A person running for president said something snide, and later said he was apologizing for it. Sounds good until you seek the apology. The candidate isn’t expressing regret, he’s piling insults higher.

In an ugly self-serving tirade – understandably attacking Donald Trump – Ted Cruz said Trump typifies “New York Values.” He thereby insulted millions of New Yorkers who feel nothing in common with Trump’s values. Insulted their third wives, even.

Cruz said, “Everyone understands that the values in New York City are socially liberal or pro-abortion or pro-gay-marriage, focus around money and the media.” (I’ll get to my existing grudges against this fool later.) Trump said it was “very insulting,” and he should know.

Two uglinesses here. “Pro-abortion” is a poisoned term for “pro-choice,” at Cruz well knows. It’s like calling an “anti-abortion” stance a “forced pregnancy” stance. Also notice how he links political stances with a “focus” on “money and the media.” Getting some people to think, yes, okay, yes, what THE FUCK? Where’d that come from?

Those are code words. As Joanna Rothkopf put it on Jezebel, “Ted, Just Say ‘Jewish’”.

Cruz was widely criticized for these remarks. (New York Daily News headline, “Drop Dead, Ted.” Followed by “Go back to Canada!”) With a Snidely Whiplash smirk, Cruz used that as a chance to pretend to apologize and get out some more jeers:

I apologize to the millions of New Yorkers that have been held down by liberal policies in New York City. [This is no more valid than apologizing to the millions that have been held down by conservative policies. NEITHER OF WHICH TED CRUZ HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH.]

Also New Yorkers? Pinkie rings.

I apologize to the hard-working men and women in the state of New York who have been denied jobs because Gov. Cuomo won’t allow fracking. Even though there have been many high-paying jobs just south in Pennsylvania, New Yorkers have been denied the chance to provide for their families. [What about hard-working children who have been denied the chance to work in factories and provide for their families?] [Also nothing Cruz has any connection to.]

I apologize to all the pro-life, pro-marriage, pro-Second Amendment New Yorkers told by Gov. Cuomo that they have no place in New York, because that’s not who New Yorkers are. [Governor Cuomo did say that about “extreme conservatives.” Cuomo said it. Not Cruz. In 2014.]

I apologize to all the small businesses that have been driven out of New York City by crushing taxes and regulations. [Does Cruz claim credit for all the things NY tax money has been spent on? That would make just as much sense. Give me strength. Cruz is FROM TEXAS, NOT NEW YORK.]

And “schmear.” What’s in that “schmear?” (Photo by Gage Skidmore.)

I apologize to all of the African American children who Mayor De Blasio tried to throw out of their schools that were providing a lifeline to the American dream. [I doubt Cruz thinks this will sway African American voters toward him. It’s a ‘See how caring I am’ gesture.]

And I apologize to all of the cops, firefighters, and 9/11 heroes who had no choice but to stand and turn their backs on Mayor De Blasio, because Mayor De Blasio, over and over again, stands with the looters and criminals rather than the brave men and women of law enforcement. [No one stands with looters and criminals, and Cruz knows it. QUIT LYING BEFORE YOUR TONGUE SWELLS UP.]

What kind of apology is that? Besides insincere and full of half-truths and lies? Cruz is rhetorically twisting ‘I’m sad about your situation’ regrets into an apology format. Real apologies are for what you did or said.

It’s also a poisoned apology. If you accept a poisoned apology, you accept its implicit premises. “I’m sorry you can’t handle the truth.” “I apologize if you were dumb enough to think I would go through that deal.” “Sorry it brings up your issues when I sleep with other people.”

But most people won’t accept poisoned apologies. Even the newspapers, often clueless about good versus bad apologies, could tell Cruz wasn’t apologizing and said so.

So that’s the good news – Cruz’s “apology” was so phony and mean-spirited that even credulous editors and reporters could tell it was a self-promoting sham. A disgrace to the difficult but worthwhile practice of apology.

My grudge against Cruz? It’s not just mine. For years I volunteered at a Planned Parenthood clinic, where women in a variety of income levels got health care and birth control. Some got pregnancy testing. Of the ones who were pregnant, some decided to continue the pregnancy, some decided to get abortions, and some decided on adoption. No one there was “pro-abortion.” It was a great clinic, kind and professional. On two occasions I saw, a life may have been saved when an ectopic pregnancy was detected and the woman was rushed to a hospital.

Cruz hates Planned Parenthood, or finds it politically useful to hate it, so much that he threatened to shut down the government in a battle to take government funding away from it. He didn’t end up having the clout to do it, partly because he’d horrified so many fellow Republicans. But it still made for energetic grandstanding. Had he succeeded in the shutdown, a lot of things would have happened. Among them, a great organization would have been seriously harmed. He wouldn’t have succeeded in destroying the organization entirely, but in the struggle an enormous number of women would have lost health care.

That angers me greatly. Also, in a shutdown, Antarctic programs would have been curtailed, which means some vital climate science would have been suspended. And I wouldn’t be down here now.

Despicable. We’ll see how far he can go with despicable.