Here’s a problem: how to talk about an apology embodied in a long, arch, ornate, annoying poem without making people read the long, arch, ornate, annoying text. Because that would be annoying.

Excerpts? Summaries and excerpts? We’ll try.

The poem is “Lines Addressed to a Lady, as an Apology for Not Accepting Her Invitation to a Ball.”

See?

It’s by C. Clement Moore. More about him later. The poem is dated 1844. It can be found in Moore’s “Poems,” a book which is deservedly hard to find.

The plot is that he has been invited to a ball. He dreams about a “friendly” fairy who predicts dire punishments if he goes to the ball. Yes, because the fairy will make sure of it.

Verse One – Fashion is a boss who rules with “despotic sway o’er old and young, o’er wise as well as fools.” The throng obeys, even “though Heav’n pronounce it wrong.”

Verse Two – But Moore is not fashionable. He will explain. “A right which guiltiest criminals may claim; E’en they who fly not at a Lady’s call, And dare withstand the attraction of a ball.” (Ooh, burn.)

Verse Three – Stories about fairy rings that pinch you if you’re bad? True! “Nor think these stories false because they’re old, But true as this which soon I will unfold.”

Verse Four – He sleeps, and sees a tiny glowing talkative bossy fairy who lays down the law. No parties. The fairy is an enforcer. “To me ’tis giv’n your virtue to secure/From custom’s force and pleasure’s dangerous lure.”

The fairy likes: virtue and wisdom. The fairy dislikes: folly, dissipation’s giddy round, gaudy scenes, rejoicing in that crap. If Moore gives in to giddy gaudy folly, the fairy will inflict “listlessness… aches… qualms.” (A hangover, right?) If that doesn’t work, Moore can expect those dire punishments: “Disgust, and fretfulness, and secret dread. Unmeaning forms shall swim before your eyes, wild as the clouds which float in vernal skies.” (A BAD hangover? Maybe even DTs? Moore should definitely stay hydrated.)

Verse Five – Exit fairy. Moore follows the fairy’s advice, but people get annoyed. “Complaining friendship’s frown I oft endure.” Don’t be that Lady!

Not pardon for my fault I hope to find;

But humbly pray, you’ll change to one more kind

The threaten’d sentence, cruel as ’tis hard,

To lose forever your benign regard.

We don’t care what the title says – that’s not an apology. He’s not sorry, he doesn’t ask pardon. He says that the reason he doesn’t accept her invitation is that her party is… not virtuous. If he went to her wicked/evil/sinful/fashionable party, he too would be wicked/evil/sinful and he would have such a headache. But don’t be mad! Fairies! It’s a poisoned apology.

We would be surprised if anyone had invited Moore to an actually sinful party. Still, people shouldn’t have to go to parties if they don’t like parties. A simple, “No thank you” or “No thank you, I’m not comfortable at parties” should do the job. It’s not necessary to write 70 lines about FAIRIES SAY YOUR PARTIES ARE EVIL.

A Mr. William Bard wrote an answer poem. Shorter, less ornate, still arch. Bard regrets that “dear Clem” is vexed at night “[b]y some uncourtly angry spright…” But what’s so wrong about dancing? Homer says the gods danced. That surly fairy sounds like a phony.

This Sylph who plagues you thus by night

Must surely be some surly spright,

Or e’en no spright at all;

No good objection can he find

To mirth with innocence combined.

Nor even to a Ball.

See you tomorrow, Clem!

More about Moore. He’s famous as the supposed — and, eventually, self-proclaimed – author of the famous poem “A Visit from St. Nicholas.” You know, “’Twas the night before Christmas” etc. But maybe he didn’t write it. It first appeared anonymously in 1823, and Moore didn’t claim it till 1844. Don Foster, an expert on literary forensics who wrote “Author Unknown: Tales of a Literary Detective,” is among those who argue it was actually written by Major Henry Livingston, Jr. We find Foster’s argument convincing, if only because it’s hard to see the same person writing about “visions of sugar-plums” – whatever those are – and “Disgust, and fretfulness, and secret dread.”

There is no dispute about “Lines Addressed to a Lady” – no one else ever wanted the credit for that one.