On Tuesday, TMZ published a snippet of security video taken over the weekend of tiny Kabbalist Ariana Grande secretively licking donuts on the counter of Wolfee Donuts in Lake Elsinore, CA. While the store’s sole working employee is off fetching donut replenishments, the wee cat-ear-wearing celebrity and her boyfriend dare each other to lick donuts. Then they make out. When the employee returns with a delicious fresh tray of deep-fried goodness, Grande exclaims “What the fuck is that? I hate Americans. I hate America.”

Here’s the video.

Grande compounded her spittle-coated sins by releasing a truly terrible apology on the Twitters.

I am EXTREMELY proud to be an American and I’ve always made it clear that I love my country. What I said in a private moment with my friend, who was buying the donuts, was taken out of context and I am sorry for not using more discretion with my choice of words. As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole. The fact that the United States has one of the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me.  We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies.  We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should have known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better. As for why I cannot be at the MLB show, I have had emergency oral surgery and due to recovery I cannot attend the show. I hope to make it up to all those fans soon. That being said let me once again apologize if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.

Why is this apology terrible? Oh come on, you know. She doesn’t apologize for what she did. She starts off with a rant about the food industry and piggy Americans, calls out for an end to obesity and food-industry reform, and then apologizes “if I have offended anyone with my poor choice of words.” Not for, y’know, LICKING DONUTS. (And you know how we feel about “sorry if.” Also, “taken out of context.” In what context is it nifty to lick donuts that are then going to be sold to the public? Oh wait, she never apologizes for coating the donuts with her Kabbalistic saliva.)

Also, it is unclear how you can love America and hate donuts.

At least Rob Lowe was amusing about this abysmal apology?

Grande’s fans (her “babes,” in their vernacular, and now I sound like Rob Lowe’s grandpa) were supportive, but the universe generally, not so much. (Grande has behaved poorly in then past and is not widely adored.) Local police and public health officials announced that they were investigating the musculatory hydrostatic incident. The donut store owner noted that the complete footage indicated that Grande spat on the powdered donuts and licked the frosted donuts, FYI. But business tripled after the incident, so that’s good? (Presumably they are selling non-Grande-anointed donuts now. I hope the counter employee, who told her manager that Grande was “rude” and kept sending her into the back to get fresher donuts — probably so that the counter would be unattended and therefore afford more licking opportunities — will sell the tainted donuts on eBay to some saliva-donut-fondling fetishist.)

Yesterday, in a follow-up video called “sorry babes,” Ariana actually apologized for her actions, though again, not very well. She did apologize for what she did, but did not, in fact, mention what that was. (She called it “the whole donut fiasco,” rather than what Defamer accurately described in a headline as “Demon Popstar Ariana Grande Contaminates Donuts With Her Hellish Tongue.”) A good apology names the sin.

The video has since been taken down, but it begins with Grande saying that she’s apologizing “again” for the “craziness” (no, she isn’t, because she didn’t apologize the first time, and SAY WHAT YOU DID, NOT ITS EFFECTS). She then says, quite well, that “I missed my opportunity to actually sincerely apologize and express how I was feeling because I was too busy preaching about my issues with the food industry, which is, like, not, I feel, like, relative.” Then she says she was trying to “get you to understand where I was coming from, but that’s not important.” No, it isn’t, so don’t bring it up. She notes that “seeing a video of yourself behaving poorly that you had no idea was being taken is such a rude awakening,” which still kind of sounds as though she’s resentful about the video surfacing rather that sorry about what she did on the video. And wait, she had to SEE herself licking donuts to know it was wrong to lick donuts?

Moving on: She says, “it wasn’t me, at all,” cousin to the Bad Apology Bingo phrase “this is not who I am.” Yes it is, because YOU DID IT. Then she says “I apologize for my poor choice of words and for my behavior.” What behavior was that, Ariana? SAY IT. OWN IT. Finally, she notes, “It has not been an easy 24 hours. It’s been rough. But y’know, I made a mistake and I’m being judged for it, which I understand…I get it. 100%.” WAH WAH WAH MAYBE YOU CAN BORROW JEREMY RENNER’S TINY VIOLIN.

Finally: “I’m 22 years old, I’m human. I still got a lot to learn and I make mistakes.” Gee, I think most of us know not to lick other people’s food when we are two or three years old. But probably those children are super-advanced, and can walk on their own.

PS. “Relevant.” Not “relative.”