.

SorryWatch exists because good apologies are hard. When human beings are challenged on our behavior, we often react with defensiveness. We may obfuscate a bit. We may make excuses. And this is natural. No one wants to feel uncomfortable; it’s not fun to examine one’s decision-making and find it wanting. A true test of character is when someone works through those feelings of discomfort, chooses to listen, considers others’ reactions and responses, and then decides to apologize.

This is what the organizers of the March for Racial Justice did. We commend them.

Here’s what happened.

On August 13, in the wake of Neo-Nazi marches and murder in Charlottesville, the March for Racial Justice was announced. The march was originally slated for September 9, but due to a permitting issue at the Mall on Washington, was moved to September 30. This date is Yom Kippur, the holiest date in the Jewish calendar, a fast day, a day when most Jews are in synagogue.

Jewish activists immediately spoke out. How could the event be scheduled on the one day of the year Jews were least likely to be able to attend? The March for Racial Justice organizers issued a statement. It was not good.

The core leadership of the March for Racial Justice regrets the scheduling conflict of the September 30 date for the March for Racial Justice and the Yom Kippur holiday, the Day of Atonement. The decision to schedule the March for Racial Justice on September 30 was made in honor of the anniversary of 227 Black lives lost and 122 unjustly imprisoned during the Elaine Massacre of 1919, considered one of the largest mass lynchings in the history of the United States. The core leadership of the March for Racial Justice recognizes and celebrates the historical unity between African Americans and Americans of the Jewish faith. These two communities are natural partners, as each have a history of persecution and discrimination. This unity was exemplified by the friendship of Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel and Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King who marched together from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama in 1965. When asked why he joined Dr. King for the march, Rabbi Heschel replied, “when I marched in Selma, my feet were praying.” When we discussed the date of our March with Rabbi Hannah Spiro, she stated that this march might be a powerful opportunity for Jews to pray with their feet in between services on Yom Kippur afternoon. Rabbi Spiro pointed out that many members of Jewish faith will prefer to spend the day in silent reflection, and that the fast may not allow for many to come out – but that some Jews may find it powerful to know that this march is happening in parallel with their fast; in the spirit of Isaiah 58, which calls for a “fast that breaks every yoke and lets the oppressed go free.” Our hope as the core leadership for the March for Racial Justice is that we can emulate the spirit and bond between Dr. King and Rabbi Heschel for our country and the world to bear witness to our determination to come together in love and unity. We hope that the occurrence this year of Yom Kippur and the Elaine Massacre anniversary on the same date can be a another point of solidarity and the continuation of a long and powerful history.

Why is this not good? First, “regret” is not “apology.” The former concerns itself with how the speaker feels; the latter is concerned with how the listener feels. When you apologize, you own what you’ve done. When you regret, you’re simply throwing up your hands and saying “ah, well.” Mentioning the friendship of Martin Luther King and Abraham Joshua Heschel is nice, but it still relegates Jews to sidekicks in another group’s story. (A status that African-Americans know all too well.) Jews have their own history with those claiming racial superiority. I have no wish to engage in arguments about whether Jews are white; I say that white Jews are white and non-white Jews are not white. REGARDLESS: What matters for the purpose of this discussion is that Nazis and Neo-Nazis have never considered Jews white. To them, Jews are a filthy race. “Jew will not replace us” is a pretty clear indication of other-dom.) There is no question that in the USA today, African-Americans are far more marginalized than Jews. But both groups are targeted by the Neo-Nazis because of race.

And in an event designed to show unity against hate, leaving out one of the prominent targets of hate was beyond hurtful.

Furthermore, the organizers put Rabbi Hannah Spiro in a terrible position. They didn’t state her affiliation because she was speaking as a private citizen — the rabbi of a synagogue in DC near the Mall — not as a march organizer or activist. Fellow Jews were distressed that she seemed to be encouraging them to skip synagogue on the holiest day of the year. But as she herself told the Jewish community on her Facebook page:

The organizers hurt her in her own community, by using only some of her words and using them in a deliberately misleading way.

