Jonathan Martin, second-year tackle for the Miami Dolphins, fled the team in October 2013, after relentless harassment and bullying. This was led by guard Richie Incognito, backed by other players on the offensive line, especially John Jerry and Mike Pouncey.

There was name-calling – “dirty Pakistani” being one of the odder ones – personal insults, ugly fantasies/insults about Martin’s sister and mother, ethnic slurs, and graphic sexual innuendo. There was taunting about what it would take to get Martin to “break.” Almost all of this was in front of other people. They also harassed another player and an assistant trainer, improvising on ethnic and sexual themes.

The team culture loudly opposed being a “snitch” or “Judas.” Players, especially Incognito, leveled “Judas fines” for getting other players in any kind of trouble. A system like this is convenient for bullying.

That’s the trouble with Twitter, where some of the subsequent action moved – everyone can SEE what you say! They might not understand.

In the ensuing scandal, the NFL commissioned an independent investigation, which produced a 148-page report. It’s full of stupid ugly details. I had to blast-sanitize my pixels after reading it.

Taunting started Martin’s rookie year. Martin tried to defuse Incognito’s aggression by befriending him. When it was just the two of them, they got along well. Only when there was an audience did it turn nasty.

Martin hoped it would stop when he was no longer a rookie. He tweeted right before the second season that he’d finished his last workout at Stanford, where he’d played before the NFL, “…Productive 10 weeks. Excited to get back to football.”

Incognito left Martin voicemail the next day, saying “Hey, wassup, you half-nigger piece of shit. I saw you on Twitter, you been training 10 weeks. I’ll shit in your fuckin’ mouth. I’m gonna slap your fuckin’ mouth, I’m gonna slap your real mother across the face. Fuck you, you’re still a rookie. I’ll kill you.”

Banter.

Harmless joshing. Team bonding! Which filled Martin with horror and despair. Taunting continued and escalated. The final straw was a grade-school insult. Martin arrived in the team cafeteria for dinner. As he was getting his food, Incognito called insults from a table where most of the offensive linemen were sitting. Martin told himself that if there was one more incident, he’d leave. When he sat at the table, Incognito had everyone get up and walk away.

Martin hurled his tray to the floor, left and checked into a hospital for psychological treatment.

A few days later, Incognito texted Martin. “How u doing buddy? Feeling better?? I miss us”

Martin replied, “Wassup man? The worlds gone crazy lol I’m good tho congrats on the win”

“Thanks dude It’s unbelievable all the attention this is getting. All that’s important is that you feel better and know we miss u dude”

“Yeah I’m good man. It’s insane bro but just know I don’t blame you guys at all it’s just the culture around football and the locker room got to me a little,” texted Martin. Then, “Btw… Never check yourself into a mental hospital”.

Incognito replied “I hear ya It’s a lot to take in I’ve checked myself in before I had to threaten to beat everyone up for them to let me out. Not fun”

And so forth, with a little “I’m here for you my dude” thrown in. Within two hours, Incognito released the conversation to NFL.com. Later he said he’d done it because he was aware that people were talking about harassment, and he wanted to get in front of that story – but that’s not why he called in the first place. Martin said Incognito had manipulated him.

That afternoon, Incognito texted with Pouncey. “Fuck Jmart. That faggot is never [allowed] back…. My agent just asked if we held mandatory strip club meetings Jmart is fucking ratting on everyone… Fuck that guy if Ur not with [u]s Ur against us… Snitches get stitches Blood in blood out…”. Pouncey loyally called Martin pussy, coward, and “dead to me.”

When Incognito texted Martin again, saying “I need you buddy I’m getting killed in the media” and “Bro can we talk? The dolphins are talking about releasing me” Martin didn’t reply.

When sports news started discussing the harassment story, Incognito asked the team to “issue a statement clearing him.” He “raised the possibility of publicly disclosing Martin’s mental health issues.” Which Martin had confided to Incognito as part of pursuing friendship with him. (Sometimes that works. Here, hold my knife while I turn my back.)

A representative for Martin sent the Dolphins a transcript of the welcome-to-2nd-season voicemail. Incognito said that’s just how they talk in the locker room. The Dolphins learned about the players’ “fine book,” which included a $10,000 fine Martin paid for missing a post-season jaunt to Las Vegas.

