We are entering a golden age of the police report, possibly led by the Arcata Eye’s justly famous example.

Skimming a Lebanon, Oregon public record summary in search of apology, I got distracted by the pirate festival.

Strawberry Princess Martha White, at Buckhannon, West Virginia, Strawberry Festival.

Lebanon’s a small town on the South Santiam River, and its Wikipedia entry makes no mention of a pirate festival. Just an old-fashioned strawberry festival in June, with a parade, a strawberry court, and the “World’s Largest Shortcake.”

Wikipedia doesn’t know or doesn’t care to say that Lebanon also now features a pirate festival. I checked this with an Oregonian. Were we meant to believe pirates had ever sailed up the Columbia, turned up the Willamette, then up the Santiam, and then up the South Santiam? The Oregonian said pirate festivals need no stinking historical pretext. “They’re an excuse to drink rum and shout while you’re dressed up.”

Thus the entry “5:01 p.m. A very intoxicated man was asked to leave the pirate festival. The man then snuck back in to the festival. Police trespassed the 23-year-old man from Cheadle Park and gave him a courtesy ride to Walmart.”

Bet he was shouting.

Pirate festival in Vallejo, California. If shouting has been delegated to the macaw, everyone’s in trouble.

“Trespassed” seems to translate to “We told him he was banned from the premises and would be trespassing if he stayed.” Or “We kicked him out and told him not to come back.” This is a peculiar new meaning for the word, apparently law enforcement jargon. Neal Whitman points out on Visual Thesaurus that this means that one could now proclaim “Trespassers Will Be Trespassed”.

The courtesy ride to Walmart is kind of fascinating. Are they using it as the local drunk tank?

That was a Friday, so probably there’s no connection with the 7:41 Monday notation that “A suspect in pirate clothing allegedly stole a crock pot, cook stove, and a woman’s knit T-shirt fromWalmart.”

This is not how I would advise dressing to operate a ship, but it is common attire for female pirate festival participants.

Although there are also reports over the weekend of illicit camping in a field, of a hunting knife being left on someone’s porch, and of a 30-pack of beer being stolen from Walmart. Easy to assemble those into a pirate encampment.

SorryWatch has been unable to find much crime associated with the Strawberry Festival, except that people do steal chairs brought for parade viewing. A purse was stolen from a stroller at the fairground during the festival. But no reports of drunkards clad as fruit being trespassed. (Wait, wow, forget the UFO report, a pack of 20 Chihuahuas was loose at the intersection of South Seventh and West D?)

What about the apology?

8:25 p.m. A vehicle with a broken headlight drove into a flower bed in the 1300 block of E. Grant. St. The driver apologized and moved the vehicle.

The police were there (noticing the broken headlight), so I like to think they ensured the apology was a good one. None of that “You shouldn’t plant your flowers right next to the road like that” or “I didn’t see your pansies because they’re so wilted,” or “Sorry if your marigolds can’t handle a little traffic.”

Yeah, avast that.