BUT THEN. They made things right, or nearly so. Check out the full statement on the March for Racial Justice’s site. This is SorryWatch, though, so we’ll just focus on the apology:

Choosing this date, we now know, was a grave and hurtful oversight on our part. It was unintentional and we are sorry for this pain as well as for the time it has taken for us to respond. Our mistake highlights the need for our communities to form stronger relationships.

After the horrifying events of the past weekend in Charlottesville, and the remarks by the President suggesting that “both sides” are to blame, we understand more than ever the need for unity against those who hate us in our many identities.  We have learned from our Jewish friends that Yom Kippur is a day of making amends and of asking and receiving forgiveness. We hope that our sincere apology will be received with compassion, and that we will build a stronger relationship among all our communities as a result.

While we continue to move forward with plans for the main march in Washington, DC on the anniversary of the Elaine massacre, we are working on ways to include the Jewish community on Saturday 9/30 after sundown and/or on Sunday 10/1.

We will be seeking a permit for the sister march in New York City for the afternoon of Sunday, October 1 and will share that information as quickly as we can. Many other sister marches are now being planned for Sunday, October 1 as well and we will keep everyone informed as those additional marches and rallies as they develop.

Our goal is and has always been to bring those committed to racial justice together and we are doing all we can to honor that important goal. We will continue to seek the thoughts and advice of religious and community leaders as this movement grows, and we will face those moments where fellow citizens register their concerns honestly and realistically.  As we share a big world with many people, all with their own rights to their freedoms of speech, expression and religion, we will always do our utmost to consider all points of view.

We are marching in solidarity with our Jewish brothers and sisters who are observing the holiest of days on the Jewish calendar. Holding fast to Jewish tradition is also an act of resistance, in the face of growing anti-Semitism. We recognize and lift up the intersection of anti-Semitism and racism perpetrated by white supremacists, whether they wave Confederate flags, don swastikas, beat and kill people on the streets in Charlottesville, deface Holocaust memorials, or threaten and harass members of our communities and our religious and community spaces. And we recognize the need for all of us to work together in the face of an administration that condones widespread oppression of all those most vulnerable among us.

This is a long-term struggle and our relationship to each other transcends one day and one march. As we learn from this planning mis-step, we are working with Jewish leaders to make racial justice resources and prayers available for Yom Kippur observances in Jewish communities as well. We hope that on that holy day, Jews in synagogues across our country will pray for racial justice – lifting up black and brown people, Jewish and non-Jewish – in hope for safety and wholeness. Spiritual sustenance is an essential part of this work for justice. We’re committed to working together with the Jewish community throughout the year and every year until true justice for all of us is won.

The March for Racial Justice
August 15, 2017

Why is this good?

It uses the word “sorry” and “apology” instead of “regret.” It names the thing the organizers did wrong. It explains, correctly and well, what Yom Kippur is, and draws a perfect parallel between the meaning of the holiday itself and the need for this statement. It attempts to make amends by adding a sister march on a different date that Jewish activists can participate in. It makes clear that real listening happened, and it pledges to continue listening in the future. It includes Jews in a recitation of those people under attack, and recognizes their role in the struggle for justice. It mentions working with Jewish leaders on resources and prayers adaptable for use in synagogue on Yom Kippur. And — a small thing, but one that is meaningful to me — it uses the phrase “lifting up black and brown people, Jewish and non-Jewish.” Black and brown Jews frequently see their religious identity erased, sadly, by both Jews and non-Jews. It is powerful to name and recognize them.

I have quibbles. I wish the apology began in the first paragraph and not the third. I wish the headline began with “An apology” rather than “A statement.” I wish there were a specific, public apology to Hannah Spiro. And I cannot help but doubt the statement “The organizers of the March for Racial Justice did not realize that September 30 was Yom Kippur.” Look, it’s written on every farshtunkiner American calendar. I would have preferred the statement, “The organizers of the March for Racial Justice did not realize how central Yom Kippur is to Judaism and why this date would likely prevent Jews from participating in the March.”

