Jon Stewart was amusant last week in a report about the St. Louis Rams’s “Hands Up, Don’t Shoot” gesture.

We shall now weigh in with our analysis belatedly, as is our frequent wont. We are busy ladies.

The St. Louis County Police Association was SO SO HURT , YOU GUYS. Nonetheless, as Stewart enumerates, the Rams’ coach said the players wouldn’t be disciplined. But then the St. Louis Police Association announced that a Rams exec had called and apologized, so there. But then the Rams Exec VP said he had NOT apologized. He clarified to CNN, “I did say in each conversation that I regretted any offense their officers may have taken.” Then the @StLCountyPD tweeted a definition of apology: “Expression of regret.” Burn. Seemingly. Here’s Jon Stewart on the tempest in a twitbattle:

The thing is, the Rams are correct. They did not apologize. And Stewart is wrong in calling this brouhaha just “semantics.” Words have meaning.

An expression of regret is NOT an apology. Especially when the construction is “we regret that you were offended,” which is precisely what it was here. (Even a “sorry” in a “that you were offended” context is not an apology…but “regret” is even more clearly and emphatically not an apology.) The very first post on this blog (WE WERE SO YOUNG) pointed out the difference between regret and apologize. We should probably do an easily-searchable post that spells out every nuance of the difference (NOT SEMANTICS JON), but the short definition is that regret is internal and apology is external. Regret is about I. Regret is your own smooshy-inside-feelings about something you said or did. Apology, on the other hand, is about THOU. (Lookit me, bringing the Buber.) It’s about saying you’re sorry in an active, meaningful, gonna-make-it-right-Maimonidean-t’shuvah-for-all-my-Jews-in-the-house way. Regret looks inside; sorry reaches outward.

Saying “I regret any offense the officers may have taken” is everything we tell you not to do in one sentence. It is as crammed with SorryWatch don’ts as Rodger Saffold is packed with muscle. (I MADE A FOOTBALL REFERENCE.) It is passive-voiced. It’s clearly saying “too bad you feel that way,” rather than “I’m sorry I made you feel that way” (or better still “I’m sorry I did the specific thing that I will now name that made you feel that way.”) Also, “may have taken”? We know the police organization, which purports to speak for the officers, did take offense. There is no “may.” So saying “may” even FURTHER distances the Rams from anything resembling an apology. The Rams knew exactly what they were doing here, which was as Stewart said, being passive-aggressive. And, we’d add, NOT APOLOGIZING AT ALL.

Also, Merriam-Webster online is a stupid dictionary. Use a real dictionary, St. Louis Police Association. Let’s look at one now, like The Oxford English Dictionary, which has much longer entries because it’s not an autoclick for distractible young Internet weasels. The OED defines apology first as “a regretful acknowledgment of an offense of failure.” The word regret there tells you about tone, but see how it’s an ADJECTIVE? a MODIFIER? The important part is the noun: “acknowledgment of an offense or failure.” You did not get that from the Rams. The 1.1 definition is “a formal, public statement of regret, such as one issued by a newspaper, government or other organization” — nope, you didn’t get that either. A man-to-man phone call from a Rams dude (or maybe TO a Rams dude from a police dude, who knows) isn’t public. I’m not even gonna get into definition 1.2, 2 or 3, because they are not relevant. (But interesting! Words! Interesting!)

Stop trying to win the PR war, St. Louis PD. I don’t have a joke to make.

(I do, however, recommend following the St. Louis PD parody account on Twitter. They make a lot of good jokes. And people seem to think they are the real St. Louis PD Twitter account which leads to surreality. And Jon Stewart’s good too.)