So the mayor is mooching around the third floor of the parking garage – maybe he just parked, maybe he was getting into his car, how do I know? – and he sees a guy with his pants down, peeing off the third floor onto innocent Annapolis Maryland below. In broad daylight.
HEY says the mayor what are you DOING?!?!?
I am following the call of the wild!
QUIT THAT says the mayor. There’s a restroom on the ground floor!
[Expletive]! shouts the guy. He hops into his white Caddy.
The mayor can’t accept that, and he not only gets the car’s license, but gets the garage attendant not to let the Caddy out till the police come and the mayor can file a complaint. (Mayor’s quotes above are approximate.)
Guy denies it happened, swears he’s telling the truth. “If I had to follow the call of the wild, I would tell you,” he tells police. Guy maybe rattled by hearing police say something like “Hi, Mayor Cohen.” Mayor says he’ll be happy to testify.
The Vermilion Flycatcher might neglect to use the restroom on the ground floor, but it would not curse the mayor.
Guy turns out to be Richard Vermillion, 69. Charge is public urination, a criminal misdemeanor. Max penalty $1,000 fine, 90 days in jail.
That’s what happened. I’m surprised there was no charge of public drunkenness, but maybe that’s just the Vermillion personality. Then, wishing not to go to court, Vermillion made a deal. He wrote a public letter of apology, to be published in Annapolis’s Capital Gazette, and donated $1,000 to city beautification.
To Whom It May Concern:
I was recently visiting Annapolis for the day. Because nature called too quickly, I urinated off the side of the Hillman Parking Garage. What I did was unacceptable and an insult to the city.
I would like to apologize to the City of Annapolis for what occurred. Because of my inappropriate acts, I am donating $1,000 to the MainStreets Annapolis Partnership (MAP) to be used in any way they deem appropriate to assist in the beautification of Annapolis.
My apologies to Annapolis.
Richard Vermillion
The mayor, Josh Cohen, said he was pleased with the outcome, which saved court time. “I understand everybody has bad days and things go wrong, but I wanted Mr. Vermillion to acknowledge that what he’s done is wrong.”
Albert Bierstadt’s “Call of the Wild.” Resentful of suggestions to use the restroom on the ground floor, but not actually in a parking garage.
“My client loves the city of Annapolis and agrees he should apologize for what occurred,” said Vermillion’s lawyer, Sam Brown. He also indicated that Vermillion did not want to talk about the incident any further. “I have an upstanding client — a good person — and things happen.”
Don’t they? Right? There you are, happily peeing into space, and some guy gets up in your grill so you flash a literary allusion, curse him out, and lay rubber, and he TRAPS YOU and CALLS THE COPS and oh hell HE’S THE MAYOR.
The letter of apology is directed to the public, which is good, because the public is injured when public places stink of urine. It’s an okay apology, though he does try to put some of the blame on nature. I don’t really want details about how he’ll keep from doing this again.
Celadon urine bottle, 251 AD. During China’s Three Kingdoms (220-280 AD), no Cadillac was without one of these useful containers.
Vermillion doesn’t apologize to Mayor Cohen, who in addition to having his city smirched was cursed at and subjected to inappropriate literary references (there are no parking garages in The Call of the Wild. Peeing is not discussed.). But Cohen seems to be okay with it.
I realize that this was not an efficient use of Mayor Cohen’s time, but I like the idea of mayors across America tackling stinky-making scofflaws. Here in San Francisco, I would draw Mayor Lee’s attention to the smell in certain BART stations where he would be welcome to loiter with his police friends.
Susan, your captioning prowess knows no peer. (The word “peer” contains the word “pee,” but that’s an accident on my part. Much like peeing off a parking garage. Also, why did he not pee in a corner like a normal person? [Or so I am told. A normal male person who is drunk and lacking in inhibition and civility. Me, I would need a funnel.] Why would he pee OFF the garage onto the city of Annapolis?
> Why would he pee OFF the garage onto the city of Annapolis?
Because it’s there.
I forgot the close-parens. I was overcome. I apologize.
I’d like to invite this mayor not only to SF (and to the entrance of the Library on Larkin), but to pretty much every train station in Glasgow. I am reminded of the day the trains were in strike, and I was stuck in the Edinburgh Central Station, and we had to take buses… and a man was annoyed that there were no toilets on the buses, so proceeded to PEE AGAINST THE WALL BEHIND ME. And I was down-hill of him.
*draws veil*
It was a meh apology. Is that mitigated by $1k?
At my age, when you gotta go you gotta go. Like, NOW. But even with only a few minutes leeway before suffering Tycho Brahe’s fate, I have never been unable to find a restroom, a tree, an alley, an empty water bottle, the bay, a storm drain, a war criminal’s memorial, etc. People need to use a little creativity.