If you’ve been reading the Publican’s Morning Advertiser, you know that the Portman Group condemns the advertising for Dead Pony Club Ale, and [has instructed retailers not to place orders] for the irresponsible stuff.

The Portman Group? Who are they? How have you missed their work? The Portman Group “is the responsibility body for drinks producers in the UK.” It’s a trade association of large alcohol manufacturers. Their goal is to show that alcohol can be consumed – and advertised – responsibly. To “Put forward the industry angle on the understanding of alcohol-related issues” as Wikipedia says. The name is from Portman Square, where Guinness has offices.

The Group has a Code. A “Code of Practice on the Naming, Packaging and Promotion of Alcoholic Drinks.”

Hey! Do not call your new apricot gin Baby’s First Tipple. Do not package it in Back-to-School Kits. Your slogan should not be “First One Comatose Wins the Pool.”

Seriously, it makes sense to oppose speed drinking contests and “All You Can Drink For a Tenner” deals. Nor does it seem that advertising a ‘Night of Mayhem’ will lead to good results.

The Code is helpful to the Group’s members – manufacturers like InBev, Molson Coors, Bacardi, Heineken, Pernod Ricard. They wish to sell alcohol. But, especially with widespread concern in the UK about binge drinking, they must be seen to be anti-rollicking.

Enter BrewDog.

This is a small independent brewery in Scotland. (Large for an independent brewery, small from the point of view of Big Liquor.) They produce craft beers with snappy names, including Chaos Theory, Bitch Please, and Never Mind the Anabolics, and describe them in gonzo rococo prose.

BrewDog’s clearly having fun. TOO MUCH FUN, says the Portman Group.

Here’s what BrewDog unforgivably said about their Dead Pony Ale:

This Californian Pale Ale packs a huge hoppy punch. A 21st century low amplitude, high voltage hop hit.

Some people say slow is good. We believe fast is better.

Being shot from a Hoppy Howitzer beats the hell out of trotting round a submissive paddock. That’s why the internal combustion engine got mounted onto two wheels.

Screw down the throttle and listen for that dull banshee howl floating back from those malted mufflers.

Drink fast, live fast, sleep late and rip it up down empty streets.

This pale ale is chopped, tuned and ready to roll. Fuel up and hold tight, this little thoroughbred kicks like a mule.

Perfect for drinking by the bottle, case or even keg.

Why the banshees are wailing is because Dead Pony Ale is only 3.8% alcohol. No wonder there’s so much talk about hops.

The Portman Group didn’t like that. They found it anti-social. Henry Ashworth, their chief executive, said, “The code rules do not exist to prevent humour or innovative brand marketing, but to make sure that humour is used responsibly.” How puckish of him.

The Group brought their case before the Independent Complaints Panel, which agreed that it was terribly anti-social. It wasn’t so much that the text encourages consumers to drink too much, but it might encourage them to drink rapidly. Which is against the Code. They instructed retailers not to order Dead Pony Ale (as currently packaged) after July 8.

BrewDog responded:

Today the Portman Group has officially banned BrewDog’s Dead Pony Club 3.8% ale….

On behalf of BrewDog PLC and its 14,691 individual shareholders, I would like to issue a formal apology to the Portman Group for not giving a shit about today’s ruling. Indeed, we are sorry for never giving a shit about anything the Portman Group has to say, and treating all of its statements with callous indifference and nonchalance.

Unfortunately, the Portman Group is a gloomy gaggle of killjoy jobsworths, funded by navel-gazing international drinks giants. Their raison d’être is to provide a diversion for the true evils of this industry, perpetrated by the gigantic faceless brands that pay their wages. Blinkered by this soulless mission, they treat beer drinkers like brain dead zombies and vilify creativity and competition. Therefore, we have never given a second thought to any of the grubby newspeak they disseminate periodically.

While the Portman Group lives out its days deliberating whether a joke on a bottle of beer is responsible or irresponsible use of humour, at BrewDog we will just get on with brewing awesome beer and treating our customers like adults. I’m sure that makes Henry Ashworth cry a salty tear into his shatterproof tankard of Directors as he tries to enforce his futile and toothless little marketing code, but we couldn’t give a shit about that, either.

The Portman Group took objection to the phrase “rip it up down empty streets”? Mr Portman, you seem to like taking things literally. Can you please explain how something can be ‘anti-social’ if the streets are empty? Anti-social is defined as ‘contrary to the laws and customs of society, in a way that causes annoyance and disapproval in others.’ If the streets are empty, there are no ‘others’ to annoy.

As for not agreeing with “we believe faster is better”, well I think the archaic existence of the Portman Group proves just how bad “slow” can really be. Maybe they should try and catch up with the rest of the world instead of insulting the intelligence of consumers with such a thin veneer of impartiality. It is an embarrassing condemnation of the mega brewers who provide their funding, the same mega brewers whose pricing wreaks havoc on society.

Mr Portman, we’d be appreciative if you could now kindly save some trees and stop sending us meaningless letters.

We sincerely hope that the sarcasm of this message fits the Portman Group criteria of responsible use of humour.

Now there is prose that makes me want to drink beer. Pint of Killjoy Jobsworth over here!

Consider BrewDog’s Punk IPA, of which they say “Embrace the punked up, fucked up outlaw elite.” Or Dogma ale, promoted with the advice, “Act crazy, be heavily armed at all times and scream in German…. Soak up the sweet nectar like a jackrabbit on heat.” The Group will come after those next.

Because they probably can’t take action on “Added ingredients and preservatives are for hammerheads. Cheap substitutes and chemicals are for thieves and pimps. Those stupid little gunsel corporate freaks think they got us fooled with their tasteless, mindless, visionless crap.”

You want that apology analyzed? Okay, I find it insincere. In a good way.

As Snarly has remarked elsewhere of a different fauxpology, “A totally facetious WE ARE POINTEDLY BEING SNARKY HERE statement of regret is not an actual apology, but rather a form of humor that riffs on the structure of apology. As a consciously crafted and deliberate non-apology, it should not be held not to the standards of apology, but rather to the standards of humor.”

Not to be irresponsible or anything, but when you speak of this? Strongly suggest you do a Scottish accent.

Like James Wyatt, BrewDog cofounder, being criticized in 2008 on More 4 News for making a higher-alcohol beer and calling it “aggressive.”