Look, it’s not like we’re gonna be funnier than Stephen Colbert. Please enjoy this footage of the gentleman from South Carolina parodying Toronto mayor Rob Ford’s apology for smoking crack. (Sorry about the autoplay, and sorry you have to sit through 1:09 about the NYC mayoral election.)
And here’s our more sober [sic] take.
We’ve read a passel of Canadian newspaper stories and watched videos of Ford’s long-in-coming admission of cracktastitude and we’re still looking for the apology. The Toronto Star quoted him thusly: “Yes, I’ve made mistakes. All I can do now is apologize and move on.” As for his previous denials of his activities, he insisted, “I wasn’t lying. You didn’t ask the correct questions. No, I’m not an addict and no, I do not do drugs. I made mistakes in the past and all I can do is apologize, but it is what it is. And I can’t change the past and I can apologize to my family, my friends, my colleagues and the people of this great city.” The Globe and Mail had him saying, “I know I have let you down. And I can’t do anything else but apologize and apologize and I’m so sorry.”
Just as Ford semantically avoided answering earlier questions about smoking crack (he isn’t an addict! he’s not currently smoking! he didn’t lie! you just didn’t say “simon says” when you asked the question! change your Facebook picture to a camel!), here he semantically avoids an actual apology. He “can” apologize; he “can’t do anything else but” apologize — but what he has not done is actually, you know…APOLOGIZE.
Look though you might, you will find no simple, heartfelt “I deceived you. I need to be honest with myself, my family and the city that elected me. I did a terrible thing.” You will find no proposal for making things right — just the airy promise that you’re welcome to vote him out of office next year if you don’t like them apples. (Though it’s hard to keep up with this story — today a new video surfaced in which an “extremely inebriated” Ford rages and threatens to kill an unnamed someone. I still wouldn’t bet on a sincere apology, but since fellow politicians have amplified the drumbeat urging him to step down and #inoneofmydrunkenstupors and #inadrunkenstupor are extremely popular hashtags in Canada, Ford may have to throw an “I need help” Hail Mary pass soon.)
Colbert’s version is not only hilarious, but also pinpoints the flaws of this apology perfectly (minus the mallet) (that we know of) — there’s no sense of repentance, humility or open-heartedness. It’s all “FINE, you GOT ME, I was in a DRUNKEN STUPOR, I could not possibly convey my SORRYNESS.”
No, Mr. Ford, you could not.
Rob Ford strikes again, this time with an even more dick-ish apology, to Daniel Dale from the Toronto Star. Though it was less dickish then the unabashedly sarcastic “apology” to City Councillors for calling them corrupt.
Backstory: Rob Ford wanted to buy an adjacent chunk of City Park to make his personal property bigger. Daniel Dale went to the public property to take a look, and take some pictures for the story he was writing.
Rob Ford comes out, and accuses him of peering over his fence, and threatens him. He then proceeds ask Toronto police to arrest Dale. They look over the available evidence, including footage from Ford’s security cameras, and decline to press charges.
This all happened months ago, and blows over, because, crack…
Then in his infinite wisdom, during an interview with Conrad Black (who is an entirely different fun story) Decides to say this:
Black asked the mayor about the most “offensive events” that have been “perpetrated” on him or his family by the media. Ford didn’t hesitate to bring up the Dale incident.
“I have little kids. When a guy’s taking pictures of little kids, I don’t want to say that word, but you starting thinking you know, what’s this guy all about,” Ford said. “And I
just lost it.”
Ford had the chance to explain over several days, and even more forcefully re-iterated the comments. Dale was “peeking into his house” or “peering over the fence”, when Ford’s own security footage told a different story.
Daniel Dale at this point, said “Fuck it, I can’t have this, I’m suing for libel and defamation”
http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/12/12/daniel-dale-rob-ford-sue_n_4435521.html?utm_hp_ref=canada
All he demanded was a full retraction and apology. This is what he got…
Rob Ford’s “apology”
http://www.thestar.com/news/city_hall/2013/12/17/rob_fords_apology_to_daniel_dale_read_the_full_text.html
“I want to take this opportunity to clarify my comments made in an interview with Conrad Black and to apologize to Daniel Dale for the way in which the media has interpreted my statements.”
— It wasn’t me, it was “the media”
“I did not mean to insinuate anything about Mr. Dale personally in my interview with Mr. Black. I certainly did not intend to suggest that he is a pedophile.”
— But that was exactly his intention, in fact he deliberately and obviously didn’t use the word, probably in the hopes that he could avoid being sued by doing everything but say the word. Luckily that is not how the law works.
Daniel Dale’s reaction:
http://www.thestar.com/news/city_hall/2013/12/17/daniel_dale_proceeding_with_a_defamation_lawsuit_against_rob_ford.html
thanks, matt! we have this one on our FB page — we often put stories we just want to share (without much commentary, because in this case, WHAT CAN ONE SAY) there.