Rabbi Jill Jacobs, the Executive Director of T’ruah: The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights (I am, full disclosure, a big fan of both the rabbi and the organization), who has put her body on the line for intersectional justice in the past, was pleased with the statement, so I am too. I’ll end with her wise words (though if you want more on Rambam and forgiveness, SorryWatch has you covered):

1. I have been blown away by the ways in which Dorcas DavisTigre Di Forlivo and the other organizers have modeled teshuvah in the past few days. This is an important lesson for all of us in the last few days before the month of Elul when the season of repentance starts. When I reached out to them, they were incredibly open to getting on the phone and zoom right away, to listening, to sharing honestly, and to working on a solution. I am also grateful as always to partners in the Jewish community, including Rebecca Ennen, April Aviva Baskin, and Scott Perlo who also separately reached out. This group and a few more did a lot of hard work, and spent a lot of late nights this week working on a resolution that may not be perfect, but that will enable Jewish communities to participate in this event in some way, even if not in the march itself. (Including–very importantly–moving the date of the New York City march to Sunday, Oct. 1)

2. We know that coalition work is hard. But in a time when Nazis march freely in the street, and white supremacists feel emboldened by this President to spew their hatred of Jews, people of color, immigrants, etc. (note: these are not necessarily separate categories of people!) without shame, it is more important than ever to work across lines of difference even–and especially–when it’s difficult, and when feelings are hurt.

3. Jewish friends: Rambam taught:

“אסור לאדם שיהיה אכזרי ולא יתפייס, אלא יהיה נוח לרצות וקשה לכעוס, ובשעה שמבקש ממנו החוטא למחול, מוחל בלבב שלם ובנפש חפצה; ואפילו הצר לו הרבה וחטא לו הרבה, לא ייקום וייטור”

It is forbidden for a person to be cruel and refuse to be appeased. Rather, a person should be easily pacified but difficult to anger. And when the one who has wronged him/her/them, asks for forgiveness, one should forgive this person with a whole heart, and with a willing spirit. Even if this person caused great pain and did a great wrong, one should not seek revenge or bear a grudge. (Hilchot Teshuva 2:10)

I know that some of you still want the date to be changed. I wish this were possible too. But given the difficulty of securing permits for the National Mall, it’s not. So let’s take Rambam’s advice and accept this apology “with a whole heart and with a willing spirit,” in the spirit in which it was offered.

So here are a few things we can do now:

A. Go to the March for Racial Justice page and say thank you. Tell them you accept the apology. Affirm your commitment to working together now and in the future.

B. Get involved. Go to the FB page or website and volunteer to work on one of the sister marches, in NYC or elsewhere. Or volunteer to help plan what happens in DC Saturday night or Sunday. (don’t write to me to ask how–just go directly to the page!–you’ll find what you need, and the partners you need.)

C. If you’ll be in shul on Yom Kippur–and especially if you’ll be leading services, incorporate into Yizkor the El Maleh Rachamim produced by T’ruah in memory of those killed in racist violence http://www.truah.org/…/el-maleh-rachamim-for-victims-of-ra…/

D. Reach out to partners locally. Make new friends. Talk to people who are not in your immediate community. Everything helps. As I said above, with Nazis and white nationalists carrying assault rifles through our streets, we need each other more than ever, and must be committed to tackling the inevitable missteps and hurt feelings that will happen along the way.

On Yom Kippur, Jews traditionally say “G’mar tov” to each other. It means “finish well.” Finish your fast well; finish the Hebrew year well. But g’mar tov also might apply to apologies. Even if we begin them poorly, we can always urge ourselves to finish well.

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A week ago, the Sikh fashion designer/model/actor Waris Ahluwalia was denied permission to board a flight back home to New York, because he refused a demand from Aeromexico to remove his turban in public. Ahluwalia instagrammed a shot of himself stuck in the airport, which went viral.

