Brian Pallister is a Canadian politician in the Manitoba Legislative Assembly. Recently, after question period at the Legislative Building in Winnipeg, he extended holiday greetings to many, for the benefit of Natalie Pollock, blogger and cable-access performer.

“You celebrate the birth of Humphrey Bogart?”

In Pollock’s video, he smiles, peering down into the camera. “I want to wish everyone a really, really merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, all the holidays – all you infidel atheists out there, I want to wish you the very best also. I don’t know what you celebrate during the holiday season, I myself celebrate the birth of Christ, but it’s your choice, and I respect your choice. If you want to celebrate nothing, and just get together with friends, that’s good, too. All the best!”

As an infidel atheist, I think that’s kind of sweet. Though it’s a bit worrying that Pallister, born in 1954, is such a wide-eyed naif. (What do they do? How the heck do ya celebrate nothing?) If he was my representative, I’d like him to be more informed. But most legislators never mention nonbelievers at all.

But do you believe in shopping like a cloud of locusts?

Seems to me Pallister was honestly wishing nonbelievers a happy holiday. Doing it off the cuff, he didn’t stop to consider his vocabulary. Like him, I think of infidel as a synonym for nonbeliever. But that’s only one of its meanings – it’s always such a bad sign when one of the dictionary definitions is labeled “Offensive.” So yeah, different words would have been ideal. (Could have been worse, though. Heathens? No. Pagans? Naw. Doomed heretics? NO NO NO.)

Gem Newman, of Winnipeg Skeptics, was also amused. Somewhat. He told the Winnipeg Sun that the word “infidel” didn’t bother him. “It troubles me more that he says atheists don’t believe in anything. The claim seems to imply that the only thing one can believe in is religion.”

Others were crosser. Donna Harris, of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics of Manitoba said, “My initial reaction was disappointment and feeling a little insulted. The word infidel does have a negative connotation.” She added, “there are many countries around the world where being a nonbeliever, or infidel, may possibly be a death sentence.” (Yeah, but would “atheist” be any more popular? Also, Canada is not one of those countries.)

I’m claiming that some people were mildly peeved. Still, people were talking about it. (Subtext: what a dodohead.) New Democratic Party acting Premier Jennifer Howard advised loftily, “It is 2013. It is possible to say to somebody ‘have a good holiday’ without insulting their belief structure.” Reporters were asking about it.

Then Pallister started apologizing. Sort of.

Pallister said the media “torqued” what he said and “misrepresented” him by suggesting that infidel isn’t a nice thing to call people. (Aha: THE MEDIA TWISTED MY WORDS.)

“I’m always disappointed when people misrepresent the meaning of the words. What I was trying to do there was include everyone in my best wishes over the holidays. Very often what we do is we say ‘Merry Christmas,’ or we say something that limits our expression of well wishes to just people of faith.” (I AM SADDENED AND DISAPPOINTED BY THE FOLLY OF MY CRITICS.)

When he said “infidel” he simply meant “nonbeliever.”

“I used a word that means what it means. Look it up in Webster’s,” said Pallister. “It’s a word that is used by some, I don’t think as much in Canada, but used elsewhere in an inflammatory way and that wasn’t my intention.” (CAN’T YOU READ?)

When reporters asked if he regretted using the word infidel, he said, “I regret any time there’s a reaction like this.” He also regrets being misrepresented. (I’M SORRY – YES, SORRY THAT YOU OVEREREACTED.)

“So I guess when I say things and I put ammunition into their hands it obviously makes me regret having said them. That being said, I just ask that people in Manitoba… forgive me at this time of year if they think that I have stepped on their toes, but I sincerely just meant to include everyone in my best wishes.” (SORRY YOU COULDN’T HANDLE GOOD MANNERS.)

Lousy apology. Aggrieved for the holidays!

I feel bad for Pallister, who was trying to broaden his horizon of goodwill, and did it clumsily. I would like to satisfy his curiosity about what infidel atheists actually celebrate at the holidays. But unfortunately nonbelievers are too diverse a group. Herding atheists is worse than herding cats, because cats share at least some beliefs (it’s funny when things fall off tables, there’s nothing like relaxing in a box, I am the most beautiful creature present wherever I go). There is no one belief structure.

Emil Norlander buying glögg in 1916. By no means the first salvo in the Eggnog Wars.

Some of us celebrate just as Palliser guessed, getting together with friends. Some of us catch a show. Some of us stay in and plot the overthrow of kingdoms. Some of us bundle up and, crying Ho ho ho, go out and attach cardinals to holly branches for a nondenominational festive effect (the cardinals hate this part). And just like believers, we divide into hostile factions, and attack each other over the question of eggnog.

What is the question of eggnog? You don’t know? Wow….

It’s complicated, but I’d be happy to explain it to you when we have more space. Basically it comes down to whether you’re one of the good, kind, intelligent people, or whether you’re one of the petty, self-centered, oxygen-wasting types who make us regret that there is no Hell.