Carol Leifer‘s book How to Succeed in Business Without Really Crying: Lessons from a Life in Comedy has useful tips for handling hecklers. One came from early in her standup career, when she often had problems with male groups heckling her. She asked another comic—male, and specializing in material about How Guys Are—to observe a set. He did, and told her, “They’re guys out on a Saturday night, and there are no women with them—that’s their Achilles heel. They don’t want to be reminded of that… in front of the crowd. So that’s your assault weapon right there.”

Oho.

Incipient heckling. (Photo by Alan Light.)

Next time she was heckled by “the Young Guy Table” she shot back “Hey guys. Where’s all your dates tonight? Still parking the car I guess, huh?” They shut right up.

In other heckling tips, I think it’s fair to say that after a certain traumatic performance, Leifer would suggest that before before calling hecklers cowards who don’t dare come on stage—take a long look to make sure they’re not in a wheelchair. Also so you won’t accuse them of inept Darth Vader impersonations if they’re using an electronic voice box. This would be in the chapter titled “Heckled by Stephen Hawking.”

Unclear if that incident resulted in an apology, but the book includes an apology Leifer received:

Dear Mr. Jeff Patterson,

It is my understanding that you are the agent for Carol Leifer and Larry Miller. On the night of thursday August 27, both Mr. Miller and Miss Leifer were doing a show at the L.A. Marriott for the Federated Group’s annual EXPO. My name is – – and I would like to apologize for any actions or comments I may have made to the entertainers. I was way out of line and I truly am sorry. Thank you for having such talented and professional entertainers. I hope my actions didn’t discourage them from doing shows of this kind in the future.

Sincerely, – –

In a caption Leifer writes that the letter came “after a horrible corporate gig. I wish more bosses made their employees send these!”

If hecklers were actually funny, that might be different.

Although “any actions or comments I may have made” is awfully vague, he may not remember what he did and said in a drunken condition. In a more individual setting, I might think it was his duty to find out and be specific in his apology (or to listen if the offended party wanted to tell him). But in this case, I think it works. Leifer seems pleased with it.

Oh, also. IF you’re in LA and you get a call that your father fell, hit his head, has some resulting dementia, and is in a hospital 3,000 miles away AND Jerry Seinfeld flies you back east in his jet to see him AND your father actually seems fine and is charmed to hear about the jet ride—give the staff a heads-up.

Because otherwise, you might come back the next day, as Leifer did, to be told your father has relapsed into dementia, obviously, because he woke up talking about “how his daughter flew in on Jerry Seinfeld’s private jet, eating lox and bagels at thirty thousand feet…”

As if.

Better at altitude?