Aeromexico initially put the blame on Ahluwalia himself, since he “was asked to submit to screening and inspection before boarding, in strict compliance with TSA protocol.” STRICT protocol, people! (Actually, TSA protocol dictates that people wearing head coverings in accordance with their religious beliefs be allowed to remove them in private, and then only after an alarm has been triggered.) The airline noted somberly and super-security-consciously that Ahluwalia was welcome to fly home with another airline. “We sincerely regret any inconvenience caused by this incident,” the statement concluded, which indeed makes it a statement, and not an apology.

Ahluwalia turned down the airline’s kind offer to take someone else’s airplane or strip off his religiously mandated headwear in front of everyone in the airport. Instead, he opted to tweet and Instagram and appear on CNN from Mexico. He also consulted with The Sikh Coalition, a community-based organization that works for civil rights for Sikhs and all people who experience discrimination. The organization was formed after 9/11, when hate crimes against Sikhs skyrocketed. (A 2010 survey by the coalition found that 69% of turban-wearing Sikh students in the San Francisco Bay Area had suffered bullying and harassment because of their religion, and 30% had been hit or inappropriately touched; in New York City, nine percent of all Sikhs have experienced hate crimes.) In 2012, the coalition launched an app called FlyRights, which combats discrimination in airports and shows the disconnect between TSA claims and Sikh travelers’ experiences; there are some airports in which 100 percent of Sikh fliers are singled out. The app lets users report harassment, compare records of airports, and learn their rights.

Ahluwalia, who used the hashtags #lovenotfear and #FearIsanOpportunitytoEducate on all his photos, was willing to miss! Fashion! Week! until he received an actual apology from Aeromexico, plus a promise that the airline would provide better diversity training and education to its employees.

View this post on Instagram

Update. 13 hours later. Still in Mexico City. No traveler should be subjected to what I was today. All we're asking for from @aeromexico is an apology and education/training of the staff. #lovenotfear #FearisanOpportunitytoEducate

A post shared by Waris Ahluwalia (@houseofwaris) on Feb 8, 2016 at 6:33pm PST

He remained polite and funny. As he told CNN’s Christiane Amanpour, “The lightness and the humor is important to recognize…there’s no anger here. I’m not angry.” (Even if one is angry — and rightly — humor can be an effective mind-changing tool.) Ultimately, he did receive an apology, but he opted to stay put until the airline assured him it was working to ensure that this didn’t happen again to someone else. “The apology is a brilliant first step,” he noted, “and I want to thank Aeromexico for that, but that’s past-looking. Now what we’re talking about is the future.”

He won. First, here’s the apology; it appeared in worldwide media. In English, it says,

Sadly, it’s not great. A great apology doesn’t start by announcing that the apologizer is awesome. The first paragraph should not brag about how you proudly embrace and recognize the diversity of your passengers when you’re apologizing because you failed to embrace and recognize the diversity of your passengers. (Consider this a free tip for the future, Aeromexico.) In any case, the apology belongs in the first paragraph, not the second. The second paragraph has its own issues, blaming “one of our security guards” for the unnamed “unfortunate experience.” See, it’s not a systemic problem! It’s this one dude! He takes other people’s yogurts from the break room fridge! He sucks! Note, too, that Aeromexico fails to note what it is actually apologizing for, which is a way to deflect anyone’s possibly discomfiting thoughts about what the airline actually did. And finally, Aeromexico claims the incident “inspires us to make sure that we strengthen [our] customer service protocols,” which would be delightful if their first statement hadn’t been one that blamed Ahluwalia. Apparently that was the initial inspiration, before public shaming inspired the second inspiration to kick in.

BUT STILL! It’s an apology. And perhaps more importantly, The Sikh Coalition says they’re working with Aeromexico to get them to make systemic change.

As we’ve discussed, an essential part of a good apology is making reparations and/or taking steps to insure that the sin isn’t committed again. The Sikh Coalition feels that Aeromexico is committing to this course.

And Waris Ahluwalia made it to New York Fashion Week.

Ironically, Ahluwalia pretty much enacted the scene at the airport in Inside Man, a 2006 Spike Lee movie, with NYC cops standing in for Aeromexico security guards and executives.

