A minor actor opted to dress as Sid Vicious for Halloween, in a t-shirt with a swastika on it.

Harry.

People were distressed.

The minor actor’s wife, who was dressed as Sid’s girlfriend and murder victim Nancy Spungen, apologized.

No.

Here is why her apology was bad.

1. One does not get to apologize on behalf of someone else if that person is physically capable of apologizing for himself. (You may apologize for a 15-month-old having a meltdown in the produce aisle.) Harry Hamlin is a grown man. And his wife’s costume was not the source of the outcry (though dressing as a murder victim is certainly tacky). Rinna’s apology is pointless, and also annoying, because it actually points out her spouse’s lack of apology.

Please.

2. “If”? Can you not, with the “if”? I cannot even with “if.” I so cannot even I am ACTUALLY CHANNELING MY 14-YEAR-OLD. And now I’m going to channel Yoda: Hurt or hurt not. There is no if.

In plain English: If even one person has said her or she is hurt, then you have hurt someone. Your “if” makes no sense. It makes even less sense in the context of Rinna’s next sentence: “It hurt and angered many of you.” Rinna knows her husband caused hurt and anger, so the preceding “if” is nonsensical. An “if” in an apology is a source of distance, of half-assedness, of shrug. As we’ve noted many times here, “if” does not belong in an apology.

3. Oh, you were being “authentic”! Mazel tov! Your actorly commitment to truth is super-noble and admirable. Again, this is a way of NOT APOLOGIZING, of implying that those who were offended are enemies of ART. Guess what. Sid wore many things that were not a Nazi shirt. A fetching leopard-print vest. Vomit spatter. A “Vive le Rock” tee. WHY DID YOU NOT CARVE THE WORDS “GIMME A FIX” INTO YOUR CHEST WITH A RAZOR, HARRY HAMLIN? WHERE IS YOUR METHOD NOW?

4. There actually was a potential for education here, one that the Clash of the Titans star might have explored. I’ve heard that anti-Nazi British punks wore backwards swastikas. Is this true? Educate me, Jim Cutler! (Sid’s swastika was a plain old non-backwards swastika, though, what with him being a provocateur and an asshole. A guy who sang “Belsen was a Gas” was not flaunting his anti-Nazi bona fides.) If you’re so punk rock, tell me about anti-fascist punk costumes you could have whipped up if you were smarter. Or hey, avail yourself of the chance to respond to the annoying people who whine “It’s a Saaaaaanskrit symbol! It’s sacred to Buuuuuudhists and Hiiiiiindus! It deserves to be reclaaaaiiiiiiiimed!” Read up on the symbol’s history and tell the world you’ve come to a conclusion: What with the whole 20th century non-Sanskrit genocide business, a post-World-War-II swastika on a white dude is a provocation, just as Sid meant it to be.

If you’d worn these costumes everyone would have thought you were awesome.