ESPN published the voicemail transcript. Which was milder that many other things said to Martin. (Read the report if you want to know. I think I might be getting allergic to hand sanitizer.)

The Dolphins suspended Incognito for 3 months. He’d asked Jerry and Pouncey to destroy the “fine book,” which tracked hilarious kangaroo-court fines and bonuses for such actions as “breaking Jmart” and “not cracking first” as well as Judas fines. He thought it might look bad. (It wasn’t destroyed.)

That was when the investigative report was commissioned. They talked to a lot of people, read a lot of texts, studied the fine book and concluded, “the treatment of Martin and others in the Miami Dolphins… at times was offensive and unacceptable in any environment, including the world professional football players inhabit. A young football player who has the skills to play at the highest level, and who also happens to be quiet and reserved, should have the opportunity to pursue a career in the NFL without being subjected to harassment from his teammates.”

When they talked to Incognito, he admitted most of the accusations, but said no one was offended, it was all in good fun, and it helped the team bond. (Henchmen Jerry and Pouncey said it didn’t happen, didn’t happen much, or it wasn’t them.)

It’s an unpleasant story. Where are the apologies already? Well, Incognito recently tweeted a few ghastly apologies. Let’s look.

On February 12^th , he tweeted, “I’m guilty of being a loyal friend and good teammate. I apologize for my poor language and rude remarks. I’ve never denied it.” (Makes absurd claim of loyalty, then stakes out ‘I AM BRAVE TO ADMIT my ugly mouth, which is NO BIG DEAL’ territory.)

Then: “I apologize to all of the women out there that I offended with my text messages to my close personal friend.” (A passive-aggressive ‘If you weren’t such snoops you wouldn’t even know I said horrible things about women. That’s just HOW GUYS TALK.’)

On the 14^th , Incognito unleashed self-pity. “Pleeeeease Stop The Hate. Happy Valentines Day :)” and “Say no to bullying…. Unlike every major news / media outlet in the world”. (See who’s the victim?)

On the 17^th, Incognito had a few more apologies.

“I apologize for acting like a big baby the last few days. This has all been so much on me and my family. I just want to play football”. (First line okay. Then MORE SELF-PITY.)

And, “I would like to send Jonathan my apologies as well. Until someone tells me different you are still my brother. No hard feelings :)”.

No hard feelings? Did you just say “No hard feelings”? With a smilie?

“No hard feelings” should be a question or an answer to a question. It should not be a pronouncement by an aggressor. The matter between them is Martin’s hard feelings for Incognito’s behavior, not Incognito’s hard feelings about bad results from having his behavior exposed.

But often a bully – or an ordinary person trying to make things be the way they want – will utter false summaries. They want to extract agreement, or to be the one who has the last word on what went down. And they want to get it over with fast.

Sometimes it’s a question: “Are we good?” “Quits? We’re quits, right?”

Other times it’s a statement. “Now we’re even.” “We’re good!” “That’s okay then.” “There we go.” “All fixed!”

A management bully says, of some arrant piece of nonsense to which people have objected, “I think that speaks to Bob’s concern. So it sounds like we all agree here!” or “Thanks for the heads-up, Alice. Okay, now we’re all on board with the new rules!” and rolls right on.

With “No hard feelings” Incognito is simultaneously trying to show that he’s an injured party, and insist that the whole thing should be over.

No hard feelings! We’re good now, bro. Right? RIGHT? RIGHT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT?

I don’t think it’s going to work.

To be fair to Incognito, apologies seem to be hard for him. When the Martin incident became news, a 2012 incident came to light. At a Miami golf tournament, a female volunteer caught Incognito’s eye. Perhaps as homage to her beauty, he “rubbed her privates with a golf club,” knocked her sunglasses off with the club, “lean[ed] up against her buttocks with his private parts as if dancing,” cried “Let it rain! Let it rain!” and emptied a bottle of water in her face. Another Dolphins player who saw this apologized to her, as did others. Not Incognito. “She felt like he didn’t care and thought the whole incident was in fun and games.” (Actually? Team bonding. There goes her chance to play in the NFL.)

She filed a police report! Can you believe it? Apparently she thought Incognito should apologize. Incognito! She’ll be lucky if he doesn’t have hard feelings.