Plus ça change.

Anyway, here is Waris Ahluwalia modeling. This picture is not from Fashion Week. I just felt like sharing.

Personally, I barely noticed the turban.

On Christmas, my non-SorryWatch-non-Sumac colleague Mark Oppenheimer published a piece in the New York Times about a New Age spiritual leader named Marc Gafni. Gafni advises such luminaries as John Mackey (of Whole Foods), John Gray (of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus) and Arianna Huffington (of Fuck You, Pay Me). He uses words like “integral wisdom” and “meditation” and “renaissance,” and mentors business types in their quest for “conscious capitalism,” which is a thing. But Mark’s story shows that Gafni (born Mordechai Winiarz) also has a long history of statutory rape and sexual abuse allegations and all-around sexual manipulation. A former Orthodox rabbi, he had his ordination rescinded by the prominent rabbi who ordained him. What is relevant to our purposes here is that he apologized for his conduct, then RESCINDED the apology, which means we have a lot of SorryWatching to get to! My shakti is ready!

But first, read Mark’s entire piece in the Times and the longer foll0w-up piece in Tablet. (You can also read a heart-rending essay by one of his three ex-wives here.) Basically, the dude worked as a rabbi in both the Orthodox and Jewish Renewal branches of Judaism and kept leaving positions in the wake of scandal. (Mostly sex stuff, but there was some plagiarism thrown in there too.) He has acknowledged repeated sexual encounters with a 13-year-old girl — with whom he says he was “in love” and who he called “14 going on 35,” and who we we call victim of statutory rape, and he has been accused of getting naked, getting into bed with and repeatedly groping a 16-year-old girl — who he called “highly initiatory” and who we call a victim of statutory sexual abuse, you foot-faced predatory dickweasel.

But you know, tomato tomahto.

After these events, Gafni moved to Israel, changed his name, and became the leader of a mystical community. It fell apart when numerous women in it said he’d been sleeping with them and swearing them all to secrecy (Gafni told Mark he’d asked for “privacy,” not “secrecy”). One of the community’s other founders said that Gafni had acknowledged having “a monogamy problem.” Another noted that he just has a lot of shakti.

The fact is, many powerful folks have excused his behavior over the years. Men’s rights activist Warren Farrell said, “Orthodox communities are pretty sexually repressed, and Marc is not sexually repressed.” Conservative book editor Adam Bellow said that folks sometimes change their minds after the fact about what they’ve previously voluntarily engaged in. “We obviously cannot know for certain what occurred between two people—as the Hill/Thomas case amply demonstrates, memory is a very tricky thing and an experience that might seem benign or acceptable at one time in a person’s life may look very different in hindsight,” he emailed Mark. A female associate of Gafni’s, a member of his think tank and writer about Eastern philosophy, noted that Gafni is a wonderful teacher for “mature students” and not someone that “young, susceptible women should take as their teacher.” (Way to blame the victim, sister.)

And now that I’ve wiped the bitter disbelieving spittle off my monitor, ON TO THE APOLOGIES!

After Gafni’s spiritual community in Israel imploded, he moved to Utah and published this online apology, beginning, “To My Holiest Friends.” (Apparently the less holy don’t deserve apologies.)

I want to say I understand I have made grave mistakes. I made choices that clearly hurt people I love. I am infinitely saddened and profoundly sorry for the pain I have caused.

I take full responsibility for all the pain I have inflicted. Clearly all of this and more indicates that in these regards I am sick. I need to acknowledge that sickness and to get help for it. That is what I am doing in this letter.

He goes on to say he’s “entering treatment” (where, what kind, for how long?) and committed to “making healing the number one priority in my life” (healing whom, exactly?). He concludes, “I apologize with all of my heart and soul to everyone,” and signs off, “With love and pain beyond words.”

