We mostly talk about apologies here; just for kicks, let’s take a quick detour into forgiveness.

The web site My Jewish Learning (Snarly is a fan) has been emailing readers a series of essays called “Explore Forgiveness.” It’s a project designed to help folks prepare for Yom Kippur — the most somber day in the Jewish calendar, devoted to collective penitence and prayer –“through contemporary examinations of the role of forgiveness in our lives.” Helpful! Here are some of my favorite snippets published so far. (You should read the whole collection.)

Do you have to forgive someone who has wronged you? “Atonement, in Jewish tradition, requires accountability. While we are obligated to forgive the perpetrator who has apologized and started the hard work of behavioral change, when those two elements are not present, we have no obligation to forgive.” From: Must We Forgive Someone Who Hasn’t Made Amends?”  by Rabbi Sari Laufer.

How can self-inventory help us apologize better? “Seeking forgiveness from another person demands that we turn inward, determine which of our behaviors were hurtful, and strategize how we might alter them. Once we have asked for forgiveness from the person we wronged, we must forgive ourselves. Such personal scrutiny is known as a cheshbon hanefesh. How fortunate we are to have the annual gift that these Days of Repentance offer us. We have the opportunity to approach those whom we have wronged, specify those actions which we believe have caused pain and ask for forgiveness. Then, and only then, we should speak these words of remorse. This is the essence of what atoning is all about. From “After ‘I’m Sorry,’ the Real Work Begins,” by Rabbi Rebecca Einstein Schorr.

How do we balance justice and mercy when it comes to forgiveness?  “The willingness to temper your own outrage and anger out of respect for the other has another implication: By focusing on the offender as a human being, you create the emotional conditions necessary for that person to take full responsibility and to make appropriate amends. It therefore increases the likelihood of both forgiveness (mercy) and some kind of reparations (justice).”From “How to Forgive Is As Important as When to Forgive,” by Julie Hirschfeld, Ph.D.

D0 we have to forgive gaslighters and manipulators? “The rabbinic literature offers us some guidance on the pitfalls of forgiveness. According to the Mishnah, ‘One who says, ‘I will sin, and then repent, I will sin and then repent,’ — does not have what it takes to repent. One who says: ‘I will sin, and Yom Kippur will erase it,’ Yom Kippur will not erase it. Yom Kippur erases transgression a person commits against God, but [Yom Kippur does not erase] transgression against another person…until [the transgressor] makes things right with [the victim].’ Forgiveness can make a lot of things possible — and not all of those things are good. The possibility of forgiveness is not intended as a way to allow people to manipulate the system and harm others with impunity. Forgiveness can erase many things, but it can’t erase the need for all conflicts. Sometimes, taking the side of the oppressed means withholding forgiveness from an oppressor.” From “Forgiveness is Not Always a Virtue,” by Rabbi Ruti Regan.

Yom Kippur this year starts the evening of October 8. Happy New Year to all who celebrate…fast well (if you’re fasting), and take care of yourself, everyone.