I write from a place thronged with icebergs. Little, big, massive icebergs. Grand, silly. Beautiful, peculiar. Sometimes adorned with wildlife. It’s a place where there’s an iceberg rule: don’t approach closer than three times the height of the iceberg. Something might fall off it onto you. (Hey, something might leap off it onto you – awkward for both parties.) Or it might suddenly turn over and swamp your boat. Icebergs should be treated seriously.
Honestly? Not a berg, a floe. (It broke off shore ice, not from a glacier.)
Here at SorryWatch, we aim to be honest about icebergs. Yet history shows some people love to lie about icebergs.
Some bergs, some floes.
Icebergs are classic subject matter for April Fools’ Day hoaxes and media stories.
In 1978 an Australian businessman, Dick Smith, issued a series of announcements that he was having an iceberg towed up from Antarctica. For funsies. He would moor it in the harbor near the Opera House, cut it into ice cubes, and sell them for ten cents each.
He’d been talking about snagging an iceberg for some time, for the benefit of towns with water shortages. (Apparently his electronics and food businesses weren’t occupying all his time.) But people said it wouldn’t work.
Iceberg
One day in April, something large and white appeared in the harbor, being towed by a barge. Many people who spotted it called newspapers and radio stations saying they saw… an ICEBERG?! (Also placing such calls: many of Dick Smith’s employees.) Yes indeed, said Smith. Get ready to buy the ice cubes he called “Dicksicles.” He gave free ice cubes to boaters who drew near. The Navy called and said they could help him moor his berg. People crowded the headlands for a view.
AMAZING!
Then, oh woe, April showers. Which washed the fire-fighting foam and shaving cream off the big white tarps covering another barge, and revealed there was no iceberg at all. And oh, it was April First.
Shame.
Smith said the deal cost him just $1,450 and was entertaining. And he still hoped to import an actual berg.
In 2015 the periodical Lake Travis Lifestyle ran a story by Todd Hower ballyhooing good news: “Early this morning, the Lower Colorado River Authority (LCRA) settled an agreement with the Northern Atlantic Iceberg Authority (NAIA) for the purchase and transport of an iceberg to Lake Travis.”
http://laketravislifestyle.com/lake-travis-full-for-4th-of-july-weekend/
Drought had brought Lake Travis down to about 35% of normal. Bare shores, stranded docks, restrictions for water users, including downstream farmers.
The story had intriguing details about the iceberg selection process, and said there were 3 candidates on the short list. The lucky winner would be towed to Galveston and helicoptered to Lake Travis. “[T]iming should be perfect for the melting iceberg to fill up the lake and have 100% of the public boat ramps open by 4th of July weekend.”
Iceberg being upstaged by gentoo penguin.
The story also said you should make your reservations now to watch the iceberg delivery while drinking a margarita! Now! Today! April First.
Oh. Pity.
I liked the comments on this story. Most readers caught on right away, but not all. (Who’s paying for this?) Some said it wasn’t funny, because the drought was serious. (Yes, I know drought is serious. I’m from California. We joke through parched lips.) Some were just sad it wasn’t true. Todd Hower made sure everyone knew it wasn’t true. Some calculated the number of Chinook helicopters it would take to make the iceberg fly (70,540,225). And one asked “What about the fish???”
It was in this great tradition that the San Luis Obispo Tribune apparently ran an April 1, 2010 story breaking the news that a company was going to tow an iceberg to the area from Homer, Alaska.
Icebergs. I think even the one with the penguin tracks on it.
I say “apparently” because I have not been able to find that story. What I found was a July 29 story that seems to be apologizing for that story. While telling it again.
The story, by John Brannon, is headlined “My Turn: An apology – iceberg party canceled”. (This is probably not John Brannon of Negative Approach and Laughing Hyenas.)
“With the prospect of global warming becoming a reality in our country, it was a wonderful story that appeared in this space April 1. The long-held secret that a private corporation was going to attempt to bring an iceberg the size of Catalina Island to the Central Coast and anchor it just off the San Simeon shoreline was one of the most extraordinary events I ever hoped to write about.”
Switching tenses with a generous hand, he added, “Global warming be darned; there will be enough water to last for countless decades. We wouldn’t need no stinkin’ desal plant.”
Adélie penguins strolling among bergs.
The story had quasi-realistic details like the extensive process the corporation went through to evaluate the undertaking. It had figures about climate change around the world. But then it quoted one “Rod Divining,” an executive with the company raving about plans to build airstrips, hundreds of skating rinks, dog-sled racing with parimutuel betting, a motel of igloos, and ice-fishing holes for “homesick Minnesotans.”
The earlier story – if it existed – had promised a big party to greet the iceberg. But nix, nix. “Alas, there will be no celebration at San Simeon Cove….The global warming effect caused the iceberg to completely melt near the clothing-optional beach just south of San Francisco.”
I apologize for creating any sense of anticipation for the berg’s arrival. At least the clothing-optional beaches in this area didn’t have to suffer the chilling fate of those beaches on the coast.
Glacier, small iceberg in front.
It’s mysterious. Was there an April Fool’s Day story Brannon was told to retract? If so, what kind of a retraction repeats the whole story and adds a new fake detail (the iceberg melting near San Francisco)? Was there an April Fools’ story that fooled too many people? Maybe there never was an April Fool’s Day story about the iceberg. A July Fools story? That lacks even the usual excuse that everyone knows not to believe an April 1st story that sounds at all suspicious.
Nevertheless, I shall analyze. Lousy apology. Basically “Sorry if you believed me.” Doesn’t mention April Fools’ Day, despite the dateline/alleged dateline, phony name, and gratuitous nude beach. Minimizes.
As a public service SorryWatch warns you to carefully inspect iceberg stories that appear in very very early April.
Is towing an iceberg to a dry place so impossible? Not absolutely. There’s a nice NOAA page with animations of iceberg-tugging scenarios.
And praise Dick Smith, who didn’t just write about it. He actually went to the trouble of dummying up an iceberg. Way to hoax, sir.
That Dick Smith has some style!
When I lived in Scotland, they wanted to ship 7 million cubic meters of water per year in bags, but there was all sorts of uproar. I thought THAT was a hoax, but apparently Turkey put water in tankers to send. It seems the ice floe idea would work better, but there’s that pesky little melting issue…
California is absolutely getting dumped on by snow and rain; by the time you come back, we’ll be making water jokes with the best of them.