SUCH WRONGNESS, WOW. A letter of apology needs to start with the apology, not end with it. Apologies need to say you’re sorry to everyone, not just to the people you hurt. Predatory teachers and spiritual leaders hurt everyone, so apologize to everyone. Be specific about what you did. This letter is so vague, it could be an expression of regret for using the synagogue’s meat cutting board to slice cheese. Stop repeating that you’re “sick,” which is a way to evade responsibility: it’s not you who did this, it’s your illness! And ending with “love and pain beyond words,” again, makes this about YOU. It’s not about those whose lives and community you destroyed. Your suffering is not relevant to an apology.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

Gafni later took back his apology. His explanation, on his web site, must be read to be believed.

But the highlights: “Why, if these complaints were not true, did I sign a letter that took all responsibility for what happened onto myself and attributed what happened to my ‘sickness?'” (Nice use of “scare quotes,” as we call them in the biz!) “My initial response emerged from a place of radical shock, confusion, trauma, and fear. All products of the mind’s illusion, yet painfully real at the time.” (Why do New Age people love the term “radical” so much? Whatevs, his wrongdoing was merely an illuuuuuuusion — please say that in magician Doug Henning’s voice.)

“I felt that as ‘Captain of the Ship’ I needed to take responsibility for any sickness that appeared in a system that I had created.” Ooh, his beloved word “sickness” is back, but this time it is not aimed inward. It’s in the system, and its presence has been invoked in the passive voice (sickness appeared! like a rabbit inside a top hat!). This aligns with the theory of spontaneous generation, in which ancient cultures believed that life could arise out of non-living matter, like maggots materializing in rotten meat and mice appearing in sweaty underwear.

“I also recognized that the clash between my post-conventional values and the values of the systems in which I lived, and the holding of privacy to resolve that tension, made me vulnerable to attack.” Post-conventional values is like “post-racial society.” And Gafni is the victim, of course, vulnerable to evil-doers. (Cosby-esque crazy bitches, gold diggers, politically motivated resentful power-hungry monocle-wearing villains — your choice.) He refers to the “unconventional nature of his relationships” being held against him by narrow-minded unimaginative sexually repressed loserfaces (I paraphrase), and says he found “the notion of engaging in a sensationalist conflict in the public realm so abhorrent and defiling to both my heart” that he chose to fall on his own sword. (His metaphor. And by sword he does not mean penis.)

Also, everything happened so fast he got confused! There was a rush to judgment. He felt despair and shock and paralyzing grief and he could not breathe. He had NO IDEA all those women he was sleeping with and swearing to silence were “unhappy with our relationships.” (Those were not relationships. Relationships, including polyamorous ones, are consensual, dude.) “Not in my wildest nightmare did I ever imagine the absurd possibility that someone would file a false complaint against me for sexual harassment,” he writes. Absurd! He was “abandoned,” a victim of “hysteria” (you know women with their hysterica, it’s a KNOWN FEMALE PLUMBING THING, related to fallopian tubes or the uterine lining or something). Ominously, the “feminine shadow [was] manipulated behind the scenes by masculine shadow, that is to say women encouraged and manipulated by men.” So often these false-accusation-y victim-y lemming-y women are easily led by penis-havers, like tiny Konrad Lorenz ducklings.

Also someone erased his hard drive so he couldn’t prove his innocence. And in Israel “unlike any other country in the world,” sexual harassment is a criminal offense. You can be jailed for it! That is cray! So he left. (He didn’t flee. He totally asked the police first and they didn’t care what he supposedly did, so pay no attention to what he said a few sentences ago about the possibility of being jailed.) His only flaw was that he “believed it legitimate for [him] to have a private life.”

“The image of my children seeing me go to jail for an offense that I never committed, simply because I was unable to disprove the complaints, dominated my consciousness and guided my actions in the following weeks―until I was able to reconnect with my center, my natural love and authentic self, and walk through the fear. I wrote the letter in an attempt to give myself time to do this. I did not fully realize that writing the letter would be taken as a confession that the complaints were true. They are not.”

So there you have it! Un-apology unlocked! Watch out for the feminine shadow! Go to Whole Foods and try the organic cruelty-free $23.99 almond butter!