When Fifi Nom de Plume retired, her dental insurance continued, but she was switched to a retiree’s plan. No doubt that is a deluxe plan for people whose teeth have experienced more wear and tear, yet the words that cross Fifi’s mind these days are “lowest bidder.”

This meant Fifi couldn’t go to her previous dentist or periodontist. Fifi visited a dentist on the new plan, whom I shall call Dr. Noproblem. Noproblem put in a couple of crowns. It went well.

Then Fifi had to get a dental implant, a complex procedure involving an oral surgeon, a dentist, and a periodontist. Uh oh. I am reluctant to research the exact procedure in case I accidentally sign up to get one.

Once Fifi’s implant was in place and had grown into the bone, Dr. Noproblem could put a crown on top of it, so Fifi would have a lovely sturdy new tooth. This happened. In 2012.

For a short while all seemed hotsy-totsy, and then the crown fell out.

Fifi returned to Dr. Noproblem, who said, approximately. “I hoped that temporary cement would hold. So sorry it didn’t work out for you. I’ll put it back with permanent cement.”

Okay, I was forced to do a little research. Using “temporary” cement is accepted practice. But it’s not meant to be that temporary.

Dr. Noproblem replaced the crown, using heavy-duty cement. There you go, Fifi!

Fifi pointed out that the crown didn’t fit right. When she closed her jaws, part of the crown prevented her teeth from meeting. It left a gap large enough for Fifi to put her tongue into. Because her teeth didn’t meet, she couldn’t chew properly.

Dr. Noproblem said there was no problem. She said she put the crown in that way to protect it from hitting the bottom teeth so hard it might break. She said Fifi should give it time to settle. She said Fifi should wait a few months and see if it still bothered her. A FEW MONTHS.

Fifi went away, unhappy. The oral surgeon had requested she drop by and show him the new crown that had been put on top of his handiwork. She did, and he was upset. “Oh no, oh no,” he said. “There is no ‘settling’ to be done. A crown isn’t going to move. I don’t know whether it’s the lab or the dentist, but somebody has done it wrong.” He said it had to be redone.

Fifi returned to Dr. Noproblem, who said that the crown was fine. The only issue was that Fifi was “unhappy with the crown.” In response to Fifi’s arguments that it was not fine and that an expert said it was not fine, she replied, “It is really too bad that crown didn’t work for you.” But she agreed to replace it. More than once, she said,“We want you to be happy, so we will do it over.”

Fifi for the win!

Right?

The next appointment was Dr. Noproblem drilling for nearly two hours to remove the not-fine crown. Apparently the cement she’d used after the temporary cement was kind of like the cement they used to build Hoover Dam. It was like cement you’d use to make sure windows don’t fall off the top of a skyscraper. It was the cement Gondwanaland wished it had.

Drill drill drill. New crown. Chewing now possible.

Fifi for the win!

Right?

Then Fifi’s insurance changed. She hurried back to her previous dentist, Dr. Yesproblem. Who didn’t like the look of the crown, despite Fifi’s ability to chew with it. Xrays. Oh noes! These showed a glob of cement clinging to the side of the crown. Fifi’s periodontist would want to clean that off.

The periodontist, Dr. Clean, disliked the crown even more. Xrays. There’s that glob. Dr. Clean also felt the cleaning Fifi’s teeth had been getting was not great, and advised her to employ a Waterpik.

Fifi for the clean!

But the first time she used it, the accurséd dooméd foul-fated crown fell off again.

Fifi returned to Dr. Clean, who was appalled. He photographed the site where the crown had fallen off. Fifi offered to send me the “absolutely shocking and ghastly” photos, but somehow I didn’t take her up on this. Dr Clean found that Dr. Noproblem hadn’t taken off all of the previous crown. She’d gotten most of it and put the new crown on over the rubble.

He was angry on Fifi’s behalf. He called Dr. Noproblem’s practice. He sent copies of the Xrays and copies of the photos. He spoke with the dental board, dental ethics people, and dental insurance people.

The practice says they will refund what Fifi paid, and also the insurance company’s contribution. Which is good, because now it’s 2014 and Fifi has NO TOOTH in that spot and her insurance is currently MAXED OUT so she is paying out of pocket NO she is NOT ‘HAPPY WITH THE CROWN.’ (Fifi will get a new crown from Dr Yesproblem when she returns from visiting her spiritual home: Paris.)

Because that is the insult that makes it so hard to forget the injuries. Dr. Noproblem never admitted any mistakes. NOTHING IS WRONG, THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE. She said she didn’t see any blob of cement on the second crown. It’s just that Fifi persists in being unhappy.

The responsibility is all on Fifi, moody Fifi.

Fifi says she’s certain that Dr. Noproblem’s most infuriating remarks – “Wait a few months,” “So sorry it didn’t work out for you,” and the repeated “we want you to be happy, so we will do it over” – came from a script.

If so, it’s a bad, condescending script. it’s sneaky. If you do cruddy work, and deny it, and tell people to wait a few months, a lot of them will give up. They won’t come back. They won’t demand that you make things right.

Whoever wrote the script thinks the dentists in the practice should never admit responsibility. But that’s dishonest.

You can’t resolve conflict that way. Fifi – a kind, tolerant person – is furious. But it’s not so much about the teeth that kept falling out, and the hours of drilling, and the expense, and the additional Xrays. It’s about the refusal to admit that something was wrong. The refusal to admit that Dr. Noproblem made mistakes. The refusal to admit that anything happened except that Fifi’s not happy.

That Fifi. What a sorehead!