The ever-delightful Lindy West posted a roundup on Jezebel today of over-the-top peevish responses to the re-election of Barack Obama.

One was a letter to Queen Elizabeth, posted on the web site of Free Republic by one Edwin R. Williams:

Your Majesty,

We, the people of the former American colonies, would like to offer our most sincere apology over that little misunderstanding we had 236 years ago. Had we known that we were going to be subjects anyway, we could have saved a lot of trouble and hard feelings.

We were under the mistaken belief that we would be free, sovereign citizens; we believed that our hard work would yield its own rewards without someone coming along and taking what we built in the name of “Fairness”. We thought our laws and Constitution would protect us from a foreign born dictator, and our freedom to worship would prevent us from becoming a corrupt, morally bankrupt society (silly us).

Little did we know that our own free press would intentionally sabotage, deceive and withhold the truth from us in order to reelect a Socialist that still holds distain for our nation and contempt for its founding principles. Nor did we believe that there would be so many citizens dependent on government handouts that they would blindly elect an unqualified charlatan, let alone reelect him.

Anyway, Your Grace, we are truly sorry and humbly sincerely beg your forgiveness. If you can find it in your heart to forgive us and take us back, we promise never to trade British oppression for Socialist tyranny again.

Your most humble servants,

The American People

West’s reaction:

Yes. Enjoy your socialized medicine, human genius.

Our reaction:

Let us take the apology seriously for a moment. Williams does not actually have the authority or right to apologize for the American people. Even if a majority of Americans had not voted for Barack Obama, Williams was not deputized to speak for anyone except himself.  (He cannot even speak for Free Republic, given its terms of service: “Opinions expressed on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Free Republic or its operators.”) We can only apologize for ourselves and for those we represent, not those whom we presume to represent. (That’s why governments can apologize for actions of previous governments…though they don’t always apologize well.) One might add that Mr Williams owes it to himself as well as to the Queen to be factually correct. (Obama is a “foreign born dictator”? Hawaii does seem like another land from over here in snowy NYC, but I am pretty sure it is a state.) He should also explain in what way the press intentionally sabotaged the election — again, a good apology makes clear exactly what one is apologizing for.

Williams does demonstrate lovely manners by putting the period outside the quotation marks. (“Fairness”.) This is the way they do things across the pond, though in America this is what we call “a mistake.” Williams no doubt punctuated his sentence this way consciously, to demonstrate to the Queen the depth of his desire to be British. The neologism “distain” is obviously a combination of “stain” and “dismay,” similar to my own daughter’s coinage of “disastrophe” (she was three at the time).

As we’ve discussed many times on this site, it’s not enough to say you’re sorry. You have to make amends. Mr. Williams should find a way to do that, perhaps by paying the Queen all the back taxes Americans would have owed since 1776. And maybe by purchasing all the PG Tips from every stockist (that’s BRITISH LANGUAGE) in this marijuana-toking, gay-marriage-loving, Kenyan-electing socialist hellhole. And possibly even by buying a handsome monument for Monty, the corgi who appeared in the opening ceremony of the London Olympics with the Queen and Daniel Craig and who recently shuffled off this mortal doggy coil. Feel free to suggest other ways Mr Williams could make his apology meaningful, since he cannot make it personal, in the comments.