Oh, Paris. You are known as the City of Light, for your illumination of the world with your art and ideas during the Age of Enlightenment. Or maybe that is for your early use of street lamps.

What am I, Wikipedia? In any case, your namesake, Paris Hilton, does not display any such shimmering brightness, whether Spinoza-esque or electrical-activity-based.

Ms. Hilton recently was recently recorded saying, “Gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They’re disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS…I would be so scared if I was a gay guy. You’ll like, die of AIDS.”

As Rich Juzwiak of Gawker points out, Ms. Hilton’s challenges with the subjunctive are nearly as great as her bigotry. But what to do maintenant? If only Ms. Hilton could pay someone to invent a time machine so she could go back to not say the words she said, back far enough even to learn tolerance as well as grammar. But this would probably cause some sort of rift in the space-time continuum (I watch TV) and cause Germany to win World War II, so maybe the best response would have been to say, “I’m sorry. I said really hateful, homophobic things. I have no excuse. Gay people must cope with the stereotypes I espoused and the insensitivity I showed every day of their lives, and attitudes like mine keep them from having full rights as citizens and human beings. I can’t apologize enough for contributing to a climate of hatred. I am going to make a giant donation to The Trevor Project and focus on learning about what disgustingness really is, as well as finding a good deep conditioner.”

Unfortunately, Ms. Hilton’s representation only made matters worse with an abysmal statement of clarification to Radar:

Paris Hilton’s comments were to express that it is dangerous for anyone to have unprotected sex that could lead to a life threatening disease. The conversation became heated, after a close gay friend told her in a cab ride, a story about a gay man who has AIDS and is knowingly having unprotected sex. He also discussed a website that encourages random sex by gay men with strangers. As she was being shown the website her comments were in reference to those people promoting themselves on the site. The cab driver who recorded this, only provided a portion of the conversation. It was not her intent to make any derogatory comments about all gays. Paris Hilton is a huge supporter of the gay community and would never purposefully make any negative statements about anyone’s sexual orientation.

To quote Seth and Amy: Really. Don’t even TRY. Let’s count the ways this is not an apology. 1. Some of my best friends are gay! 2. People with AIDS sometimes deserve it, if it’s sexually transmitted! 3. People who are whores in front of a camera should receive opprobrium! (Again. Really. HAVE A MIRROR MUCH?) 4. The meen cabby didn’t tell Paris she was being recorded! 5. The terms “disgusting” and “I’d be so scared if I was a gay guy; you’ll, like, die of AIDS” were totes taken out of context! (Because there exists some context in which those words are AWESOME!)

This was yesterday afternoon. At 11:15pm last nite, Ms. Hilton’s people tried again. This apology was posted on glaad‘s site.

As anyone close to me knows, I always have been and always will be a huge supporter of the gay community. I am so sorry and so upset that I caused pain to my gay friends, fans and their families with the comments heard this morning. I was having this private conversation with a friend of mine who is gay and our conversation was in no way towards the entire gay community. It is the last thing that I would ever want to do and I cannot put into words how much I wish I could take back every word.

HIV/AIDS can hurt anyone, gay and straight, men and women. It’s something I take very seriously and should not have been thrown around in conversation.

Gay people are the strongest and most inspiring people I know. It is so wrong when people bully or put down others for being gay. No one should have to go through that. Again, I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart and I feel absolutely horrible. I hope that everyone can accept my apology and know that it is not who I am or how I feel in any way.

Thank you for taking a minute to read this, I love you.

Well, let’s hope glaad got a nice chunk of change out of this. You certainly feel the advocacy group’s influence in the second graf. But someone should have proofed Ms. Hilton’s authentic-feeling second-to-last graf. Saying “it is not who I am or how I feel in any way”? Mistake. You said it. It is who you are and how you feel. Your job now is to analyze why that is, so you’ll actually learn how not to be that person. (Also, the word “private” should not be in the first paragraph. Just because no one was supposed to hear your homophobia doesn’t make it less homophobic. And you still have the “I have gay friends so I can’t be homophobic” thing going on. Look into that. And the word “entire” needs to go — again, the despicable sentiments you expressed only apply to part of the gay community? Not nice. This is precisely the bullying behavior you decry. You gotta own the sin if you’re gonna own the apology. Only this will lead to true enlightenment, ma petite.)

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