Okra. (Abelmoschus esculentus.) Interesting question – Actually, I DON’T know what happens if you smoke it.

There was a helicopter hovering low above Dwayne Perry’s house. Really low.

It woke him up, and then there were sheriff’s deputies at the door. With a canine unit. The deputies were heavily armed – “strapped to the gills,” says Perry.

Like heat-seeking missiles, they headed for his yard. No way to hide it – Perry was growing okra.

This took place in Cartersville, Georgia, where alert minions of the Governor’s Task Force for drug suppression flying overhead had spotted the thick green foliage and tell-tale divided leaves of okra. Which they took for the thick green foliage and tell-tale even-more-divided leaves of marijuana.

Perry pointed out that he was growing okra there, and that okra is legal. They photographed the plants, so they could verify his claim – and apologized to him, and left.

Perry was thrown. He’d been scared by the raid. “Here I am, at home and retired,” he said. “They come to my house strapped with weapons for no reason. It ain’t right.” The more he thought about it, the more it upset him. Also he kept getting calls from neighbors wanting to know what all those sheriffs’ cars had been about, and it seemed like his reputation was in trouble.

He told his story to WSB TV-2 in Atlanta. They called the Georgia State Patrol for their version. The Patrol sent over an evidence photo to show how much the plants looked like marijuana. Captain Kermit Stokes said, “We’ve not been able to identify it as of yet. But it did have quite a number of characteristics that were similar to a cannabis plant.” (Perry points out that okra has five leaflets, unlike marijuana, which has seven. Oh? And how does he know that?)

Stokes “apologized” some more, saying, “If we disturbed them in any manner, that’s not our intent. Our intent is to go out and do our job and do it to the best of our ability.”

Bad bad apology. They’re minimizing the offense. Notice the big “if.” “If we disturbed… in any manner…” When law enforcement descends on a home in many cars and a helicopter, bringing guns and dogs, and searches the yard – that is indeed a manner of disturbance. (Also, they woke him up. Hate that.)

If you do something other than what you intend, you still did it. They intended to nab someone growing marijuana. They didn’t. They frightened a law-abiding person sleeping the sleep of the just in his own home, and made him look bad in the neighborhood.

No responsibility is taken. They’re just doing the best job they can! No one is responsible! Okra looks like weed from above! In fact it looks like weed close up! In fact they’re still examining the photo and haven’t been able to identify it – maybe it really is weed, Mr. Smart-ass TV Newsman!

Maybe they actually said “sorry” to Perry, but it doesn’t look likely.

They are not the first law officers to mistake okra for cannabis. On the delightful, law-abiding, All About Okra page, under “Okra Stories and Anecdotes” we find the tale of two Oklahomans who moved to Modesto, California in 1950 and planted a garden. “…my grandfather woke up one morning to find several Sheriff’s officers tromping through the okra and stepping on the watermelon…. The Sheriff was convinced that my grandpa was growing pot in his garden and had never heard of, let alone seen okra. It took a couple cups of coffee and a few of last years pickled okras to send this law officer on his way. He later became a close friend of the family. Much like everyone who has ever crossed paths with grandpa. It just isn’t summer without okra.”

Wrong. It just isn’t summer without watermelon.

The writer’s grandpa sounds wonderful, though I wonder if he could have pulled off the same folksy magic with the entire Task Force. Maybe. Seems like a guy who might have treats for the dog. Send some coffee up to the fellas in the whirlybird!

Because those whirlybirds are tricky things. “An expert with 17 years of experience” in just such a chopper identified a plot of “100,000 marijuana plants” in a Dallas suburb, and triggered a SWAT raid on a commune called The Garden of Eden. Doors were broken down, semi-automatic rifles were flourished, and around 20 people were cuffed and held for 10 hours.

I know what you’re thinking – okra, right? Nope. Tomatillos. You’ll know them by their modest green foliage and… undivided leaves.

In Orlando, Florida, two dozen sheriff’s deputies cuffed a couple and made them lie facedown in their yard. Because elderberries. (Look for thick green foliage and undivided leaves.)

In Bel Aire, Kansas, the Sunflower State, officers thought they spotted marijuana in the yard of a former mayor. They photographed the plants, showed the DA, and a judge gave them a search warrant. Ten cops went through the house, searching closets and drawers, taping everything, and eventually um well this is awkward – really? – those are sunflowers? Really? Sunflowers? Must take another look at the state flag. (Thick green foliage and large undivided leaves.)

There’s more. Bursting in with guns shouting “Down on the floor! Down on the floor!”, task force commander says “it’s an unfortunate thing”, but doesn’t apologize? Houston, hibiscus.

Holding four people at gunpoint, helicopter, no warrant, kicking dog, year later homeowner still in database as narcotics offender, $40,000 settlement? Austin, ragweed.

When I was in high school, a local police officer was mocked when a) he confiscated some plants as evidence of marijuana cultivation, b) the residents told the newspaper those were tomato plants, and c) his amused wife told the newspaper he ought to have known better because they had tomatoes growing at their own house.

Forget all this stupid military-grade weaponry and occupying-army tactics. I detect a market niche for police botanists.

CSI Arboretum. It’s time to stop and identify the roses.