On the heels of Representative Pete Hansen‘s charming apologies for referring to women as vaginas (or rather, “vagina’s,” since he’s as awesome at grammar as he is at non-misogyny), and former Governor Mark Sanford’s “apology tour” (an effort to remake himself as a viable post-scandal “did-I-say-Hike-the-Appalachian-Trail”-I-misspoke-I-meant-“Hit-some-Argentine-tail” candidate for Congress) (though in a refreshing departure for him, he’s recently refused to apologize for repeatedly trespassing on his ex-wife’s property, saying, “It’s an unfortunate reality that divorced couples sometimes have disagreements that spill over into family court” and “I did indeed watch the second half of the Super Bowl at the beach house with our 14-year-old son because, as a father, I didn’t think he should watch it alone”), let’s celebrate the astonishing length of this sentence by looking back at a classic political apology!
Don’t cry for me Argentina.
OK, it’s fake, and it’s by Paul Rudnick, one of the funniest humans on the planet.
But it is a template all fallen politicians can embrace! Actually, they already do. From The New Yorker’s Shouts and Murmurs column in 2011, but utterly timeless, please sample the apology of senior alderman Walter K. Heblinger of the East Chemply, PA Town Board of Overseers:
“I also deeply regret the fact that my wife’s newly purchased floral linen duvet is visible in the photo, beneath an inflatable sex doll that is wearing, to my further regret, my wife’s wedding dress, a cowboy hat, and a ball gag.”
That may be my favorite nugget. Or no, maybe this:
“At this point, I would also like to apologize to my lovely teen-age daughter, Jessica, for leaving messages on the Facebook pages of her best friends Haley, Ellyn, and Jilleen, using the name Jag Bronco, who I claimed was a quarterback and a triple-extreme snowboarder from a nearby middle school. I’m sorry that, as Jag, I also invited each girl to prom and sent all three a photo of my actual genitals, with the advisory ‘My genitals look older than the rest of me because of all the wear and tear from my triple-extreme snowboarding.'”
Don’t make me choose. Go read the whole thing.
Never apologize, never explain. Mock.
